It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon when Amanda Worthington lay her life bare for all to see.
“It was the worst day ever,” she whispered tensely. “I was about to start my period, my boyfriend and I broke up the night before, and my sister called and begged me to pick up 10 two-liter bottles of Dr Pepper at the store for her kids’ soccer practices. I wanted to say no, but she threatened to tell our mother about the time I ate her lipstick.”
“Mom’s very protective of her lipstick,” Amanda added. “And it only happened last year.”
Despite Amanda’s terrible day, she found no care or kindness coming from her fellow shoppers that afternoon. “In fact,” Amanda says, “I felt like people were staring at me. Judging. Am I crazy?”
Amanda, a slightly pudgy hospice nurse, pushed a cart filled with a box of tampons, four chocolate bars, 10 two-liter bottles of soda, and 8 boxes of Hungry Man Salisbury Steak frozen dinners.
“Oh. The Salisbury Steak was for Mr. Vitols, an elderly man I shop for sometimes. If I don’t bring his Hungry Man, he waves his cane and curses me in Latvian,” Amanda added.
Through her tears, she placed her items on the conveyer belt as nearby shoppers gawked in disbelief.
“Oh. Wow. I hope that lady doesn’t have kids. How sad,” the woman behind her snarled. Everyone around nodded and looked down at the floor, dismayed at Amanda’s indiscretion.
And at that moment – that very instant – Amanda began her decade-long struggle with a condition many of us know all too well …
A term I’m dubbing “Cart Anxiety.”
What is cart anxiety?
The feeling that you’re being judged poorly based on the items in your shopping cart.
Am I totally making this up?
I really thought I was when I first began to write about it last week, but it turns out … it’s not only a thing, but it’s actually based in reality. It turns out, people are judging you and some of you are being the judgy judgertons.
So now what?
Originally I Thought It Was All In Our Heads
Last week, my sister and I were discussing “cart anxiety” on the phone, talking about little paranoid thoughts we have that other people are paying attention to what’s in our carts.
For me, it’s produce. I always think people are paying attention to the amount of (or lack of) produce I have in my cart. If I have three onions, two heads of garlic, a tomato, and a bag of spinach, I always think someone’s standing behind me going, “Unnh unnh, girl. You best be putting some broccoli in that cart or you’re gonna die soon.” For my sister, she feels that people might judge her food choices when she’s shopping with her children.
Originally, I’d thought it was all in our heads. We are a crazy bunch, and we come from a crazy family. When I sat down to write this story the first time, it was simply going to be observational humor on our personal brand of craziness.
And then, after putting together an ideal “grocery cart” for the shot above (I didn’t buy it all, btw, so stop judging me), I ended up talking to the checker.
“Is shopping cart anxiety a thing for most people?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied. “I’d say dozens and dozens of people come through here each day and make excuses for their choices or act embarrassed about what they’re buying. And this is a natural foods grocery store. I can’t imagine what it’s like in a normal one.”
“But,” I posed, “is anyone even actually paying attention to what ANYONE ELSE is buying? Is that even a thing? Or is this just all-in-our-heads paranoia?”
And you know what happened? The woman behind me waiting to buy an apple and a kombucha piped up and said, “I judge people. I judge them for what’s in their cart. All the time. I feel really sorry for people, because they’re too ignorant to know that they’re wasting money on food that isn’t healthy.” Then she banged her kombucha on the conveyer belt and looked pointedly at the coconut milk ice cream I was paying for.
After that, the lighthearted observational humor blog post went in a new direction …
We Are a Judgy, Judgy People … Especially When It Comes to Processed Foods
The story about Amanda at the beginning, by the way, is totally made up. She’s an amalgamation of things that people either felt judged about, or judged in other people, based on a query last week on the Crunchy Betty Facebook Page.
I asked people if they’d answer one or both questions:
- Do you think people are judging you based on the items in your shopping cart?
- Do you ever judge other people based on the items in their shopping carts?
I read every single one of the 293 responses, and I tallied every single answer loosely (but to the best of my ability) up until we reached 271 comments, and then I stopped because I had to eat coconut milk ice cream.
AMAZINGLY, it turns out that the majority of responders admitted to judging other people as opposed to being judged by other people. Many of the people who admit to judging others went on to answer that they didn’t care whether or not they were being judged.
Most of the reasons for judging were things like:
- The shopper had children with them and bought a lot of processed foods or sugary foods (this was, by far, the winner)
- The shopper was overweight and buying something the “judger” thought they shouldn’t be buying
- The shopper was an extreme couponer
- The shopper used EBT cards/food stamps to buy processed food
Most of the reasons people feel judged were things like:
- The buyer has children with them or is pregnant and is afraid of making a “wrong-looking” food choice
- The buyer is overweight and buying themselves a small treat like cupcakes (even in the midst of an otherwise healthy cart)
- The buyer is using food stamps and is judged for buying “expensive” organic foods with it
- The buyer has a cart full of organic foods and feels like they’re being judged as thinking they’re “better than” everyone else
- Condoms; that is all.
Fortunately, a fair amount of people also answered that they neither judge or feel judged, and most of the men answered “Who freakin’ cares?” (An answer I’ve grown to love.)
All in all (and remember, this was a loose tally, and people could answer both questions), the numbers were:
- 111 people admitted to judging (either harshly or mildly) other people based on the contents of their grocery carts
- 76 people said they feel judged based on the content of their trolleys (watch out Englishmen, we’re coming for your word)
- 73 people said they neither judged nor felt judged (or gave a completely noncommittal answer by way of an anecdotal story)
Let’s Continue These Thoughts Next Time, But First …
In the next post, I’d love to talk about this whole judgy thing and what it means, whether we should be doing it and how we can move on past it.
But first, I’d love to hear from you lovely readers.
It’s not a secret that as you start to clean up your diet (and your bathroom counter) by way of real foods and natural products, it’s easy to feel superior to other people. I mean, Clorox GreenWorks based an entire ad campaign capitalizing only slightly annoyingly on this phenomenon.
It’s not a secret, and it is kinda silly, you have to admit.
So here are some questions for you guys (answer one or all of them – the floor is yours now):
- Do you judge or feel judged in the grocery store based on the contents of your shopping cart?
- What are some of the things you think about other people when you observe what they’re buying?
- Are there any ways you’ve gotten over your urge to judge – or over the concern that you’re being judged?
- What might be something you’d say to help someone who feels they’re being judged (or actually is being judged) based on the criteria above (e.g., they’re pregnant and buying cookies, or they’re overweight and buying cookies, or cookies cookies cookies)?
I’m immensely curious. No judgment here.
Trying and Troubleshooting the Oil Cleansing Method: Tips For Flawless, Oil-Cleansed Skin
PS. As for EBT cards, I am so “privileged” that I don’t even know what they look like so I can’t judge what people are buying with their gov’t aid.
Besides even if I knew what that the person ahead of me was purchasing lobster tails and steak with an EBT card I’d think she/ he was using their gov’t money pretty wisely. Steak and lobster provide at least some solid nutrition. Can’t say that about soda, chips, and t.v. dinners.
We are all preoccupied with other people’s business, but I like to call it a bit of a study on human behavior, really.
I notice there is an appalling lack of nutrition education and/or desire to part ways with horrible habits within the general population. You can see it at the checkout at your supermarket.
Isn’t it interesting, though, what people buy despite all the information (and misinformation) at our fingetips? Isn’t it interesting how convenience wins over being green.
So interesting. Judgmental? Sure. I don’t care about judging or being judged. That just comes part and parcel of observing. You cannot observe without forming an opinion. That’s just human nature.
I judge what other people are buying. Mostly when it’s obvious they think they are buying foods that are healthy, but are completely ignorant about what’s actually in their food so they’re actually making horrible choices (most juices, diet sodas, fat free, sugar free, anything “light”, presliced grocery store sandwich bread that says “wheat”, etc..). It annoys me that someone would make the effort to try and eat healthy, but not actually learn how to do it. I judge people that buy mostly processed foods, especially if they have kids or pregnant. I don’t judge anyone with a treat or two like hagendaz or something when they have an otherwise healthy cart. I judge people who use make me wait while they use their wic checks, and then make me wait again while they purchase a cart full of processed foods on EBT…. Or worse, I saw a woman buying ribeyes, fillet mingnon and crab legs on ebt talking to her girl friend about they’re having surf and turf tonight. And I really judge people, especially obese people, who eat in the checkout line and have the cashier scan the empty wrapper, and also people who let their kids eat the food before paying. It’s just bad manners, and lack of discipline and impulse control, that’s why it bothers me. I also judge people who give soda or energy drinks to toddlers, I see that mostly in Walmart. As for feeling judged…. I never feel like ppl judge my cart except when I go in to buy a coupe cases of beer for my boyfriend and his friends and I’m by myself. And this might be slightly off the grocery topic, but i have three different wine stores I go to so I don’t have to visit the same store more than once a month just in case they would judge me, even though I’m sure they see a lot worse than me buying a bottle of wine once every 7-10 days. Lol
Whenever I buy produce I feel obvious I’m trying to be healthy because I’m overweight. When I’m near someone who is healthy & who is buying healthy I feel horrible and embarrassed. I haven’t bough junk food in years that I can remember. I love plain Greek yogurt with honey- for now that’s my “junk food”. I do look at others carts- but I don’t judge, I just acknowledge. I go into deep serious thinking about how people have their own struggles & feel which affects what they buy. I have noticed one buying packs of beer, packs of soda & a bag of oranges. Instead of “why are they buying oranges if the rest of their cart is crap?” I just wonder what they’re going through. I have weak moments where I buy ice cream & the rest is healthy. And I have my own reasons why I end up doing that. I may be judged all the time as I feel I am. But it’s gotten easier not to judge back. Another example is when a disabled person gets stares, I just give a simple smile- half because I was friends with “special Ed” in school.
I had someone judge my very healthy cart, even though I’m overweight, today in fact! I wanted to punch her in the face. People who care or judge what other people have in their carts are pathetic. Is that all they have to do with their lives? Mind your own business and accomplish something important with your miserable life!
