Something you want. What is it? What do you want? Choose one thing.
Write it down. (I’m not kidding. Write it down.) We’ll get to why you’re doing this soon.
In the meantime, have you ever read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People? I’m guessing you haven’t, because frankly it’s a crushingly depressing admission to say that you need to read a book like that.
I am reading this book.
Not particularly by design or desire, but because my friendly neighborhood used book salesman popped it into my bag mistakenly the other day. I say mistakenly, but we all know that he’s just sitting there in a puddle of pity, hoping some day I’ll bring someone into his store with me, instead of creeping out the shoppers next to me by asking, “Hey. Hey. You have pretty shoes. What are you, a size 8?”
Anyway, I’m only about four chapters in, so I’m not really ready to win friends or influence you yet, but I have gained a fair amount of insight into what was going on in the movers-and-shakers’ minds back in the 1930s.
Believe it or not, this is relevant today, because if there’s one thing I’ve gleaned from this book, it’s the hammering home of the concept that – as a suave and sophisticated influencer – your main goal is to awaken in another person’s mind a deep, burning desire and then fill that want with what you have to offer.
And we know this, right? We savvy consumers? We know that the bulk of advertising – of product development, even – is crafted solely to evoke a desire in us that we didn’t even know we had before this heavenly, miraculous product/solution/cream came into our lives.
These things are so woven into our society now, that we don’t even know what’s true anymore. Before 2007, did you have any idea you’d ever want an iPhone? Let alone think you’d need one?
And your body. Oh, your gorgeous, delicious, sumptuous body. Do you want it to be slimmer, more voluptuous, or less weird because that’s what you want, or because that’s what other people (tell you to want) think you should emulate?
When You Get Down to It, What Do YOU Want?
The purest form of freedom is the absence of want.
If you have no desires, you have no expectations, no moments of feeling like you lack something that’s keeping you from some miraculous wholeness, you will never live in disappointment. No matter how terrible the circumstances.
But, mercy lawd, I have no idea how to live a life without want. It’s the desires and the burning that keep you moving into new experiences. So, as much as I admire the concept of living without want (though I think desire is a better word), I’ve yet to figure out a way to implement it without ending up on the couch 15 hours a day watching Will and Grace reruns.
So, in my estimation, a life without desire is a fast track to oozing bed sores.
And now that you understand I’m not suggesting you stop wanting anything at all, do you think you could give up just one want? Like, totally obliterate it? Toss it out of your life forever and for good?
Separating Your Self From the Web of Want
Remember when I asked you to write down one thing you want?
I did that too.
You know what I wanted? An automatic sprouter.
Yes, it’s silly and frivolous, and I can and have handily grown my own sprouts in a mason jar before, but I want an automatic thingy that will water my sprouts for me.
In fact, since learning about this apparatus and this want has taken over, I haven’t grown a lick of sprouts, because – beans help me – it just doesn’t seem easy enough to do it on my own anymore.
And this, dear Betties, is a fine example of how I’ve been duped by a frivolous solution to a desire I didn’t even know I had. Never in a million years, before seeing this shiny new thing, did I think I wanted something else to water my sprouts for me. But now that I know it exists, by heaven, I must have one.
But no.
No, I mustn’t. And I won’t. Because it’s expensive, unnecessary, and just the thought of it is keeping me from doing what I can with what I have where I am.
What Was Your Want? Can You Throw It Out?
You might’ve taken a different tack. You might have wanted a more loving relationship, or a flatter stomach, or a new car.
Whatever it is, can you take some time to examine it, find where it might be unnecessary for your life, and then throw it out?
The way you’re living right now might not be ideal, but you’ve done it for days, weeks, years even, and you’re still here. In fact, the possibility exists that just by wanting something different, you’re keeping yourself from experiencing the things you could be doing and enjoying right now.
But more importantly, can you examine that thing and figure out whether it’s actually something you want – deep down in your very purest of beings – or if it’s something you’ve been told you should want? Is this desire solving a problem YOU have or a problem that someone else has told you is a problem?
Let me give you a real-world example, a new one that isn’t ingrained in our beings yet, so it’s really easy to discern whether it’s a manufactured want or a real one.
(This is funny, by the way, because I’m actually going to give a slightly copycat recipe for this in the weeks to come.)
Are you bothered by the dark marks on your underarms caused by shaving? You weren’t until I said that, right? But now you are.
Well, guess what? There’s a solution for you now! It’s a popular deodorant brand manufacturer’s miracle product – a deodorant that protects you from odor and clears up those dark marks that have been plaguing you for, like, 15 seconds ever.
Now, think about this very carefully, are there things in your life that you want – things that you think you’re not living a full enough life without – that are actually dark-mark-removing deodorants?
