I’ve been called a LOT of things in my life, and “prude” is not one of them.
However, because I try to maintain a teen-friendly website, I’m going to go ahead and ask the under-18’ers to do something else, while the rest of you read on.
Kids, you don’t want to read the rest of this. Unless you fully comprehend the motivation behind uttering the words, “Not now, honey. I have a headache.” this post won’t matter to you one bit.
Besides, all we’re doing here is talking about cleaning the bathroom. You don’t care a whit about that.
Now go pack to stay at your grandmother’s for the night. Mom and dad have to clean the bathroom.
(And for those of you who ARE over 18, but easily offended – and I mean very easily, my mother reads this so I have to keep it PG – by things of a romantic nature, you might want to stop now and flip on over to something a little less risque.)
Honey, I’m Not In The Mood
Okay, ladies. Now that it’s just us, let’s talk about this cleaning the bathroom thing.
Sometimes, for no good reason, you’re really in the mood to clean the bathroom. You can’t explain it, but it’s there. Like when you just got married. Started homemaking. It was fun. Attractive. You had energy.You probably even cleaned the bathroom every day.
Time went on, and cleaning the bathroom got tiring. There were parts that really, well, just kinda turned you off. Once you’d seen the dirty toilet a few times, you started to feel pretty indifferent about scrubbing.
Every once in a while, you’ll pick up a new cleaning tool, a fancy sponge, and you get excited again. But the novelty fades, and you decide you’d rather worry about dinner. Your husband says, “Really, woman. You haven’t cleaned the bathroom in a week. Do you even love me?” And you sigh and clean it as best you can. He’s just happy you cleaned it at all.
This is going to stop today. Today, I’m giving you recipes and ideas to get you in the mood to clean the bathroom.
Your husband (or boyfriend) will have to help you get motivated. He’ll even have to help you clean.
But isn’t that the way it should be?
Let’s Get Down to Business
Now that we’ve sufficiently lost the kids, let’s cut the crappy bathroom cleaning euphemism and talk about what’s really going on (it’s s-e-x people). I posted this on a Monday for a reason – women need time to ponder the mood before they’re actually in it. I’m giving you an entire workweek to get ready for your date this weekend.
And you do have a date this weekend. I insist.
So turn down the lights, put on some Damien Rice, and take a hot and heavy look at what you’ll be doing at the end of the week.
Prepare a Love Balm
Let’s face it, those romantic love potions you can pick up in just about any store these days, probably not so focused on health. But you can make your own “massage balm” easily – and healthily. So when your lovey puts it on your skin (and then maybe licks it off a little?), you know all’s well in the nontoxic department. K-Y ain’t got nothin’ on these.
Here are two alternatives you can whip up while you ponder what joy they might bring later. The first one is a little more complicated – but totally worth it (I licked the spoon while making it). It also doubles as a lip balm. Score!
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Sensual Chocolate Love Balm Recipe
(adapted from the Smooth and Sensual Cinnamon Love Balm recipe in Organic Body Care Recipes by Stephanie Tourles)
- 2 Tbsp plus 1 Tsp almond oil (or any other mild-tasting oil – I used jojoba)
- 1 Tbsp cocoa butter
- 1-1/2 tsp vegetable glycerin
- 1 tsp beeswax
- 1 tsp cocoa powder
- 1 tsp honey
In a small saucepan, melt the oil, cocoa butter, glycerin, and beeswax on very low heat, stirring often. Once it’s melted, remove from heat and whisk in cocoa powder and honey. Immediately pour into a small container and let set for an hour before use. (Note – this is not latex friendly, so if you use gloves to clean the bathroom … keep it away from where you’ll use them.)
Preparation time: 15 minutes.
Storage: Keeps for at least 6 months.
Gift Idea! This would be PERFECT as part of a homemade gift basket for a bachelorette party. Be prepared, though. I made some for a friend last year for her birthday, and her boyfriend still doesn’t shut up about wanting me to make more.
Delicious Honey-Vanilla Body Oil
- 1 Tbsp coconut oil
- 1/2 Tbsp honey
- 1/8 tsp vanilla extract
Combine everything in a small saucepan and heat on low until melted and combined. Pour in a small container immediately, before it cools.
How You Use These Recipes: … is, frankly, none of my business at all. Enjoy!