Honestly, I don’t even look at other people’s carts and I was a cashier for years. The only time I judged someone shopping was when all they purchased at my register was: a shovel, KY sexual lubricant, duct tape, rope, sleeping aid pills, and condoms. Then, it less judgy and more a sense of fear.
LOL That’s because you mind your own business and live your own life, rather than being a busy body and judge others. You are in the “winner” column.
I am a teacher and I hate running into students (and their parents) at the store. Some of them are not good at hiding their judgmental gaze into the contents of my cart. It feels like an invasion of my privacy. For potentially embarrassing things, I do things to avoid them like go out of town, send someone else, our buy online. I really feel for the unmarried teacher who gets “caught” acting like an adult by buying some wine and condoms in a smaller town.
The day that I had a cold, ran out of tissues, needed a bottle of red wine for my from scratch pasta sauce, and the latest book in the Merlin’s Daughter romance series (both guilty pleasure and fun to mock) came out, I felt very judged by my cart.
The day I had a peanut butter dessert mix and the cashier nearly sold it to the man standing in front of me in line who saw what was happening and didn’t mind, not so much.
Now, once I was in the middle of moving, was in my last unpacked clothes, felt grungey and decided that I would forego underwear that day. (Multi-day, multi-state move.) We stopped in a Walmart to use the bathroom and I got my period early (gotta love moving stress.) Well…there was a clearance rack of novelty Christmas panties, so I grabbed a pair and got in line.
The cashier grimaced when she saw what I was buying and picked them up to scan in a way that you’d think I handed her the ones from my laundry bag. That day I definitely felt judged by what was in my cart. (I still don’t see what’s wrong with a pair of panties that has polar bears and a humorous slogan on them, but obviously they were contaminents.) Then I paid and ran for the bathroom again. Any port in a storm.
I don’t so much judge as feel pity for those poor souls that have to purchase female products (I”m past that and soooo thankful). I feel envy when I see a cart full of goodies, wine and other things that indicate that someone is entertaining – wish I could invite myself to the occasion. EBT cards. Hmmm… no matter how hard they try to ease some of the social stigma of needing assistance – there are always those who have their hands on their hips judging others who are already down – let’s just throw a banana peel in front of those slackers so they can slip down to a level where we can really kick them. I used to judge more when I was a “kid”. Part of growing up is growing acceptance or understanding. I haven’t gotten there yet, I still sneak a glance in other carts – to make sure I didn’t miss anything yummy on sale.
I can’t help it. I go grocery shopping so much; waiting in line, it’s easy to look over at the guy next to you and figure out who he is, based solely on what items you see in his cart. It’s like a game I play, and I’m fine if they want to do the same. People can assume whatever they want about me based on my cart. I know I’m doing it, so we’re even. I don’t really know if it’s classified as judging. Is it judging only when there’s a thought of superiority that goes along with it? Or is judging just any false assumption? I guess judging is really just a misunderstanding. It’s not being able to understand that people lead different lives, they have different tastebuds, and are under different circumstances. We really need to learn to accept each others’ differences. We need to make an effort to understand one another.
This is pretty silly. Oftentimes people aren’t even shopping for themselves– they might be buying food for an event, a sick relative, or some other specific purpose impossible to glean from a passing observation in a supermarket. This mentality comes from attaching some type of morality or status to diet, which is pretty petty and ridiculous.
As has been mentioned above, I do our grocery shopping at several different stores. So, for an example week, I might have a cart full of chicken, mahatma rice packets, and apple juice when I’m at Kroger. That is all that is in my cart at Kroger; the other stuff is cheaper and/or better quality at other stores. My Publix cart would have milk, yogurt, orange juice, V8, and meats other than chicken (locally, the chicken is always less money at somewhere else). My farmer’s market cart would include all the missing things – generous amounts of green and yellow and orange veggies, bakery bread. (current kid favorite is potato-leek-cheddar), bulk-purchase nuts and dried fruits, exotic/crazy fruits, and coffee or flowers if the budget allows.
My point is that you (general you) should not judge too much on one carts’ capacity. Shoot, I have been known to but 12 boxes of Hamburger Helper
When it is just me and my girlfriend shopping we may whisper or in our ‘secret language’ of eyes and other not-so-noticeable guestures we may joke about the person with an entire cart of ramen noodles or the old lady standing in the middle of the aisle staring at forty different types of noodles only to leave with a skillet-meal box. Other than that we don’t really have anything to say about others shopping. However, when other people start making rude comments aloud I become that mrs. know it all fearless one and stand up for the little people. Anectdote you ask? Here we go: at the Commissary (military grocery store) clearly someone’s grandparents are shopping. Tiny, little, no English speaking people buying loads of stuff with coupons in the self-service line so as not to hold up other people. Well two gentlemen who only had two or so items behind me and my girlfriend (we had maybe thirty small items for a few days worth of meals) kepy walking up to these little foreigners towering above them speaking in over articulated English to ‘the crowd’ as if anyone cared about the audacity of their actions about how “These fucking tiny Philipinos can’t even USE the machine, let alone coupon?! Get them out of here?!” Well now I was astounded. I had been more impressed with the tenacity of them to coupon, it takes work, committment even. I’m not about that life. So about the third time these guys did this I stepped to them. “Do you want your daughter to be the impatient, rude lady who has obviousely NEVER inconvenienced a soul in her life?! It is Sunday, you chose to come here on heavy shopper day. You chose to set a poor example for your daughter. Be civil. Everyone shops.”
Ha, a few times I’ve been all dressed up to go out when a friend asks me to bring drinks. We’re not a classy group, (and personally I love cinnamon), so I have gotten to the checkout line in heels and full makeup carrying nothing but a bottle of coke and a bottle of Fireball. THAT is when you should judge, ha!
I’m always curious about other people’s carts, but not in a malicious way. I know very, very little about cooking, so I’m always curious about how other people make do. But since I’ve spent long stretches living off of take out and the goodwill of my roommates, I never feel like I’m in a position to judge. It’s more “oooh, five frozen pizzas and a bottle of Jack, I’ve been there.”
when I lost one of my part time jobs I had to go on food stamps it was just 200 dollars but it helped alot I could stock up on veggies and fruts for the kids and a woman actually told me I had no right to buy almond milk or organic veggies on foodstamps I explained to her I was vegan and the milk was for my kids she just snarled and looked away and moved to another checkout line. I dont get it people can buy snack cakes lobster steaks on food stamps but you buy something organic and since its not cheap garbage people get judgey so happy I got another job recently so I can buy whatever I want with cash and no one can snarl at me.
correction: they look ‘nice’
I think I generally look because I am bored at the line but don’t think I will go too extreme as to make rude comments at people. I think it’s fun to watch what people buy, I almost can imagine what type of lifestyle they lead by how they eat. Fun people watching time, just like the airport. But no, I don’t have cart anxiety, I don’t care about how others look at me. I sometimes do tell fellow shoppers that they look like in a new shoe they are trying on, (if they look nice). So no, mainly I say nice things if I happen to be in the mood of saying something, but never something bad. No point to make this world a nastier place.
I’m 29 and still have anxiety about buying pads and tampons. I won’t go to a male teller I recognize with any feminine hygeine products. I’ve never been put in the position (thank Gd), but if I had to but vagisil or preparation H, I’d probably beg someone in my family to go for me…even my brothers or brother-in-law – I would cry until someone agreed. That’s how bad it is.
HOW I GOT OVER IT: my mom has cancer and now I have to buy tons of embarrassing things. If I feel embarrassed, I remind myself that I would buy any product for someone I love and would never care if someone was so ruthless as to judge me. I have also applied for food stamps to help with the expenses.
When I was younger, I found that I would sometimes have the tendency to look at others and connect certain purchases with how the person looks or acts and I made a conscious point, to mind my own business. If I find myself slipping (because I feel insecure that day and want to make myself feel better or what-not) I look away, push the thoughts aside or think of an extreme situation which might make the behavior positive.
The only reason people judge is to make themselves feel better. It’s like bullying. People should be flattered when they are judged. Who are the people we judge the most about looks? Models and celebrities….as far as I know, models and celebrities are known for how good looking they are. If I judge someone else, it has to do with me, not the person I’m judging.
I don’t know that I would say I judge people, but wonder what they are going to do with the items. If someone buys a lot of things for a party or only buys a couple of items I speculate about what they would do with them. I feel more judged if I see someone I know or go shopping with my boyfriend, but if it’s just random shoppers then I don’t feel bad about the unhealthy or strange purchases I’m making.
Very late comment but I used to work at a drug store. The one time I really remembee judging someone was when a older man, probably early 70’s came up to the register with 3 thongs, a bottle of baby oil, and some ky kelly. I just rembef thinking he probably gets turned on wearing ladies panties.
I only judge someone when I see that they are unhealthy and unhappy. You’re walking through the grocery store and you see someone and on their face is written “I’m miserable and I feel worthless”. I guess it’s not so much that I judge but that I care. I wish I could give them a hug and make them chicken soup from scratch. The same goes for a person with children, if the parent looks unhappy and the children are sick I wish I could help them be healthier. That’s all.
I got over my judginess when I realized that I went to certain stores to buy certain things. One day I looked down at what I had placed on the conveyor belt and realiz,Wow People could think I’m seriously malnourished if they thought this is all I ate. I realized 2 things: some times people are self medicating with food, the unhappy people just trying to get an endorphin fix ( we all seek happy feelings) or they bought healthier stuff somewhere else. why would I know? I learned to consider the factors on just the facts .
I feel judged everywhere these days. I`m 36 weeks pregnant, 22, my hair is blue, I`m 4`11“ and my face doesn`t look much older than 15.
My boyfriend and I go shopping together and if we are having a get together at our place we try to provide the beverages and snacks, usually chips and pop as they tend to be the people pleasers, and when I`m limping beside him because my leg hurts (he looks maybe 16 too) we get all sorts of looks and sneers at the grocery store. Almost a `how can you go out in public like that`type of thing.
