It’s dark-thirty, midnight, the house is silent.
And I just had a conversation with a lump of sourdough.
It may not have been as much me conversing with the dough, but the dough working magic – some alchemy of yeast and flour – pulling thoughts from my brain, through my fingers, and soaking them up with each push and turn. Its pale beige innards becoming outards with a twist.
My innards becoming outards in synch.
“Why,” I asked the sourdough, or the sourdough made me think I asked, “do I do this? Why am I up at 11:30 at night, pushing you around, when I could be tucked in bed, asleep with an empty cup of tea and a half-read novel?”
The sourdough said fshhh, fshhh, fshhh, as I mushed it into the granite. Because, you see, sourdough, like a lumpy Zen master pulling the truth from within you in silence, doesn’t talk.
Why, I thought again, and not in a consternated, unhappy way. More like cracking a door into a room in your house that you’ve never been in.
Why do I do any of this?
Why do I bake my own bread? Why do I spend more money in a year on oils and herbs than I’ve spent in the last 5 years on clothing? Why do I while away hours a day, pouring through books for obscure facts on natural healing, most of which I’ll never need in my lifetime?
Why do I have more shirts covered in dough and oil and dirt than I have shoes in my closet? Why do I know my kitchen scale is one-tenth of an ounce off, but I don’t even know what size of bra to buy?
Why did I spend what’s likely the equivalent of our entire summer’s food budget on a rooftop garden that will probably only feed us, solely, for two weeks? And why are there more mason jars in my house than there are things to put in them?
Why, oh why, did I ever have that one fateful moment where I thought, “Hm. Look at all this food. I bet I could put it on my face.”
I asked the dough, whose name I’d never even caught, all of these things. The dough continued to smile its revolving smile, saying nothing, so I just kept talking.
Why, I said, when the truth of the matter is, I don’t have small children to feed, little ones whose health is in my hands.
I live with a man and a 16-year-old who, I sometimes think, would be just as happy living in a tent on the golf course, eating Del Taco nightly in front of their phones, popping over to the laundromat to do undies in Tide. I tell myself that I do this partly for them, but that’s not true. They never asked for it. And I can’t even remember if I asked for it.
I’m 38 years old; I grew up in the ’80s, the womb of synthetic living. I am hard-wired for consumption and excess and, well, everything that’s not real. Lycra and neon. Plastic surgery, perms, and shoulder pads. Margarine and food coloring. Heathers.
Why do I spend my time with any of it?
Why do any of us spend our time baking bread, or blending oils, or growing veggies, or steeping herbs, or fermenting foods, or building anything?
All of these things, we could buy, if we wanted.
Why do we do it? I asked the dough one last time.
And finally, the dough, in its infinite wisdom and glorious, glutenous windowpane beauty – it told me without words. It just looked at me and I knew.
We have every option in the world at our feet. Every easy way out. Every boxed and branded, bagged and finished product you could shake a stick at. It’s slick and sleek, and it beckons us to its shiny synthesized reality at every turn.
It has everything we need, except for one thing. There’s one thing it’s been lacking all along, all this synthetic buzzing of stuff all around us.
It doesn’t have heart.
We’re humans – we’re alive, and part of nature, and there’s this innate pull to create from our hearts – a pull that will not be silenced by television signals and supermarket displays much longer.
The synthetic world, the facade that covers absolutely nothing of substance at all, doesn’t have heart underneath.
But, you see, it’s not just any heart that we’re missing. It’s our heart. We do it to see our hearts made visible, in front of us, in everything we do and touch and create.
The dough, which will go from flour and yeast and water, to a loaf of golden, chewy, fragrant bread, had in it an ingredient that no mass-produced product could ever have.
It had a little bit of my heart.
That, the loaf of bread said without words, is why you do why you do. Because in me, in everything you create, you see a little bit of yourself.
And we are delicious.
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phenomenal post! i felt like you grasped my hand and lead me through my own particular close musings and emotions with tender consideration
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Thank you! You just beautifully
I so enjoyed reading your midnight talk with sourdough….made me laugh! It truly is all about
our hearts, putting them out there so we can feel so good. Thank you Crunchy Betty. I will read more of you…
I love this! It’s all about the heart! xo
Betty, you are awesome! I know that when I come here, each post will always come from the heart and you will wittily find the way to speak to each of us individually and put down in words those thoughts that we sometimes struggle to explain (even to ourselves). (^_^)
This may be the best post I’ve ever read. Anywhere. Thank you!