Things that solve a problem you wouldn’t even know you had, if there wasn’t someone or something out there telling you there’s something wrong in your life?
Now ask yourself this: Would I be happier if I had the thing or if I got rid of the want?
Because, remember, a person without as many wants is a person who’s nearly impossible to manipulate. And that, my dear Mr. Carnegie, is what I expect to read at the end of your book.
So, Seriously. Toss Out Your Want.
I didn’t have you write it down for nothing.
If you feel like you can let this want go – if you feel like your life would be better without the want than by fulfilling it – get rid of it immediately. Crumple it up. Rip it to shreds. Burn it. It doesn’t matter.
If you feel so inclined, share that want here in the comments. Please tell us why you think letting go if it would be better for you. OR, if you don’t feel like you could/should let go of it, let us know what it is, why you desire to hold on to it, and then what you’re going to do, starting right now, to fulfill it.
Because that, my friends, is the only logical next step.
If you can’t let go of your want, you’d best go and get your want. And you can. If you really want. But if you don’t really want? Then …
(say it with me)
… Throw. It. Away.
Essential Oils & Mental Clarity: How to Make Your Brain Quick & Clear
Thanks for your Crunchy Wisdom! One of my boys was abt 8 when he told me that after he got toys that he’d REALLY wanted, he wasn’t as happy with them as he’d thought he was going to be. I’m STILL trying to learn that lesson. Marla at fly lady.net has helped me a LOT in this. Thanks for sharing your epiphany with us.
I’ve read that book *cough* more than once *cough*.
It’s one thing to let go of the want, and be free…but I think people will always be susceptible to others introducing wants. Your totally right, since don’t window shop or browse flyers for sales anymore, I don’t feel burning needs to go buy the stuff I see. I’ve let go (or at least removed he temptation 😛 ) But, when I see something pretty (somewhere, anywhere) that makes me *feel* something, I’m going to react by wanting it. That’s where Carnegie comes in…giving people a positive feeling.
I believe that contentment is a skill to be gained, maybe a muscle to be exercised as well…it’s not so much “not wanting things” as it is contentment in what you have, who you are now, where you’re at now. Contentment I am surely working on!
~ Nicole ~
Geez, I didn’t even know I had dark marks under my arms from shaving! How did they know? Good grief. I absolutely LOVE that quote from the Dave Matthews song you put up there, AND what you said just above it about no desires + no expectations = no disappointment. So true.
All I know is that since hubby and I dropped all media input (TV, newspapers, magazines, catalogs), my wants have totally changed. I see the waste I used to engage in by buying things I didn’t need. And I see, like the only sober person at a keg party, everyone around me still falling for the advertisers smoke and mirrors.
Any wants I now have, have to stand the test of time… waiting reveals most wants for what they are. If they’re still standing afterwards, they’ll go on “the list”, and eventually they may… or may not enter my life. It could take months or even years, or never. The difference is that it’s on my terms, and (it’s not easy, but) I’m willing to wait and focus on what’s truly important.
The first
thing I thought of was my desire to pay off my student loan debt. I haven’t
completed my program yet, but my goal is paying all the loans of in the first
two years after I graduate. I’m not throwing that out unless circumstances
change and that timeline becomes unrealistic.
BUT
As I
continued reading this post, I was consumed with thoughts of a travel loose
leaf tea cup that has a glass interior, plastic exterior, and is exactly what
I’ve been waiting for in a traveling tea mug. I have refused to buy the other
travel mugs I’ve seen because they were not what I wanted in a tea mug. Dark
spots on my pits? Nope, it’s the tea experience that gets me. The cup is $25.
That’s half of our weekly grocery budget! I have reusable linen tea bags that
work just fine. So, after a few cleansing breaths, I’ll let it go.
My want (which I wrote down only in my head since I don’t have pen/pencil/paper handy) is a mixer. A KitchenAid, the one with the bowl lift, in red so it’ll match my blender.
I bake. I would like to sell what I bake. There are people who want to buy what I bake. I don’t bake as much as I used to when I had access to a KitchenAid mixer (the one with the bowl lift, in white so it matched the rest of the kitchen). Back when I had access to a KitchenAid, I was mostly making cupcakes from a box or cookies from scratch. Now I’m making EVERYTHING from scratch and the absence of a stand mixer (of any brand or color) is accutely felt. Right now that’s a want I’m not willing to throw away.
Six months ago my posessions were reduced to what I could fit into two duffel bags. My husband and I are quite poor. The discussion of want vs. need is one I am constantly having with my friends – “I don’t NEED a rolling pin. This can of soda is working just fine.” “I don’t need more than two pair of jeans.” While I readily admit that the rolling pin my friend gave me is a big help, it’s not something I needed.