The best though, was before my hair was ever outrageous in colour, was when we would go buy condoms.. The girl at the till gave us an arched eyebrow the first time we were there because we were `stocking up` for safe practices. And is was always the same girl for every box of condoms or every pregnancy test we`d ever purchased. She was funny about it, but it`s hard not to blush when you imagine what they must think of your sex life!
P.S. Not that I need to justify the colour of my hair, I`m a hairstylist and my name is hard for some people so the blue hair allows me to be spunky and off-beat while still looking sleek and professional, and it gives me a good identifer..
A “good identifier”? WTF?
I’m somewhat late in replying, but she’s right. If people have a hard time asking for her by name, they can ask for the one with the blue hair. My favorite stylist when I still used them was the man with the pink hair.
YES! I admit, I sometimes judge as a knee-jerk reaction, but I try to a) not let it show on my face, because that’s just rude, and b) catch myself doing it and realize how ridiculous I’m being.
As far as being judged, when I’m using food stamps (which… in this economy, I’ve been out of work for about a year and a half now despite my best efforts, so yes, I use food stamps and I’m not ashamed of that), I always feel like I’m going to be judged one way or another. If I buy unhealthy or processed food, I worry that I’m fulfilling some stereotype about how poor people are ignorant and don’t take care of themselves or their kids. If I buy quality and/or organic food, I worry that people will judge me because they think I’m “scamming the system” or “wasting” taxpayer dollars (ignoring that I’ve been paying into the same system for years, so that I’d have a safety net if I ever needed it.)
In the end, you kinda have to accept that if someone wants to judge you, they’ll find a reason – you just have to ignore them and get what you want to get. (But I am glad that the card they give you for food stamps looks like a debit card, so you can palm it and just use it at the counter and then only the cashier will know…)
Wow, this is so interesting!
I definitely feel judged, funnily enough I sometimes feel judged for having processed food, or if I have chips or chocolate or something, but I also feel judged when it’s all organic goodness! Probably should just not worry (and mostly I don’t – much).
Do I judge? Yep. Especially lots of soda. But, only mildly (she hastens to add, hanging her head in shame).
Do you judge or feel judged?
I don’t feel judged, but then I am not overweight and don’t have children. I would say to the judgers out there that you are experiencing one trip to the grocery store with these people. You have no idea if that is an accurate representation of their diet. 95% of what I buy at the store is processed b/c I get fresh produce delivered to my house weekly. It honestly never occurred to me that the person behind me in line is judging my choices. I judge myself based on my collective choice. I feel proud when I’m eating healthy. I feel a little guilty when I crave sugary, processed food and can’t talk myself into something better.
As for myself, I have found myself judging carts in front of me. But I never judge the people. I judge the corporations that peddle food that is terrible for their customers. I grew up in the Midwest where everything is processed and/or fried. It wasn’t until I headed west that I found out how to eat healthy. People are just doing the best they can with the information and resources they have available to them. If we make people feel good about making good choices, that will encourage positive change. If we judge people for bad choices, we will only push them away. And make them feel like they don’t belong amongst the healthy eaters of the world. I think that is the last thing we want to do. 🙂
Ahh! I love this topic so much! So sad I’m late to the party! I totally cart judge! Usually I’m not making value judgements- but I notice, and I love to try and guess people’s stories from their carts: A middle age woman with a stack of frozen meatless meals and veggie burgers advertising how much protein they contain might be struggling with a teen who is turning vegetarian. Or, someone with lots of processed food masquerading as health food is maybe working on a new resolution to get healthy. You know, stuff like that. Though, sometimes I do judge the contents- privately cheering on the mother who has figured out how to feed her young kids real food on food stamps, or silently tsk-ing the young guy buying hotpockets, pizza, and natty light.
Of course, I feel judged in return, but it’s not a big deal. What people must be guessing about me, I’m getting my fruits veggies from a farm share, so right now my produce-free carts look like scurvy waiting to happen.
I often feel judged when I shop. I am overweight, and while I don’t think much of it if I have a treat in an otherwise healthy cart, I do feel very judged when I am buying multiple unhealthy items (even if there are still many healthy items in my cart).
I do also sometimes judge other people based on their carts, usually in cases where they have kids and I don’t see a single non-processed/pre-packaged food item in the cart. It has to be pretty extreme before I judge (since, hey, as an overweight person I don’t have much room to talk!) but it does happen.
I recently decided to try to eat healthier and get to a healthier weight. I don’t think I’ve become any judgeier since the contents of my cart have improved in quality, but I feel a lot more confident, and even a little proud, when I look at my cart and feel that no one could find fault with all of the wonderful fruits and vegetables that fill it up. So in a way, I’ve turned around that negative feeling of being judged into a positive by using it as motivation to keep buying fresh, quality foods and avoiding highly processed sugary and fatty foods.
As for other people and what they should do about feeling judged, I’d advise them to take it as an opportunity to think about their eating habits and make decisions about whether any changes are in order. They may or may not decide to actually change anything, but sometimes just giving it careful thought and consideration can give you the boost you need to dismiss other people’s judging.
I only feel judged when I’m buying pregnancy tests. And it’s not feeling judged its KNOWING I’m being judged. Especially when we have my 6 year old with me. I look very young for my age. And sometimes when someone is giving me judgy looks I want to scream at them. I want to yell and cry about how much money I spend on damn epts, how I’m dying for a bfp, and how I’ve been ttc for 2 years now. It just makes me so angry seeing those looks when they
have no idea what I’m going through.
You are very welcome to take trolley as long as you also use aluminum, herbs (with an ‘h’!) and caramel.:P
Yesterday a young couple behind me were buying only fresh organic food. I was well impressed. They also had some crappy cosmetics that I well and truly judged them on. Then I looked at my own cart and duly judged myself for buying flouride free toothpaste (what no baking soda?), some children’s shampoo (second ingredient is sodium laureth sulphate) and Eco dishwasher detergent (it’s just not borax and grated soap!!!). I am now entering a nonjudgmental period of my life. Any tips? I’m afraid if I stop giving myself a hard time, I might slip back into the buying habits of yesteryear and look like a fool when my acne returns!
Hi, I’m new here, just found your blog.
Yes, I judge other people’s carts especially since going on a gluten free diet and I have to pretty much prepare everything from scratch now. I feel sad when I see people with a cartload of frozen dinners like Healthy Choice, especially if they are elderly, because I know they either can’t afford much else, they are too tired to cook for themselves or they are alone and don’t want to cook anymore.
I may assume an overweight person buying cookies, cookies, cookies is buying for a social function so I wouldn’t say anything at all. I used to live in Galveston, TX and would see rig and ships crews at the grocery store. These guys were buying for a week or month at a time and would fill 3-5 carts to the top. I initially thought a lot of it was junk but realized they were working hard and needed the calories. I also realized they had a lot of ‘healthy’ stuff in there but junk food packaging is always really bright and easier to spot.
Food choices have somehow become a moral issue especially in the past few years. People forget that food is for sustenance and also very much to be enjoyed.
When I moved from Colorado (one of the healthiest states in the country, if not the healthiest) to Pennsylvania (which we call PA) I sort of had culture shock at the grocery store. I never found myself judging people’s carts until I moved, or even the items the store carried. We have an entire aisle on both sides for chips and pretzels (mostly chips but we are a pretzel loving state). So many brands of chips are made in PA, as far as I know in Colorado there is one chip brand… Boulder Chips. The thing I noticed most is how many drinks with high fructose corn syrup stores have available around here. I would see people who had an entire cart of of high calorie drinks. I found myself judging all of these people. I didn’t understand why anyone would need 7 different beverages in their cart. I was shocked to see that there was just less healthy food to be offered int the PA stores. We also have a very large overweight population, whereas Colorado is a very fit state. I So I will admit that I would judge the overweight shopper, with artificial strawberry/kiwi sugar syrup water, and six bags of kettle chips. But I am a sociologist so I tend to judge from a more sociological perspective. Why are these the food choices in this state? Why are the people in this state more likely to choose these items over healthy ones? Why do the stores carry less healthy options? Is it all income related? Is it race/class/gender thing?
On a side note, I often shop with my sister and we usually put all of items in one cart. I eat fairly healthy (pretzels and chai tea concentrate are my weakness but I am working on making my own concentrate at home. I also have an affinity of ice cream. However I get to use the excuse that it soothes a bladder condition I have as long as it is vanilla). My sister on the other hand only eat processed foods, and believes that if you drink enough V8 fruit juice it counts as the suggested daily value for fruits and veggies. I often wonder what people think when they look at our cart. We are both pretty tiny girls so I also sometimes think that other people are thinking, those (insert b word here) are lucky they can eat all of those potato chips and stay skinny.
Go back to CO.
This is all so funny, I guess I never gave it much thought. However late one night about a year ago my son and I had a touch of insomnia in the middle of a Phoenix summer and we headed out to the twenty-four hour grocery. It is only slightly important to note that I am monogamously married and that I have a semen allergy [it exists and it is one of the only things I am allergic too besides bleach] that flares up pretty bad sometimes. Anyway in my cart I had my two year old, a box of popsicles, and a box of condoms. In my mind’s eye, I remember the guy who checked me out having a patronizing look.
I have a genetic disorder that is extremely exacerbated by foods and even things like soap and toothpaste. I make my own toothpaste, soap, shampoo, etc and so my carts are really odd looking. I don’t eat gluten, eggs, dairy – I call myself a carna-vegan. SO, I usually have a stack of green veggies, bags of brown rice, nuts, legumes, lots of salt (for the making of toothpaste, soap, etc) and a large pile of meat. I can get judgey about food stamps- we used them when I was a child and my mother was a real pain in the ass about proper nutrition, so piles of frozen dinners make me a bit resentful – eat your tofu like I had to!! I’ve never even tasted Fruit loops or all that other crap, (and since I can’t eat gluten, I never will), so when I see that stuff in a cart, I get kind of edgy about it. It’s pure poison and will destroy their brains! I want to lecture people about how sugar is ruining their joints and gluten damaging their immune systems, but I have to just shut up and buy my kale and buffalo and almonds and move on with my life.
i can honestly say that i am such a nosy person that i tend to sneak a glance in other people’s cart for no other reason than morbid curiosity. like a stranger’s cart contents has any relevance in my life… but i still love to check it out. i wouldn’t say i judge them on their cart contents…i just like to look at what people are buying. i would be an AWFUL cashier- i’d be like…what are you using this for? just because i’m nosy. its ridiculous! as for people looking in my cart, i don’t give a rip if they look! although i do get just a liiiitle embarrassed when i have straight up junk food in my cart.