I absolutely understand your way of thinking. I love to cook, decorate and tend to my garden. It is part of who I am. I can add my own creative twist into these things. I can add little bits of me and have something beautiful come out in the end. It is a way to stay healthier as well. I believe it’s better to stay true to yourself and don’t fall into the corporate greedy non culture way of living theses days. Do what you love and add a piece of your heart into all of it. Live, Love Laugh, Bake and Create. Your post has truly inspired me to be better and add more of my heart into all that I do. Thanks for writing this. 🙂
Hello Crunchy Betty and all other Crunchy humans!
This might seem a very distantly linked subject, but a few months ago I went to some training course where I learnt all this stuff about dealing with people. (It was really fun!) We were learning that people GENERALLY like to be appreciated through different ways: touch, words of praise, time and gifts, to mention a few.
I like to show people my appreciation for people through gifts, and you have explained EXACTLY why. Because I like to give gifts I have made myself. Cards, poems, drawings, crafts and FOOD most ESPECIALLY. It’s hard sometimes for other people to see how giving a gift can mean so much, but receiving something that has been handmade by the gift-giver themselves is just about the nicest thing you could ever receive! And doing the same for somebody else brings me so much joy.
Thank you for this imaginative, funny and soulful post, Crunchy Betty. I can always rely on your website to nourish my skin, my belly AND my soul! 🙂
You hit the nail on the head. I’m the same age as you, grew up with fluorescent rubber bracelets, synthetic food (and Heathers!). As I’ve removed more and more store-bought stuff from my life and asked why, it really did boil down to heart – putting myself in what I put on my body, or in my body. Sure, it’s easy to pull something off a shelf (even something crunchy), but there’s no THERE there.
I like producing my own resources, I suppose, as much as I can. I also like to tell myself that when the zombie hordes come, I’ll be able to feed myself, and look great doing it 🙂
The past 24 hours have been really craptastic (+ many more 4 letter words) for me and reading this just made me feel a tiny bit better. Much beter than the pint of Coconut Bliss I consumed earlier – that actually makes you feel worse (just in case anyone things it’s a useful coping strategy).
Also, I am crying, in part because it’s such a wonderful relief to not feel so darn alone.
I have to go read all the comments now and cry some more.
Thank you.
I’m smiling and holding back tears right now after reading this. It was so beautiful and heartfelt. I’ve wondered the same thing as you, why? Why do I want to learn to make my own lotions and infused oils? Why do I opt for handmade on Etsy rather than the cheaper stuff on Overstock? You said it so well- a bit of our hearts go into what is painstakingly handmade. And that is so worth the effort. Thank you.
Thank you for the lovely post! Some people are visual, some auditory etc, but I believe that I am sensual and creating feeds that part of me. The scent of baking bread; the texture of dough as it transforms in my hands when kneaded; the rich colours and scents of essential oils and the changes that occur when they embellish a new product. I love to crochet, as well, and it is all the wonderful texture and lush results that drives me! When you described kneading the bread late at night, I immediately was enveloped with the scent of yeast, the stillness of night and the soft giving texture of dough…that is why I create…its worth every penny!!!
A lovely example of being ‘present’ in everything we do.
this post just made me cry, in a good way. it spoke directly to my heart and soul and connected perfectly with the thoughts I have almost every day. thank you. <3
I’ve always loved crafts and to make things with my hands, and since last year I’ve been experimenting in food preserves, hand-made cosmetics and a chemical-free life in general. I specially love your post because two weeks ago I decided to experiment with bread-making, and I’m enjoying it. The things I made take a lot of effort, but are also fun, good and delicious. Even if a piece of my knitting is a bit misshaped, someone will say that it’s beautiful, because it has a soul and they can see it.
And if you want another reason to keep making your own good stuff, our skills will come very handy when the zombi apocalipse happens!
I loved this post, L. So right on.
Plus, sourdough.