But, I’d like to point out – in bold – one more time, neither of these recipes should be used with latex.
Now Make Aphrodisiac Ice Cubes
This is such a fun, easy, and special step, and you can put them in just about anything. Me, I’m about to have some in a glass of riesling. I think they’d be tasty in a vodka tonic, as well. Or, if you abstain, put them in a glass of sparkling grape juice or cold tea.
There’s really no set recipe – you just boil water and steep herbs, and then fill your ice cube tray with the tea.
I made mine tonight with 2 Tbsp hibiscus, 1 Tbsp lemon balm, 1 tsp diced ginger root, and a pinch of saffron. Leave the herbs to steep for 10-15 minutes, and then add 1-2 Tbsp of honey for a little sweetness.
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A Few Aphrodisiac Herbs:
- Ginseng
- Red raspberry leaves
- Hibiscus
- Rosehips
- Hops (but they’re very bitter)
- Green tea
- Ginger
- Saffron
- Sassafrass
One More Thing
Your love potion is setting, your ice cubes are chilling, and you’ve got a bottle of wine all set out for the evening. What now? Now it’s time to let him (or her) know what’s up. Pop out your phone and send this text:
“Honey. We have the house to ourselves tonight. You and I are going to clean the bathroom.”
He won’t even know what hit him.
In clean-your-own-toilet-this-time crunch!
Easy Homemade Hand Sanitizer That Works on Three Levels
What could you use with latex?
Ok sorry. So I need a little hand holding here…is this stuff “external use only” or can you, um…..flush it??
Ok sorry. So I need a little hand holding here…is this stuff “external use only” or can you, um…..flush it??
I was also concerned with the addition of honey, though I’m not prone to infection. I try to avoid things that cause them. Honey being anti-gross stuff could counter any effect the sugar has. Has anyone had issues with using honey this way? Maybe it’s worth a try. We have been using coconut oil as a personal lubricant for about a year now and we love it! It’s smooth and natural feeling, it doesn’t get sticky like some of the commercial products I’ve tried. And it’s good for your skin.
any one know how much the balm makes? im trying to figure out what kind of container to put it in. also my fiancee hates chocolate but loves vanilla, any idea on how to make the balm without the chocolate?
If you are looking for a homemade KY alternative, I have one here that is amazing. It’s PH level is perfect for being introduced to the neither regions, and it is extremely cheap to make. Xantham Gum. All you need is a 1/4 teaspoon in a 1/2 a cup water. The consistency is great, and it will never cause an infection. It only keeps for a few days and has to be kept in the fridge, but a 6oz bottle of the stuff makes 5 gallons of… stuff. We paid $8 for 6oz at our local health food store.
I’ve found that the love balm only lasts for about a week. Mine formed little white snowflake looking crystals and after seeing that I threw it out. The recipe says it lasts up to 6 months and I followed it exactly.
Any thoughts?
I’m going to try it without the cocoa powder and see if that makes a difference but past that I’m at a loss.
Maybe the honey crystallized??
It sounds like your honey may have crystalized. This can be remedied by simply reheating the balm. It works with plain honey, to restore it to pourable liquid.
So odd question, didn’t know where else to put it. Here goes…DH and I often use coconut oil as a KY alternative. While I love it, he hates the smell (he’s crazy, I know). Is there any essential oil or anything that I can sent it with that would be safe when used for this purpose on a regular basis? Thanks so much in advance!!
She mentioned vanilla extract in the oil recipe. Maybe that could help?
not that I’d normally recommend it, but perhaps use a refined coconut oil? The stuff I’ve gotten at walmart is still organic, but its refined and has no coconut (or any?) smell to it at all … not my preference, but it may work for you here?
This post is awesome! Thanks for the laughs….and the good ideas!
I’m a little concerned about the addition of honey if the balm ends up in or around your nether region, as sugar makes for an all to welcoming environment for yeast and bacteria and may increase the likelihood of an infection. I think honey is a tasty and fun addition for some fore play, but I’d leave it when sampling it on more intimate areas. …Maybe use Stevia for an edible concoction that may be more friendly to your lady bits?