My problem isn’t with other shoppers, it’s the cashiers…I buy condoms online now, it’s worth the extra money in shipping just so I don’t have to deal with their sneering…I mean, look I have a wedding ring! What do you think married people do??
I never thought about this until I read this post. I never even knew this was a thing. don’t people have better things to do than watch and judge each other based on what they purchase? this is so sad!
I almost never pay attention to what anyone else has in their cart. I could not care less. Also, never pay attention to what I think others may think about what I’m purchasing- even if it happens to be something out of the ordinary! I just don’t think of either side of the equation… does that make me strange? Hey, but I live peacefully! 🙂
I totally feel judged when I check out at the register.
The other day, I was checking out with an entire basket full of whole veggies and fruits, and the cashier looked at me and asked me if I lived alone, or if I was buying food for my roommates too! (This was in a college town, back near my school apartment… I live alone…) She had the nerve to ask me how I ate so much food, especially because produce tends to go bad quickly.
Ummm… OFFENSIVE.
I juice on the regular and have to buy ridiculous amounts of vegetables and fruits each week to stock my fridge. Plus, whether I eat an insane amount of veggies a week is my business, and my business only! Do people ever consider the fact that even though my basket is entirely full of more veggies and fruits than most people consume in a month, the $38 total on groceries for a week is well worth it??? And that’s juicing half of them! Hooray for healthy eating, and boo for judgmental cashiers.
As for judging other people, I don’t really judge often. I take note of people’s items, but it’s more of a curiosity deal or a “I didn’t know they carried that here!” type thing. I understand sometimes people stock up on certain indulgences in one trip, and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, because I know I do that too. Unless you’re really overweight and your cart is just absurdly full of sugary, fatty, processed foods. I might judge you then.
I suffer from severe cart anxiety. Even more following a 50 lb weight loss. Which feels backwards! I’ve worked hard to get healthier and I feel more self-conscious about buying ice cream than I did before. Like, because the rest of my cart is full of salmon, low-fat dairy, fruits and veggies that I should be reaching for fat-free frozen yogurt instead of the good stuff. It’s twisted…but it’s how I feel. Thanks for speaking out on the subject!
I hear you Lauren. I eat a mostly clean diet and am generally one of those people who browses the supermarket feeling pretty superior (if only because a big weight loss experience and a huge overhaul of eating habits does make you feel pretty good!). Yet on the occasions I decide to buy something unhealthy – typically a big bag of M&Ms or a tub of ice-cream – I suddenly get very self-conscious and hide the junk under the healthy stuff. I feel like people will judge me as a try-hard, you know, one of those people who tries to make themselves eat healthy but can’t help stuffing their face with sugary crap (which yeah, some days that is me!).
Dangit! I missed the facebook poll. And now I’m reading this post way late, but you know what? I’ma comment anyway.
I do worry a bit that people are judging me by my cart contents. In fact, I often shop for my mom who has a major sweet tooth, and I’m overweight, so I have no doubt some people are judging me. But I don’t waste much time thinking about it, because if people don’t have anything better to occupy their minds than speculating about my diet and health, and then judging me based on what they imagined, well, that says a hell of a lot more about them than it does about me.
I can actually say that I do not judge other people’s carts. Oh, I can get plenty judgmental about other stuff–but not carts. Know why? I’m too busy reading the tabloid covers and judging THEM.
I take advantage of the fact that people do this and make sure to add “embarrassing” items to my cart all the time. So if I’m buying Draino I make sure that I also buy an enema kit. Or if I’m buying a lot of ice cream I make sure to get some cat litter and wine or something else that looks like “depressed single cat lady” It’s fun to play the weird and embarrassing cart game!
Hmm. I honestly never thought about this–because we have basically three different stores where I buy stuff: Trader Joe’s is where we get a lot of the basic stuff, and anything boxed or processed (lunch meats, cereal, granola bars, etc.) comes from there; basic staples (bread, milk, eggs, yogurt, cheese, etc.) are from Whole Foods, and produce from the farm stand. So any single place I go I’m not actually buying all our groceries, and I guess I sort of assume it’s that way for other people too–especially WF, since it’s on the way home from work, and it’s easy and quick and no extra gas cost to just pull in and grab something if I remember we need it.
But now that you mention it, there are moments when I survey my cart and wonder what other people think…
Re others’ carts–I survey them A LOT, but mostly to see what other people are eating and sometimes ask them if it’s good. Or to bond with the other crazy woman with 4 bags of on sale sweet cherries and ask what she’s planning on doing with them. Stuff like that.
–Jenn
1. I do often feel that others are judging what I buy, but I don’t worry about it too much. We all judge in some way. I once went to Target and realized as I emptied my basket onto the conveyor that I was purchasing condoms, a roll of duct tape, a black leather belt, and a seven inch kitchen knife – and that it probably looked a little…odd. I wonder what people think when I buy a couple of individually bottled teas that I enjoy (packaging!) or the occasional processed food product. Mostly I worry about people seeing me shop at Sam’s Club. I know it’s not the best corporation in the world, but when it’s 1.5 hours to town for groceries I need to buy some things in bulk. I’ve learned to let this go.
2. I don’t really look at what’s in other people’s carts unless they catch my eye for some other reason. I did get really aggravated with one woman who bought out all of the organic milk in the store because it was on sale after I had driven the 1.5 hours it takes me to get to there. (Long drives to the store are common in our area, and things don’t get restocked overnight.) In that case, I was thinking that she was being very selfish. Sure, I don’t like to see people filling their carts with unhealthy foods, but I know that everyone is in a different place. There was a time when I could afford little more than ramen noodles and 10-cent cans of corn. There was also a time when I had no idea what a GMO was and reached nirvana when consuming cherry cola. It took time and money for me to change my habits. I also know that some of the people whose carts are full of organic produce have dirty little secrets that are killing them faster than processed food ever would. The bottom line is that I’ve never known anyone to change their habits based on someone else’s snark, so I don’t really see any benefit in being nasty about what’s in a person’s cart.
3. My daughter. I’m usually so busy trying to keep that energetic toddler from causing havoc or wiggling out of the cart to her death that I don’t have time to judge or worry about judgement. I just get in and get out, and the faster, the better. I also do a ton of shopping at the farmers’ market, and everyone there is just so nice – and there’s nothing very “bad” to buy! BTW, the farmers’ market is great with my daughter. The guys are always putting out new produce and they always offer my daughter grapes and strawberries to snack upon while we shop. There was one time when a female customer was commenting about people putting back bruised or otherwise damaged produce. She felt that it was just sad that people would not accept flaws in their produce. I told myself that she probably lived in town and didn’t realize that when you have to drive so far to the store you need to choose the things that will last a little bit longer. Still annoying, though!
4. It’s more easily said than done, I know, but don’t worry about it. The person behind you in line or behind the register will be out of your life in approximately 5-10 minutes. I really believe that we don’t all have to get along on every point all the time – and that’s okay! To me, it’s more important to decide who is judging you. Is your inner voice trying to tell you something? In that case, it might be worth a listen.
I would like to second the fact that people never know the whole story, and judging based on a grocery cart is silly. However, I will admit to having felt judged at times ( married over 4 years and I still refuse to be seen buying condoms OR pregnancy tests! What can I say I look 16 and I get tired of seeing people make faces at me). I have also seen quite a few “head scratchers” when in line behind someone, but I try to always be polite and smile; I would never comment on someone else’s food choices.
I have severe, life-threatening food allergies which have left me at times in my life not sure what I could eat that wouldn’t require an immediate hospital trip. It takes time to figure these things out, and I can tell you that I’m sure during that time of eliminating foods to figure out the culprits, I had some funny looking grocery carts myself.
Apparently this is a gal thing. Guys don’t care one way or another about what others see in the shopping cart. As Rhett said to Scarlet, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
I used to cashier also, and i did judge ppl for their poor food choices if they were on foodstamps. i will totally judge. I admit it. just because you are on govt assistance doesn’t mean you have to eat like crap. put some whole foods and veggies in there, too. i judge ppl who buy commercial cigarettes. if you’re gonna smoke, fine, thats your choice. but be SMART about it! Make your own! its so much cheaper! price for 1 bag of tobacco and 1 carton of tubes (equal to a whole carton of cigarettes) = 1-2 packs of commercial smokes. i judge ppl who buy generic pet food. you know, the white bag of corn meal and animal by-product crap. its the same as a tv dinner for kids. zero nutritional benefits. your pets and kids cant buy food themselves. at least get them something nutritional.
Thats not to say that monetary problems have forced me to buy something cheap for my furbabies on occasion. the key here is ‘on occasion’.
and if i know i judge others, i know that i am similarly judged. then again, i have a complex dietary matrix, so theres things i just dont buy. more than 1 or 2 snackie type things, and i start feeling like a guilty fattie. i know i shouldnt get/eat it. but i do stockpile, so this might also be a month’s supply of snacks/poor food choices.
if i have more than 2 bottles of alcohol or wine in my cart, i assume ppl think im an alcoholic no, this is just my alcohol for the next 2 weeks. most ppl dont think that far ahead, esp when it comes to luxury items like alcohol and the like.
I also feel very judged when i (as a chubby caucasian female) shop at my local ‘ethnic foods’ stores. not just for what im buying, but for simply being there. I LOVE foods from around the world and trying new things. so i buy the pre-processed crap on occasion when the cost of getting all the ingredients doesnt justify the cost of the meal/item, or they are just for that one dish alone. like buying a 10lb bag of some rare/random thing that you wouldnt ever use for anything else.