“Don’t only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge can raise men to the divine.” Beethoven
Your dough kneading, balm making, face-mask makin’ it’s all your art and you do it well. The simplicity of the natural, the no-nonsense, the unadulterated creations … I think they’re an art everyone needs … we’ve just forgotten. Thanks for always sharing your art with us, Betty.
fantastic post! i felt like you took my hand and lead me through my own intimate thoughts and feelings with gentle care 🙂
WOW! So glad the “AH HA!” moment came at the end because I was thinking, “Why DO I do this? Why do I make laundry detergent? Why do I wash my face with oil and brush my teeth with dirt? Why am I knitting a plastic bag out of plastic bags?” So glad you figured it out and it makes sense to me!
The plastic bag out of plastic bags sounds very interesting. Any chance you could share how it is done?
Even though I have reusable (and washable) bags there are times that I forget them. So, I wanted to repurpose those plastic bags.
There are two ways to make plastic yarn. One way is to cut the handles off the bag, cut diagonally around the entire bag (think like an apple skin) so you have one long piece of plastic yarn, tie the pieces together and off you go.
The second way is to fold the bag several time and cut loops of plastic, then fit the loops together just like you did with jelly bracelets in the ’80’s or potholder loom loops.
I knitted a large rectangle, stitched up the sides, picked up stitches on the top to add handles. Or that is plan once I finish the rectangle. I think I’ll try to crochet the next one just because it would be faster.
This so beautiful! I got into the DIY/granola/crunchy stuff because my kids have food allergies out the wazoo and almost nothing Pre-made is safe for them…but somewhere along the way, I realize I enjoy doing it all! It’s real, it’s self-sufficient, it’s a connection with my ancestral matriarchs, it’s beauty!
I love finding old things like hand embroidered tea towels and antique graters and thinking about the women and men who used them back when they were new. I feel like I’m holding a piece of them and their lives in my hands and it makes me feel eternal, even if for only a moment.
I love this post!
Yes, yes, yes! I tell myself I do it for my family, to train them up in sustainability and clean living so they don’t have to learn it the hard way later in life, when health issues force them to learn. But I’d still do it if it was just me, because everything we need is already here–not grown in a Petri dish–and knowledge is power!
Yes! Its the same feeling I get when one of my kiddos wears a piece of clothing I’ve made for them or cuddles up to go to sleep with a toy I made specifically for them. Something about an item being made by my hands for those I love makes me all giddy inside! Glad to know I’m not the only person out there who feels this way!
I have tears of joy streaming down my face as I type!
I was just an hour ago discussing complex thoughts like these with my massage therapist, who has been one of my biggest cheerleaders as I continue to move forward with own business in teaching and handcrafting apothecary items locally. My words of why I like one-on-one connections with people was far less succinct, however. The bottom-line (is that 80s-speak, too???) is I want a heart-to-heart connection. She did make that connection in different words for me when she said, “This is exquisite body oil. It has part of you in it.” I am positively giddy with excitement!
Have you read SARK (lady’s initials)? She uses words like “delicious” and such like you do. It just popped into my head when I typed “exquisite” above. I love the way these words evoke passion and excitement… 🙂
Thank you…
This is an extremely well-written post that brought tears to my eyes! Thank you and you are amazing!
I’ve had this exact same thought process: why do I care so much about making things from scratch? Why do I love the handmade? At a bagel cafe in Seattle they say that since every one of their bagels is hand-rolled, every bagel has a soul. I love that. I like to believe every tin of tea I send out also has a soul, a heart. Well said, beautiful Betty!
You truly have a gift with words. :). Thank you for sharing your talent with the rest of us. We are privileged to be a part of your world.
Beautiful post, and VERY true. I agree with the whole thing, except with the kneading of dough at midnight :). Breadtopia.com has a video on no-knead sourdough and you should check it out. I used to feed the starter three times, knead it, etc. and after watching the video and following the recipe I won’t go back to that. It tastes EXACTLY the same as the harder version, but requires almost no work, except having fed the starter once before putting it together. I don’t even use the cloche or dutch oven, but just make it on my loaf pans for their practicality. I would highly recommend anyone who makes sourdough to check it out. Also, I put large (humongous aluminum) roasting pan over the loaves to cover them as they bake (also sprayed with water for steam), and that allows them to spring beautifully. Wish I had found out about that trick a long time ago…
But … but, I love to knead dough. Love it, seriously. (I’m going to create a workout solely based on dough kneading … heh.) It’s so visceral and fragrant and physically stimulating, and it makes me think thoughts like this. 😉
Now, do I want to do it every. single. time? No. I do not, so I’m definitely going to check out the video you suggested. Thanks, Andrea!