It’s interesting when you sit down and and figure out what is truly need and what is truly want.
I want to move to Louisiana. That’s where I’m from, my family is there, I think if it as home. But I’m living in Washington with my husband and daughter. I admit that I’ve let my want get in the way of enjoying being here. It’s been almost 2 years and I’m very slowly making friends. I don’t think i’m ready to let go of my want, but I’ll try to wait patiently for it. And who knows maybe wanting to move to Louisiana will change into wanting to staying Washington.
I wrote that i want to stop being afraid
of committing myself to receiving all the love and joy that is being
offered to me in life, out of the fear that i will MISS OUT on something
intangible, something better, somewhere else. So i guess my want was, essentially,
to not want… I don’t think it’s a bad
thing to have desires and aspirations, as you said CB, that’s what keeps us
growing and moving forwards. But i think it is a bad thing if your desire
for something ‘other’ is stopping you from recognizing and enjoying
what you already have, what you are being offered and what you can do with it.
This kind of desire stifles all growth and happiness, leaving only
feelings of emptiness and frustration.
While i’m sitting here waiting for life to start and happiness to
present itself, i suddenly realise i am missing out on it! It’s happening NOW! How did i fail to notice this? I think it will be difficult to change such
an ingrained attitude. But i’m going to start trying to do that right
now, not by giving up on something but by giving in. Wish me luck…
This rings so true to me. I wish you all the best and I too am going to try to stop feeling that way.
Thankyou Kathleen! I too wish you the very best 🙂
I totally agree. That’s just what I was thinking. The thing I wrote down is a big life change that I just can’t wait to happen, but in the process of waiting for it I miss out on what’s happening now.
I’m kind of a failed student here, too, because the only thing I could think of at the beginning of this was that I want to finish the quilt I’m making for my daughter – and no way am I throwing that out. =)
I wrote that i want to stop being afraid
of committing myself to receiving all the love and joy that is being
offered to me in life, out of the fear that i will MISS OUT on something
intangible, something better, somewhere else. So i guess my want was, essentially,
to not want… I don’t think it’s a bad
thing to have desires and aspirations, as you said CB, that’s what keeps us
growing and moving forwards. But i think it is a bad thing if your desire
for something ‘other’ is stopping you from recognizing and enjoying
what you already have, what you are being offered and what you can do with it.
This kind of desire stifles all growth and happiness, leaving only
feelings of emptiness and frustration.
While i’m sitting here waiting for life to start and happiness to
present itself, i suddenly realise i am missing out on it! It’s happening NOW! How did i fail to notice this? I think it will be difficult to change such
an ingrained attitude. But i’m going to start trying to do that right
now, not by giving up on something but by giving in. Wish me luck…
Yikes, i didn’t mean to link this to my facebook… Anyone know how to undo that? I can’t even delete the comment! Little bit embarrassed now.
i’m gonna “not” want that sprouter, that I too, have been “wanting”.
I really want that immense, intense, me-and-you-you-and-me forever love. No way I’m throwing that away. A bunch of the other stuff though…yeah, definitely 🙂
Lucky you didn’t throw your free book away! <3
Is it really sad that I had been thinking about those dark marks recently :p still, I shall not be lured into buying some dodgy deodorant! Great article 🙂
Well I thought of a mortar and pestle for grinding spices. Around here they cost about $10 and I’m a very frugal person so I buy pre-ground spices in bulk to avoid purchasing the grinding bowl. So it’s still not a need but it would be nice (and it would look pretty on the counter too). My plan is to wait and eventually one will be found at a garage sale for like 0.50 and I’ll have no guilt buying it. 🙂
See, now, typical me, I stuffed it from the start. Because I wrote (or at least thought) “I want to sell my car”. And now I’m at the end and there isn’t really anything to throw out. So consider me a failed student, in terms of the actual assessment task. 😛
However!
I TOTALLY agree. I love that you’re reading a book about creating want, and your lasting lesson (before you’ve finished, no less) is that want is bad and you don’t want (heh) it.
I’m really lucky in that I have developed a pathological hate for shopping centres. So whenever I think I might want something, I delay getting it for a long time, as I try to research it and find the best way to get it without having to spend time in a mall. Lately, more often than not, I wear myself down with the research phase, and decide I don’t really need (or want) it after all. Funny…and ridiculous…but effective 😀
[I feel I need to add, I am currently demolishing a chocolate bunny, and have spent a good part of my afternoon pashing a hot boy (hooray for heartbreak recovery!), so there actually really isn’t anything I want right now hehe 😉 ]