I feel like they would be thinking “oh, look at the white girl, she thinks shes special and edgy for buying that shite frozen (item)” and so mentally, i think “back off, d-bag. at least im trying to overcome my land-locked continental cuisine upbringing”
My family used to get food stamps/EBT. Neither my husband nor I were working at the time, and without them, we wouldn’t have been able to eat. I have no issue with people receiving food stamps. Sometimes life just happens in that direction, and you do what you have to. When we first started using them, I was embarrassed. But after a couple of months, I was over it.
I have received looks (mostly from cashiers) for buying stuff with EBT. Even though we spent the majority of food stamp dollars on real food, I would get the occasional “Oh, you’re using EBT? Ohhhh….” judgement, with looks down their noses. I never really noticed anyone eyeballing my cart and giving me the evil eye though. And it never seemed to be about WHAT I was buying, just how I was paying for it. I think it also has to do with where you’re shopping. If you’re in, say, Walmart, no one really blinks an eye. But if you’re in some fancy schmancy food store, people will probably pay more attention (its always been in a Publix where I’ve received the cashier judgements, not that its fancy, but just for the record). I did have a cashier at Walmart tell me once that she had never seen anyone, in all her years there, with as much real food in their cart as what we had. That was a moment of pride.
I never really pay attention to other shoppers though. Or what they’re buying. I have zero spatial awareness, so I’m usually in my own little world. My Hubby is the one who says “Hey look…that man has KY Jelly and a box of twinkies!” But by the time I figure out who in the hell he is even talking about, they’re gone.
The only time I notice other peoples stuff is at the checkout. For the most part, I ignore it. Its a persons choice to eat what they want. If they choose to eat junk, then so be it. But, I will admit, I am a Judgey McJudgerpants when I see someone with a shopping cart full of processed, pseudo-food…and I mean FULL (like, bottles of soda hanging over the sides, the whole bottom rack full of cakes), and not a fresh or healthy thing in sight and they use EBT to pay for their food. And on more than one occasion I have seen a person pay for their cart o’ crap with their EBT card, then turn around and let someone else they’re with use the same card for their own cart o’ crap. That always makes me angry. I know processed stuff is cheap, and quick, and easy. But throw a bag of apples in there on top of your 4 pound cakes, I mean, come on. You’re getting this money because you need help feeding your family. So shouldn’t you be feeding your family actual food? And if you are receiving enough EBT bucks to pay for your cart AND your friends cart, you are getting more than enough to buy real food.
And that’s my only rant about shopping.
Aside from the food stamp judging though, I’ve never really given attention to other peoples carts, or felt like anyone was giving mine the run down based on the contents.
I’m currently unemployed, and my boyfriend just had his hours cut back, so we’re being very strict with our food dollars. Before that even happened we were making a move to eat less processed foods, and I’m already no-poo, OCM and salt crystal deodorant. We shop a few natural foods stores (one that offers bulk flours, pastas, herbs and such) and the local markets. When I do have to venture into a normal grocery store, it’s usually because it’s a last minute thing, or I know something is the best price. I felt SUPER judged the other day because my entire purchase was mayo, half and half, butter, a red onion and a 2L of Coke (the first bottle we had purchased in probably 2 months.) I felt like even the clerk was eyeballing my purchases like I was some crazy person. I needed those things, nothing else, and I wasn’t getting sucked into other things.
Cart anxiety is so real! I used to be a supermarket cashier and people would often apologize to me for the contents of their carts. Meanwhile, I would always feel like I was being judged for buying organic produce and whatnot, but that’s certainly not going to stop me. I didn’t think I judged other people for their carts, but now that I think of it, I just did it today at Costco – I saw a man with a cart full of bulk boxes of Oreos and snacks. It seems I get judgy of Costco-enabled excess.
I started this post by reading the second part (I missed that portion of the title) and then, in a confused state, managed to get to this one, where I’m actually left even more confused. People give a sh*t about what another person buys?? I do feel like I’ve just walked into a bizarro world after reading this. When I go to a store, I grab what I want/need/whatever and then buy it and that’s that. I’ve never had anyone, at least outwardly, judge me for what I buy nor have I thought much about what anyone else gets. Ever. And reading this actually made me really pissed off. Like right now I really want to go find that kombucha lady and tell her to shove it. Seriously, what the ‘eff. Here’s how I see it: You’re in charge of you and your kids or family or whoever depends on your grocery store trips, and that is it. So it doesn’t matter if you agree/disagree/loathe what someone else is buying. They aren’t you. They’re not your problem. And trying to shame a stranger on the contents of their cart with your personal opinion really just says A LOT more about you than the person you’re shaking a finger at. Move it along and take your weird holier-than-thou negativity elsewhere.
Word.
Stupid auto correct! “crazy junky” NOT “crazy kinky”. Lol. I’d be curious about that for sure! 😉
I don’t usually feel judged but I’m usually two busy keeping up with my 4 to son and 6month old daughter while trying to get what we need and stay within my tight budget. I guess I do sometimes judge. I’ve often thought, “Who buys (insert crazy kinky, crazy over-priced deep-fried pizza bagel roll cheese stick thingy)!? I remember once working as a cashier at a big discount place that a woman came through my line with a box of frozen, pre-made PEANUT BUTTER AND HONEY SANDWICHES!! Are you kidding me? It takes like 15 seconds to make one and those frozen ones are probably total junk! I know how long it takes becausey son would rat one for every meal if I let him. I haven’t done the math but I bet my no sugar natural pb, local raw honey, and whole wheat bread is actually cheaper than the frozen ones! Anyway, when I start to feel judgy, I remind myself that everyone is in a different place on their journey. I try to blame the big companies that make crap in a box then spend millions convincing us we’re too busy or inept to cook (make a sandwich) for ourselves and our families.
Totally off-topic, I know, and not your point, but some people use those frozen ones to avoid contamination when they have peanut-allergic kids and those who are not. Plus, they’re pretty yummy for junk food. 😉
I usually don’t care what is in my cart, but I do laugh when the frozen pizzas are on sale and I buy a dozen. No, I am not a single, college age male, I just have the same cart as one.
Ha – this is so interesting! I have to admit that I am sometimes embarrassed when I buy something that is the latest Dr. Oz fad, like goji berries, or green coffee bean extract or whatever. I’m sure the cashier is judging me for being such a sucker.
who gives a flyin flip what people are buying. thats part of whats wrong with this world. most people have nothing better to do than be up in someone elses business and judge them. well guess what there is only ONE judge. so instead of turning your nose up at what someone is buying try smiling or holding the door for someone or help someone with their groceries.
I read this yesterday and then today I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test and a package of Entemann’s mini donuts. I was just giggling to myself the whole time.
I read this right after we left the store a bit ago. I laughed out loud, for a long time. I asked Skip to turn around because I wanted to go back and do it, too, but he was having none of that. Heh.
Oh man….. I’ve never judged anyone or worried about anyone judging me, until NOW! Thanks for that. I’m too busy to notice what others are buying, that and trying to protect my items from being nabbed by someone else who forgot to get something 4 isles back. I do buy lots of organic produce and I have noticed people looking at my ‘stuff’, I just thought they were looking because I’m the only person in our town that uses my own produce bags. I also buy a lot of meat… red meat. Nothing makes me feel more powerful than slamming $87 worth of beef tenderloin in my grocery cart, grrrrr I’m a cave woman!
9 times out of 10, I go through the self checkout. I don’t care about other people noticing or what other people are buying. When I go through the normal checkout, I normally don’t notice/care what others are buying because I just want to get out of the store! Sometimes I do notice & judge though, but I try to not! When I do, it’s usually because:
– Cigarettes are being bought, particularly when the buyer has kids with them or is pregnant. I think, “….REALLY?! Are we STILL having the “seriously, smoking CAUSES cancer” conversation? Come on. Stop wasting your money.”
– If the shopper’s kids are throwing a fit, I judge the Sunny-D, ConAgra Kids Cuisine frozen dinners, Cheetos, chocolate milk, and Captain Crunch. “Stop feeding your kids s#!t and they’d probably stop acting up.”
– If the shopper or the shopper’s kids are very very very obese and buying mostly or only junk food, I judge. ESPECIALLY if it’s the kids. And I don’t judge/notice if they’re chubby or just overweight. But when your 4 year old weighs 150 lbs…well…come on.
I try not to, because I obviously don’t know who is eating everything bought, or what they normally eat, or what they used to eat, but sometimes I do.
I generally don’t feel very judged when I go through, usually only thinking about it if I’m buying a lot of junk food (which thank goodness I do not do too often) or if I were to buy products for adults who don’t want to get pregnant. Ahem.
My mom used to work at a grocery store and a pharmacy and she said she’d see people buying the weirdest things but normally didn’t even notice. When you’re in the check-out zone, you just want to get all the customers out. You don’t care what they’re buying unless they have a problem and want to argue about it.
I would NEVER EVER EVER say anything to anyone, not even if they were people I knew. It’s none of my business and it’s bad enough I think it. I have gotten better about “staying on my own mat” because I know it’s a struggle to eat healthy as an adult with no kids, and I know it must be 10000% harder with kids. Especially if they weren’t raised with good food choices.
I do feel judgement when I shop, but from shoppers, not checkers.
I know a lot of my shopping cart anxiety comes from the general constant but low-level anxiety and self-esteem issues I cope with. When I shop I also worry if other shoppers can tell that I didn’t wash my hair that day, am behind on laundry, and am still stuck in a customer service job even after college. Ridiculous? A little bit. But I bet I’m not the only one with such silly worries running through their head in the checkout line.
I rarely feel or fear judgement from checkers, though. As someone who once worked at Target, I guarantee that unless you’re a total bitch and go out of your way to be rude, your checker won’t remember you out of the dozens of other customers. On top of that, it’s highly unlikely that your cart full of embarrassing frozen dinners is the weirdest, saddest, or most easily-judged order that week!
I wouldn’t say I ‘judge’ people, but I do feel bad when I see someone who isn’t necessarily overweight but definitely looks unhealthy buying a bunch of processed crap. The fact is they just don’t know any better, and there’s no way for me to say “Hey, I bet you’d feel better every day if you traded some of those Oreos for fruit or some other small change” without coming off like a preachy bitch.