I agree with you! Kneading is therapeutic. I guess after a while I do get worn out, what with running after a 4 and a 5 yr-old all day and then there’s the fact I bake 4-6 loaves a week, it can get a little overwhelming when the day’s nearing its end. So now I knead just when I really feel like it, it’s more fun that way 🙂
As a fellow child of consumerism and a crunchy girl in the making, you said exactly what i think every day. You’ve got style. Can I be you when I grow up (I am a year older by the way)?
Just lovely; my husband and I spent 2 weeks with his family in Cuba — a place that is devoid of “stuff”; where the furniture that we sat on was purchased by his great-grandparents and was still being used today (slightly terrifying if you come from the world of “It’s replaceable! It’s from Ikea!”).
Being in a place where people weren’t searching after new “stuff” and couldn’t stare at the glow of their laptops/phones because they didn’t have them, we instead had the most meaningful and fun experiences of our lives, just connecting with others, without the interruptions that we take as normal and a part of life here.
Of course, the politics of Cuba are very complicated, but that’s for another day. The beauty and enjoyment of life that flourished there, because of…, despite of…, was an incredible experience. At the heart of it, it was connecting with ourselves, and one another in meaningful ways.
Like baking delicious bread to nourish your family 🙂
As someone who makes wholegrain sourdough at least weekly, I can tell you that there is no need (knead?) to be poking at it late into the night. 🙂 The refrigerator rise is your friend. I keep a teaspoon of starter between uses. The day before I want to mix my dough I remove it from the refrigerator and feed it, doubling the amount. Feed again ~12 hours later, and again ~12 hours after that, which for me is the morning. Four hours later I have a vigorous, active, healthy starter going. I hold back one teaspoon in the refrigerator, and use the rest to make the dough. (I use freshly milled hard white wheat flour.) Let rise for three hours (I like to do a stretch and fold or two partway through the rise), shape, bag, mist with water, and seal the bag. One hour on the counter and then into the refrigerator for up to 24 hours. Then bake and enjoy.
I love this, Karen. Every time I bake bread, I wish I had the time to research and try out ways to make it more “soured.” (But I always wait until the last minute, when we’re completely out of bread, to start some.) This sounds perfect for that. Trying it with my next loaf.
For me, it is a weekly schedule. The process isn’t exactly last minute. 🙂 But the result is terrific bread. And it freezes well. As long as I can keep up the schedule, we always have good bread.
It isn’t necessarily very sour, though the long rise develops lots of flavor. A strong sour taste may actually be a sign of a starved starter.
A magic ingredient I’ve discovered in the past year is chia seeds. About two tablespoons per loaf of any bread does amazing things for the texture and rise. Not to mention the added fiber and nutrition.
I too love to make my own bread. But I hate to wait. So I use the 5 minutes a day method. It works great for us last minute types!! I discovered how much I love chia seeds last year from you, Crunchy Betty!! I start my day with chia and honey. It is fabulous. Karen, how exactly does chia work with bread? Do you grind the seeds first, or add the crunch? How does it help the rise? Inquiring minds want to know!!
And you, Crunchy Betty. I have missed you so much and am so glad that you are back!!! I have been a lurker and occasional poster in the past, but I am so happy that you are back, that I pledge here and now to check in more often. Thank you for coming back and sharing beautiful thoughts like this one that make me laugh and cry all at once.
I just toss the seeds in as is. They soften up enough that there is no crunch. I used to add them at the beginning, but my DLX does best with a wetter dough, so now I wait until the kneading is well underway before adding them to firm up the dough.
Thanks Karen. I’ll be adding the chia seeds when I bake this week!!!
I adore this blog.
“the ’80s, the womb of synthetic living”… brilliant
I agree 100% and could not have put it better myself. We ARE delicious!!
and this post is why i love you…awesome and beautiful!
Wonderful! Love it!
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
We do this (and thank goodness that our late-30-to-mid-40-something generation does!) for the same reason that after over a decade of “doing business” (ahem… eBay!) on the web, i suddenly decided that I needed to have a yarn shop… one that sells only yarns that benefit someone or something!