Did some research. Some women (and doctors) actually recommend using honey externally for yeast infections, so I’d say go for it.
http://www.yeastinfectionfact.com/ This is where I got this info from…
Honey is anti-bacterial, anti-viral, and if I am not mistaken, anti-fungal. I use it as a wound-dressing and on fever blisters. It is also soluble in water, esdpecially warm/hot water. It will come off with water alone in the shower, and even faster with water and soap. If you were concerned about it being in hard to water nether-regions, I’d say you could be 100% sure to remove it all if you immersed yourself in a bath of warm water- a small (relaxing and luxurious) price to pay for a good “cleaning!” If your partner joined you in the tub, you might even clean the bathroom a second time and become the wife of the century! /wink
haha….”you might even clean the bathroom a second time.” nice…
I wouldn’t be so concerned about the honey as about the glycerin. Glycerin is not good for those prone to yeast infections!
Um…wow.
Just another thing to throw out there–if one should hypothetically really want to try the chocolate recipe on this page but have neither the glycerin nor feel like taking the time to melt the cocoa butter and beeswax, the SECOND recipe can hypothetically easily take a spoonful of unsweetened cocoa and a tiny drizzle of almond oil, and be just as delightful.
My husband hypothetically agrees. 🙂
I’ve been wanting to try this since you first posted it…OMG, thank you. 🙂
can i just say.. OMGOOOOOSH! after recently googleing mineral foundation recipes to start my own line of products as i can NEVER find a decent shade from over the counter cosmetics, i came across your page. and WOW! ive only been on here for about 20 minutes but im loving what you do! thank you soo much 😀
You’re very welcome!
And how exciting – starting your own line! Keep me up to date. When you get going, I’d love to try what you’ve come up with and write about it!
Wow…another fabulous post! I sooooo need to clean my bathroom! LMAO
I love that you can make all these wonderful things yourself and I am so addicted to chocolate…thing is my boyfriend isn’t. I might have to integrate some cinnamon into the mix (that’s a fave of his! LOL)
It never even occurred to me that you could make your own love balms. Brilliant!
This is such a freakin’ awesome post, girl! Seriously good writing. Seriously. Love the analogy, because sometimes is seems about as much fun as cleaning the bathroom. Not all the time…but sometimes. Thanks for spicing it up when I’m in the mood to say, “Honey, not tonight.”
I’m loving this post.
And I think I like the “clean the bathroom” analogy better than the “take a nap” one.
Although I think the kids would wonder why our bathroom looks the way it does what with all that cleaning going on…
Oooo-la-la! I will forever link the phrase “cleaning the bathroom” with, you know… wink-wink-nudge-nudge. You might have posted this last Friday… you know, BEFORE my anniversary? Oh well, there’s always next year! 😛 ha ha!
(hey, and thanks for the linkie!)
Don’t know which I like more the recipes or the analogy! So funny! This does sound like a lot of fun! By the way, how’s the kitty?
She’s soooo naughty and adorable. At first, the big cat would bite her a little and she was scared of him. So I got worried that it might not work out. But now she goes after him just as hard.
It’s like watching a jellybean play with an elephant.
Heartbreakingly entertaining.
This is definitely worth printing. I always hate those store bought love balms because they contain parabens and all sorts of crap.
And I love chocolate so I’m looking forward to this. And I’m sure my husband will be too!
Miohelle
oh yea BABY!!
This is a fun idea. I make an aphrodisiac tea (herbalphilosophy.com). Who couldn’t use a little more AHEM excitement in their lives? Glad I found your site!
I made a similar chocolate massage oil for my boyfriend on our last anniversary. It will probably be a lot runnier than yours since this one contains more oil and less cocoa butter.
* 85 ml almond/apricot oil
* 15 g cocoa butter
* 5 g dark chocolate (at least 70% cocoa)
* (1 ml Vitamin E)
Heat up the oil in a water-bath, add the cocoa butter and cocolate and stir until melted. If using Vitamin E and add when the mixture is cooler than 40°C (104°F)
Might I add, this recipe is mild enough to be used even on _very sensitive_ areas. Also edible, though not very tasty 🙂
The ice cubes are a really cool idea too! Ikea sell these heart-shaped ice cube trays, though that might get too tacky.
Oooh. Love it. LOVE that it actually contains dark chocolate. Sounds so naughtily nourishing, y’know?
Thank you for sharing!
I like the doubles as a lipbalm idea. Cleaning the bathroom with an unshaven character usually required a post pucker up moisturizer.