The only time I’m self conscious or worried about being judged is when I’m buying feminine products. Every time I go out to buy pads, I always have to grab an extra bottle of Midol and it’s always accompanied by an obvious comfort food, like ice cream, chocolate, or chocolate Chex mix. Or knockoff Thin Mints. (Hello, Walgreens.) I just hate walking up to the counter feeling like my basket is screaming “LOOK SHE’S ON HER PERIOD!”
I’ve gotten over my urge to judge or question by directing that energy at my own basket, asking if I have enough fruits and veggies to balance out my indulgences like my pint of Starbucks ice cream, how many meals I am going to get out of the cart and if I really need everything I picked up. I also used to be reeeeeally self-conscious about buying condoms, especially since I usually shop alone, but fortunately the special, non-latex, extra-large condoms my SO and I have to use because I’m allergic to latex and he’s….well…large…are only found at the local adult novelty store, and condoms are literally the tamest thing I can buy there.
If I ever saw someone actively being judged based on their cart I might not say anything unless the person was being openly rude, or the target of the judginess was visibly distressed. Generally, my attitude is “if they are happy with their choices, and I am happy with mine, I don’t care what anybody thinks of someone else, including myself.” But if that situation ever arose in front of me, I’d probably direct support at the target instead of confronting the aggressor by saying “Tomorrow is not a promise, and I think we’d all rather die eating Oreos instead of kale.”
As you’ve invited me, I’ll play:
1) Sometimes I feel…self conscious (that broccoli thing).
2) I make up stories to entertain myself as I wait in line.
3) Judging leads to blame and that’s not a game I like to play.
4) Only you know your story. I like cookies too, but I prefer chocolate.
I’m guilting of judging people based on their selections, but it is certainly not so intense or dramatic as this post makes it sound. It’s more of a quick: “what’s that?” “would I buy that?” “eh, no, ew, that’s gross. I could never” and that fast I’ve rounded into the next aisle and looking at another label. Seriously though, my shopping is rather focused, going in to get what I want and get out. What I’m more appalled by is the lack of healthy choices in most chain grocers. The labeling is dubiously misleading with cheap marketing gimmicks when the food is indeed lacking severely lacking in nutritional value. How can we fairly judge someone else because they picked a different piece of junk out of the junk pile than we did when it’s all junk?
The greatest judgement, though, is while checking out: the cashier 9 times out of 10 comments on how healthy I eat. Even when I have the over processed nonfat fro-yo and sugar-laden red sauce in a jar.
I judge! Always have, always will. 🙂 Since switching to a paleo diet a few years ago, I actually just feel bad for people who only buy potato chips and weight watchers meals and I want to shake them and say “heyyyyy you can eat bacon and steaks and delicious veggies all day and loose weight instead of that tasteless chemical sh** storm!”
I do however also think a lot of exclamation points and swear words in my head about any number of things soooooo. But back in my college days before I could cook I used to eat a whole package of cookies a day. So I would go to the store just for cookies and I would always buy some random piece of fruit or some granola or something to go with it just so that people didn’t think I had gone to the store just for cookies.
Now I am proud to be judged when I buy masses of grass-fed cow liver and bacon because it’s on sale. 🙂
As a fat girl who has bought her fair share of Oreos, I can totally relate to feeling like other people are judging my cart.
I can also admit to judging other people on the basis of their cart (not because of food; cigarettes.)
HOWEVER. No one has been appointed the Cart Nazi.
You cannot make other people’s choices for them. And unless they ask specifically what you think (or you are their health care provider), none of us have the right to offer commentary as if we are the arbiter of all that is good and healthy and appropriate. All of us have to draw our lines for ourselves and decide what we will or will not do. We have to accept the consequences of our actions (like my oreos and my fluff), but they are our actions and our consequences. No one else’s.
Besides, you will never motivate someone to change their behavior (about anything) by being nasty or rude. Much like moving in a crunchy direction, you will never convince someone to make changes by castigating them or shaming them publicly. It just won’t work. And it will not win you any friends, either.
It’s much better to give off some positivity in the shopping line! Smile at people, look them in the eye, give them a specific compliment. (I told a lady at the grocery store yesterday that I loved her purse. She beamed all the way out to her car, and that made my day happier too!)
I’m sure some people do look at what’s in my cart and judge me, but, not only couldn’t I care less, sometimes, when I only need a few things, I will add something odd to my cart–something that will up the bizarre factor–just in case anyone is paying attention.
I do have that knee-jerk tendency to judge at first glance, but then my monkey mind gives me grief about it because I don’t know that person, who says it’s all for them, how do I know they didn’t buy all veggies yesterday, mind yo’ own biz! And the truth is, I couldn’t care less what other people buy, so why do I even look? I’m more bothered by the idea that I still have that initial reaction to judge and it requires conscious thought to remind myself that I am only responsible for me.
These are the things that make me glad I live/shop in a lower income area. At least half, if not a solid majority, of shoppers at my local grocery are using food stamps. Nobody here cares at all what you have in your cart or how you are paying for it or if you are fat, pregnant, toting five children, paying with food stamps and using quarters to buy a pack of smokes or a lotto ticket. I don’t care, they don’t care. It’s a beautiful way to live. I’m fat, I have kids, I buy processed foods. Nobody even blinks.
Contrast that with the time I shopped in a very upscale grocery using food stamps in my parents’ upper income neighborhood. The cashier actually sneered at me! Crazy.
I don’t worry too much about what’s in my cart. I do, however tend to bury “personal” items such as laxatives or condoms so they aren’t just there for the world to see and if I ever go to the store specifically for a personal item I have to buy other nonpersonal things so my trip appears more casual. Before I lost 65lbs a few years ago I did have more cart anxiety than now. I was also on food stamps briefly in the past and had anxiety I was being judged for that. On the other hand I do pay attention to what other people are buying, I’m just curious. But I do catch myself on bad days wondering “what is that person doing with a huge cart of nothing but frozen dinners?! That is so unhealthy!” I don’t think it says anything negative about them as people and I don’t think I’m judging harshly; if anything I find myself genuinely concerned for the well being and health of a total stranger who probably doesn’t want my concern in the first place. I used to be that person.
I know I get odd looks, because I get questions from folks puzzled by my purchases. My mother’s gluten-intolerant, I’m rice-intolerant, and we have lots of other allergies and issues, besides.
I’m a tiny chick who isn’t unhealthy but who doesn’t really have any weight to lose. I also eat as much as a guy that’s twice my weight. (I know because my brother is twice my weight, and I regularly eat as much or more than he does.)
At the checkout with a full cart of groceries, I get asked things like, “How many kids do you have?” (None. Though I do live with my parents, so I usually just politely blame the full cart on helping them rather than explaining my fast metabolism and that yes, I eat that much, and yes, it’s as expensive as it looks.)
I also look about fifteen, so I get a double-take whenever I have alcohol. I’ve actually had some folks I know realize I’m an adult because they spotted me with alcohol.
As for others, I’m less judging and more…evaluating, because I might know something that might help someone else. For example, if I see a family with a lot of refried beans in the cart, I’ll ask if they’ve ever looked up how to make their own from dry beans, because it’s easy to stick on the slow cooker and leave alone all day. (If that interests them, I’ll jot down details so they can find a recipe later.)
Just last week, I spotted a lady muttering “Is there probiotic yogurt?” I pointed out to her that Greek yogurt is probiotic, and that the best ones have several different bacteria. I also gave a brief explanation of Greek vs. regular yogurt and helped the lady find a yogurt that suited both her tastes and what she was looking for.
I get a lot of odd looks from my random comments on things I observe and overhear. I’m sure some think me nosy. Some people even start getting apologetic and making excuses and explanations, at which point I smile and shrug and reassure them that I was just passing info along in case it’s something they want to know.
And about half the time? What I share is something the other person does want to know.
I’m usually more curious about what’s in other people’s carts when I’m food shopping. I wonder what they’re going to cook and for whom, etc. The only times I notice judgement is when I see a very large family with tons of not so great food in their cart and I wonder if they’re stuck in a food rut of complacency, or when I see a super super thin girl or guy with super healthy food acting pretentious about their food choices.
The only times I feel judged at the supermarche are when I’m buying only one or two things like nutella and pretzels, or two cartons of ice cream (because my family can never pick just one flavor). Self checkouts have sort of solved that issue though!
Very interesting topic!!
I have totally judged MYSELF! This week I bought boxed scalloped potatoes and pre cooked, diced ham for making ham and scalloped potatoes. I hadn’t gotten boxed stuff in so long, I didn’t know where to look. The problem is that they were so cheap! It was $1/box of potatoes. For me to make scalloped potatoes it would have cost so much more! Time and money wise. My husband and I both work and so starting to cook dinner when we get home at 5:00 (on a good day) can be daunting and require snacks. The fact that all I had to do was mix and bake for 30 minutes and dinner was done was wonderful. However at the same time I was disgusted with myself. We do really well about eating healthy. We can’t afford to have all organic food even for just two of us. I can’t imagine what it would be like with kids. We do eat a lot of whole and fresh food. However with both of us working there are somethings that we just can’t do. I can’t make my bagels that I eat for breakfast every day from scratch. I don’t have that amount of time. I wish I could but I don’t right now. I’m trying my best and that’s what matters.
Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself. A few months ago, I started budgeting after realizing how often we eat out. I now buy 95% of our food from grocery stores. This means that, to stay sane on the rushed days and to give myself the occasional break from cooking from scratch each night, I do occasionally buy frozen pizza, hotdogs, chips, even coke zero (that last one maybe every three months.) My only requirement is that these things be on sale! Once a week I give myself a break and make a really easy meal. It’s still better for us than eating out, and only a fraction of the cost. You’re doing fine!
I must have missed this convo on FB. Bummer. I honestly do not judge or feel judged by the contents in my cart.