I think that it is simply a pendulum action reflex away from the glittery eye shadowed, neon parachute pant wearing mecca of all things material girl that we grew up with. Not that it was “bad”, just a natural swinging in the opposite direction in search of balance… and perhaps the occasional rebellious delight we take in the you-must-be-crazy looks we get from those who “just don’t get it!”…. Yet! :))
Wonderful discussion with the dough! You articulated so well, what those of us that are trying to reconnect with the Earth, are feeling! Why indeed do we grow our own food, when we could more easily, and more cheaply, buy it ? I can’t walk into the supermarket with a salt shaker (barefoot) pick up a tomato and slurp it down! I can in my garden! 🙂
Thank you CB for making bread at 11:30 at night….and sharing your experience!
Love your blog!
Suzie in Montana
[email protected]
That is a lovely bit of writing! I’m a new reader and very happy that your posts will now come to me more often. It’s so good to meet you, standing there in your kitchen kneading and musing. I look forward to more of that.
Nothing stinks up a house better than bread in the oven. I love to make my own “stuff”…I feel like I’m opting out of the corporatism and the advertising that goes into packaged products. 🙂
Awesome.
Goosebumps.
A beautiful prayer…Amen!
Yes, this is true. I too have felt these questions. I wonder if I am obsessed (in a bad way), but then I think, no, I am having so much fun, researching, mixing, reading, trying, wondering. I figured who will it hurt? No one, but it benefits me and more than me, because our passion is contagious and even people I know that are slightly interested have become more interested through me, inspired by reading you!
I went no poo (day9) and I figured that its not even hurting my boyfriend, because he’s in Paris right now, so he didn’t have to witness my greasy day, then my straw hair day. Now I have soft and pretty hair again, less chemicles in my life and more money in my pocket to spend in Paris in less than two weeks when I join him.
So we do it all because humans want to investigate and test their limits. As a kindergarten teacher, I witness this first hand, each day. I just think maybe as adults we think we should pretend we know it all and we are not amazing and awed by how nature and natural things work. I am enjoying my sense of wonder, just like my students, each time I slather honey on my face. Why does this work so well? I don’t care. I love the act of asking all thes questions that lead to more questions.
Now my only question is how I am going to transport my baking soda, so that I can make more hair rinse, without the TSA thinking its drugs. Because I think they use something different than baking soda in France, and I am on a roll without shampoo!
Brilliant JKT… Love Your Passion. So fun to read others stories that echo my own! (Unfortunately not the part about the boyfriend and/or Paris, lol)
Thanks for your kinds words! It is always nice to hear that we all have common stories and experiences! Have a nice night!
Have you thought about maybe shipping things like that to him in Paris ahead of time? That way you won’t have to carry anything with you that will get the TSA’s attention. 🙂
Yes, since Jason is there, I thought of having him pick up some things ahead for me, too! Thanks for the suggestion. I think the mail will be too slow in this case, since I am leaving in two weeks!
You can ask for “bicarbonate de soude” or…
I believe it’s called bicarbonate alimentaire (food grade) in the supermarket and bicarbonate pharmaceutique in a pharmacy, where it is more expensive because it’s a higher pharmaceutical grade.
Enjoy your trip =)
Thanks for the tip! I just remember in my high school French class we wrote out recipes and they said it wouldn’t be the same as here… Thanks for giving me the vocab! Have a nice night!
I first started no poo two years ago, when I was living in France – I admit I was nervous before my first plane trip home (Australia), but in the many flights back and forth since then, I’ve only ever had one security dude question my unusual collection of toiletries – I offered my homemade toothpaste for him to smell the pepperminty goodness, he just laughed and said he believed me haha =)
So no worries! I had a stopover in LA once and had to go through customs, and they didnt say anything =) But if you want, as Heather said, bicarbonate (baking soda) is super easy to find in French supermarkets =)
PS I’m a kindy teacher too, and I absolutely love and agree with what you said about children exploring boundaries and their sense of wonder!
Have an amazing time in France!
Thanks for sharing your stories. This helps. My family is from Australia, too. Looks like we have a few things in common. Have a great day!
And more over, you didn’t even try to sell me something in that moment you “got” me and probably so many others just like “us”. So grateful.
Thank you! You just beautifully, eloquently wrote my soul…you just “got” me. Again, thank you sister for writing exactly why!!!
Love,
Mardi
We do this because we’re also giving back to our families their freedom. They don’t have to be slaves to the corporate food and medicine machine. They can be disease-free if they want to. We’re instilling a new set of values in them. Lovely post.