I’m convinced of the need to buy organic and natural. I want to be all in, but … I can’t always be. I try to make the best choices for our family, but at particular times during the pay cycle, that means best financial choice which isn’t always the bestest all-natural choice. Our crazy lifestyle doesn’t always afford me the time to make everything myself. I wish I could. Consequently, **I know what it is to want one thing and have to choose to do another.**
If anyone is judging the mac & cheese boxes in my cart, I really don’t care. I hate boxed food, but I buy it because I am making menus according to my kids’ abilities in the kitchen. See, I have each of my kids make a meal each week. It is my goal, when they leave my house, that they can feel comfortable in the kitchen. My son likes mac & cheese. But he needs help with boiling water. In my grand plan, I’m going to progress from boxed mac & cheese to homemade mac & cheese with him. So anyone who sees the box and judges doesn’t know the full story. And I don’t need to explain it to them.
Even as I write that, I think, “someone could judge me for not starting him out with something more healthy.” Whatever. The boy likes mac & cheese and while not happy about having to make dinner, he will gladly make mac & cheese.
Their judgement doesn’t affect me. It only affects the person who is judging. My judgement does nothing for a person, it only makes me a more judgmental person. In my experience, judgmental people are not very nice to be around.
However, someone who is firmly convinced with their own good choices, and who lets me make my own choices… those are the people who I want to be around and am willing to learn from. Even, eventually, emulate.
(That’s one of the things that I appreciate about your writing, Betty. You don’t write in a pushy or judgmental way. I can read about your latest venture without feeling like if I am not doing it too, then somehow I am less of a person. So thank you.)
There was a time that I saw someone checkout and I did have an opinion about the contents of their cart: about ten bunches of bananas and four gallons of milk. I thought, “oh wow! I wonder what that’s about?” And sometimes, if I am behind someone who, I happen to notice, is putting mostly organic brands on the belt, I’ll think, “good for them, I wish I could.” But I am not suddenly embarrassed by my partly organic, partly processed cart.
The only time I really feel bad is when I go to Trader Joe’s and forget to bring a recyclable bag.
Mostly, I can’t be bothered to look at the contents of other peoples’ carts and form opinions about them. I don’t know them. I can’t presume to know them based on what they buy any more than they can know my full story based on what I buy.
Wow. I should have written my own post, I wrote so much here. Lol. I think I answered all your questions… except, if I saw cookies, cookies, cookies, I wouldn’t say anything. Food has too many triggers. No one needs to feel judged. Especially someone who is struggling. As a complete stranger, I have no place to say anything to anyone. Nor any place to judge anyone. I’m not the Judge. I can’t even judge myself very well. — Okay, now I’m done. 🙂
I admit both I and my mother are very opinionated and when we see people staring at us or giving us a judging look we are the first to turn around and say “what’s your problem?” It’s my cart, and if I wanna buy three bars of Ivory soap, a two pound tub of Oxyclean, and a pound of granola with a huge tub of plain yogurt then I will. I don’t judge people for their cart and I’ll tell off anyone who judges me for mine. Not my problem if their kid is fat and they’re buying a tub of ice cream anyway.
The store I go to the most is also where a lot of people from my gym (a Paleo-almost-mandatory-for-membership place) shop. We joke around about “cheater” carts, but I think mostly people are relieved that no one is actually quite as perfect as they seem at the gym.
I get a TON of comments about the amount of veggies I buy, from cashiers and people in line. While it can be a little awkward and I always make some sort of self deprecating comment, I have to admit that I feel validated when the natural grocer checker is impressed with my sheer veggie-eating power. (Lame, I know!)
As far as judging other people, I usually don’t care unless it’s pretty extreme*. Recently, I was checking out behind a very overweight woman with a walker, oxygen, and wearing a surgical mask. At first I just felt terrible for her. Her cart (which I noticed only later- I’m busy hiding chocolate bars under my broccoli!) was literally full of only processed foods and soda (not one single fruit or vegetable, I kid you not). Then she started complaining at length about all of her health issues, and every one was food related. I sensed she knew full well this was her doing, didn’t want to do anything about it, but needed to make a huge show of her plight.
It’s mean and I can’t believe I’m admitting it, but I judge. I judge hard.
* Except dog food. I loathe with every fiber of my being people who feed their dogs crappy food. When they smile at me, I can’t smile back. All I can think is that their poor dog can’t shop for itself, and they are forced to eat carcinogenic gruel through no fault of their own. I KNOW it’s the same for kids, but I don’t get as fired up about that. But it’s okay if YOU judge me for that!
Love your post CB! I was one of those who answered your FB question, but I’ve actually been thinking about this quite a bit the past few days, so here goes:
-Do you judge or feel judged in the grocery store based on the contents of your shopping cart?
Yes and no. Most of the time I’m busy, looking for a particular product, examining ingredients, and tallying prices. However, I am apparently ‘that woman’ who gets a lots of questions from people who’ve been staring at the 12 types of flour for 10 minutes. I also talk to random people a lot, and I fear that I come off sounding snooty or superior. I get more judgement seeing the products I’ve bought in my house more than I do in the store (Why in the world would you buy $6 peanut butter?!)
-What are some of the things you think about other people when you observe what they’re buying?
Occasionally I do want to tell people that the prepackaged junk is not real food. I feel like stores and advertisers are so hell-bent on feeding people this crap, there’s no visual reminders in the grocery store to watch out, read labels, so I want to tell them. I very rarely actually do so.
-Are there any ways you’ve gotten over your urge to judge – or over the concern that you’re being judged?
I have gained confidence in my choices by arming myself with education, and if I ever do get into a snippy exchange with another shopper (or friend), I feel confident pointing them to my resources and potentially change their mind. It’s not business of mine if you want to eat non-food, but I do think you should at least know about it.
-What might be something you’d say to help someone who feels they’re being judged (or actually is being judged) based on the criteria above (e.g., they’re pregnant and buying cookies, or they’re overweight and buying cookies, or cookies cookies cookies)?
You’re allowed to have cookies, no one is holier than though, no matter how much they may want to seem that way. In the case of pregnancy, happy mama = happy baby. Small, situation-based purchases (like tampons and chocolate bars) are only humorous and notable because of how they’ve been stereotyped in our society. No one else knows your story, and if they want to say something about your purchases, it shows more about their mindset than their choices. We hate in others what we see in ourselves, so it’s more their lack of control with cookies that tweaks them than you buying the cookies.
Is it judging if I just feel sad for people sometimes? Like for the guy buying a load of boxed dinners and a case of beer. Although I think the saddest thing I ever saw wasn’t really cart related. As I was leaving the store I saw an extremely heavy woman come out the door of the store, grab something from the top of her bag, unwrap a chocolate doughnut she had just bought devour it in 2 or 3 bites. She ate it so quickly and with such a sense of urgency, it almost seemed like panic. I don’t think she could have gotten any true enjoyment out of it–no savoring of the chocolate or the texture. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve battled weight all my life and in fact, still am. But that just broke my heart and in some ways helped me along my path to more healthy eating and slowly getting my weight under control.
I think this is a great post. Much deeper than it appears. I wonder how much we are actually being judged as opposed to our own inner voices projecting judgement on our choices. I think WE are our worst judgers. Truly, I rarely even notice what other people are buying. I’m far more concerned with getting in and out without a meltdown from my kids. Sometimes I see something on the belt and ask if it’s good or comment that I’ve been dreaming of that. (Usually it’s hostess products or french bread) The nearest health food store is over an hour and a half away from where I live so I shop in the only store within driving distance to my house which happens to be Vons. Most people here consider themselves “health conscious” but we also get a lot of visitors or weekenders who don’t really cook during their stay. For the average person that means greek yogurt and baked chips instead of fried. I think most of the carts reflect the normal “American Diet” heavy on the “low fat”, processed foods, and very little organic. The selection of gluten free options and organic foods is pretty slim and expensive here. So shopping is a challenge. I always have the same cashier and I think we fascinate her. We are not vegetarian but we only eat meat maybe three times a week and we are gluten free. My eldest is dairy free. She will comment things like “No meat this time?” or “Your kids will eat that?” or “How do you cook this?”. She is sweet though and friendly I don’t take it as judgement so much as genuine interest. When I go down the hill to the health food store I kinda lose my mind and stock up with our staples. I do a lot of canning and have a deep freeze for meats. Maybe there I get some judgement just for the sheer volume of food in the cart(s). But if judgement is there I don’t really notice it so it doesn’t bother me. Those trips are an event and lots of fun.
Seems to me most of the comments I read were about people “feeling” judged. But I think most of that is our internal judgement and natural insecurity. I don’t necessarily think it’s judgement when we look at a cart full of processed crap and want to clue the person pushing the cart in. When you make changes to your life that are positive you feel pumped up about them and motivated to share. I don’t think it is judgement quite so much as it is relief that we don’t live like that anymore (all the time anyway) and maybe somewhere underneath that, a longing glance at the joy of a hostess cupcake fresh out of the refrigerator.
Actually I don’t really care what people think of what’s in my cart, nor do I care what’s in theirs. It ain’t for me to judge – my only job on this earth is to do what’s right for me. But, if someone were to ask me for advice I’d tell them pretty much what I tell my niece and sister-in-law (who are plagued by feelings of being judged by others): is that person who’s judging you going to pay for your groceries? No? Well, then who IS paying for those groceries in your cart? You are? Well, then why do you care what they think of your food?? When they offer to pay for your food and come over and plan your meals and cook them then they can tell you what to put in that cart. If they are not going to do those things, then honey don’t even pay attention to them Read Star Weekly or People magazine in the line. Politely greet the checker, call them by name if possible and smile, pay for your food and walk outta that store with your head held high. Above all SMILE!! It will make them all wonder if you know something they don’t.
I usually don’t pay attention to what is in another person’s cart and I usually don’t care enough to see whether people are judging me and my choices. I do however notice the looks from the cashiers! I am a single (divorced) mother of three. I work part time only so that I can take my children to school and pick them up from school. No financial support from the ex so I ended up on SNAP… needless to say, when I purchase organic products for my family and I, I recieve some disgusted looks. I just want the cashiers to know that just because someone’s life takes a turn that puts them in a position to need government or state assistance doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve to eat healthy too! Okay, rant over. 🙂
Yes, to both sides. I work at Whole Foods, in the prepared foods section, so I see everybody’s carts go by. “Judge” might be too strong a word, but I definitely *notice* what everybody’s buying. Really expensive stuff is what makes me roll my eyes just a bit– a cart full of pricey pre-made food makes me think, ‘you could go out for dinner and spend less, and not have to do the dishes either’ but I don’t really care. If they have the money to burn, more power to them, I guess. I look to see what brands are popular, who’s cart looks the most like mine, who’s vegan/ vegetarian/ gluten free, whether I can guess what’s for dinner based on the ingredients. Really, I’m just bored!
When I’m the shopper, I feel judged for having too many boxes (i.e. processed foods), but mostly for the behavior of my sons, who are 2 and almost-4 and just all over. My 2-year-old can work free of that safety belt in .2 seconds; I’ll turn around to see him standing on the seat with some concerned stranger shouting, “ma’am– your baby!” I keep them contented in the store by feeding them the whole time. I pay for everything, but I worry that people think I don’t. I *know* parents with poorly behaved kids get judged, and hate to think that I fall into that category, although I know that some days I do.
I don’t usually even see what is in other carts because I am so consumed by making sure my two small children are staying quiet and still while I grab whatever I can that I think they might be willing to eat. I definitely feel judged though. Especially when Ice cream goes on sale and I buy a couple of tubs to last us months. (My kids rarely get ice-cream, but they are always with me when I buy it). I feel like i am always aware of what my cart might look like to others and am always poised to defend it (ex, being ready to point out that the “snacks” and “juice” are all 100% fruit, no sugar added). having a picky 3-year-old has taught me to pick my battles and be thankful for the healthy choices he does make and minimize his options for the less healthy ones.
I used to judge when I was younger and didn’t fully understand that people are just people and they are free to make their own choices of food. Over the last few years, I’ve had to put some pretty wonky things in my cart as I fought through some health issues, and decided that anybody who would judge me would be someone who is generally unhappy, cynical, etc…people who just have no place in my life normally. So why should I care? Typically, people often comment on the amount of produce we buy (for two of us, we buy a LOT every week), and then say some type of self depracating comment like “oh, wow. That’s a lot of produce. Isn’t that expensive? I could never eat that much, I just don’t like greens that much.” Or something like that. And I cheerfully respond, “well, we just found that we feel better when we eat more fresh and whole foods…so we made the choice to pay for our health now instead of paying to mask disease later on.” Either they make a funny face or look mildly interested. I also try to now make at least one positive comment to the person in front of me and behind me in line about them, what they have, etc…just to lighten things up a bit. It gets people out of their heads I think. Besides. If someone is pregnant and eating cookies, let them eat a cookie. If they eat a cookie for every meal, hopefully they’re healthy cookies. If I felt like it was my job to make sure the world was conforming to the really high standards that I have for myself and my family, that would be SO much more work than I’m interested in investing in something other than my personal goals in life. And I LOVE Coconut Bliss Ice cream…so all I do is have my husband go to the store, and he inevitably comes home with 5 pints of it, 10 bags of chips, etc…I’m sure people are ticked at him, because he is 6′ tall and weighs 160lbs (rail thin), but he could care less. So that has helped as well. 🙂
I definitely judge other people based on what they’re buying. And I work as a cashier at a grocery store. It’s not always negative (though honestly, it usually is): I think positive things of people who are buying organic, fresh, or who seem to be buying the classic “DIY laundry soap” ingredients. I also tend to feel more positive about people who are buying a lot of pet items, cuz I love kitties and puppies.
Most of my negative judging is about people who use food stamps to buy tons of soda, candy (why is candy even allowed on food stamps? that’s not food!), birthday cakes, and lobster. My husband and I should qualify for food stamps, but because I’m getting loans to go to college, I would have to be getting at least 20 hours/week at work in order to qualify, and I consider myself very lucky if I have 17 hours in one week. And no, I would not be getting any more hours there if I weren’t in school. I go to school online, so my availability is as open as it’s going to get. I guess you could say we don’t make enough money to be on food stamps. So, when people use that money that I’m too poor to get for junk and super-expensive items, I feel like those people are complete jerks.
I don’t worry about being judged for my own items. However, my husband and I do a lot of shopping for his mother because she has medical issues that don’t allow her to shop for herself. Her grocery list is usually comprised of tons of soda, chips, processed meat, candy, and TV dinners (which she never actually eats). I feel like I might be judged when I walk by a coworker with a cart filled with crap like that. And yes, I usually quickly explain that we’re buying stuff for my MIL.
Once upon a time there was a woman who was very judgmental and critical of herself and others. Along came a friend who reframed the world with a simple phrase: I wonder…
I wonder if that mom realizes her food choices effect her children’s behavior…
I wonder if anyone cares what I purchase…
Somehow those two little words changed my perspective. “I wonder” inspires curiosity versus judgment. At least for me. It took the sting and emotion out of the situation. (My friend was specifically suggesting parents help children with anxiety change the words “what if” to “I wonder”. It resonated with me in a far wider context. Your mileage may vary.)
The next step for me was realizing and really believing (not always the same thing) that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at that moment. In a word: compassion. Compassion for others is easier than self-compassion. Self-compassion is where I am now. Wow. It is an eye-opener and tough at times in our society. I’m still navigating these waters. Thus far, compassion towards others and compassion for myself is quite effective in leaving judgment behind, slowly but surely…
One time recently I was in the grocery store and I was picking up the groceries for the week. Now I eat pretty healthy but today I popped in a bag of chips in my cart. So now on the bottom I have all the good stuff on the bottom and on the top I have sparkling water and canned frozen limeade ( for mojitos! ) pita bread ( a.k.a processed junk we call bread ) you now all the stuff that you don’t really need your just passing the time. But then I see this person I know who is a total health nut at the end of the isle – they have not spotted me yet so I quickly re-arrange my cart so yeah I have felt judged
as for the the judging – yup for sure! Whenever I see crap in ppls carts i judge – I wish that i could say i did not though
P.S. Coconut ice cream is awesome! ( maybe you could make some?) And so glad your back!
i feel judged for buying processed foods for sure, usually only when i’m behind or in front of someone who has all the healthiest foods..and i am judgy about anything by Nestle. when i see it in other peoples carts i sigh in my head. also last night i was behind a woman buying processed cheese and white eggs and i totally judged her in my mind! oh my. silly.
This is a first comment on a post for me, but I felt I had to, given the subject material.
I, personally, am lucky in that I don’t care what people think about my groceries – pretty much care about everything else, but not that. I have struggled with food for years, and I go through terrible bad patches. You never really get over bulemia, it follows you around forever. Most of the time I buy fruits & veggies, frozen fish, yogurt, etc. If I want some potato chips, I’m going to have them. I’m the “slightly chubby” girl who is about 10-20 pounds over-weight at any given time, and I have a very slow metabolism. I try very, very hard, and in order for me to lose a significant percentage of weight, I have to eat under 1200 calories a day. That’s very hard to do, and can actually be dangerous. I was told I was fat and ugly for years in my young life, and as an adult have been used by a couple of horrible men. I’m a nice girl, and while I’ve made mistakes in my life and suffer a “shame” complex, I tend to be very non-judgemental of other people – and I’ve been stomped on one too many times to feel judged for the nights I want Kraft Dinner.
The one thing I DO judge people on, however, is how they feed their pets vs. how they feed their kids. When the cart is full of cheap food for the toddler and premium food for fido, it ticks me right off. As a teenager I worked at a frozen-meats place, and I will never forget this ugly brute who bought the children the $4.99 box of nuggets for the kids, and the premium t-bone for the dog. The exhausted parent with the Frosted Flakes, whole wheat bread, veggies, and chicken nuggets? Give them a break.
I totally check out what other people have in their carts and just assume that they do they same to me. And though I’m not proud of it, I usually do feel superior about my choices compared to theirs. I really shouldn’t feel that way because I definitely don’t have a perfect diet, and the processed food world is very clever at marketing their products as healthy.
I’m probably at my most judgey when kids are involved, like if the kids are chubby and the cart is full of chips, fruit snacks, frozen pizzas and the like, or if the kids are running around crazy and there is lots of sugary, artificially flavored and colored stuff in the cart. I think about the life time of health problems they are setting their kids up for.
On the flip side, I get judgey if someone has a cart with choices that are even better than mine. I think they’re snooty and superior if they only have organic produce and milk and the $5 a dozen organic free-range eggs. I think I get judgey of them because I think they’re judging me.
I don’t know if it’s just human nature that leads us to judge and want to make ourselves better than others, or if we are products of a society that pushes us to always want what’s better than what everyone else has. Maybe it’s just the grownup version of wanting to be in the cool group in school. The way to become a cool kid is to put down the un-cool kids.
Do you judge or feel judged in the grocery store based on the contents of your shopping cart?
Sometimes. Not much anymore as I’ve switched to nearly all organic and real food. But I live in a small town…and I ALWAYS see people I know..ugh..
What are some of the things you think about other people when you observe what they’re buying?
I feel sad for them. Because I know what I’ve been through in my life and health because of processed non-food food. I look at the sadness in peoples eyes and always want to say “start by buying real food not those chemicals.”
Are there any ways you’ve gotten over your urge to judge – or over the concern that you’rebeing judged?
I try not to judge….I am reminded in the Bible that I should not judge lest I be judged. I try to be open minded and think through their shoes. Don’t always succeed, but I’m trying.
What might be something you’d say to help someone who feels they’re being judged (or actually is being judged) based on the criteria above (e.g., they’re pregnant and buying cookies, or they’re overweight and buying cookies, or cookies cookies cookies)?
I think the feeling of being judged comes from guilt over what we’re buying. I always felt like I was being judged when I was buying Diet Coke and oreos. Yes, I’m overweight…goes hand in hand right? But you see, the heart of it for me was that I didn’t WANT to buy those things. However, I didn’t know anything different or how to overcome it to buy what I did want to buy. In going down this journey to real food, I no longer feel shopping cart anxiety (of course, it helps that I don’t shop much in my small town anymore as there is limited resources).
Now, I happily push my trolley full of organic veggies and milk through the store, shopping the perimeter and gleefully going to the checkstand, knowing I have a bountiful basket full of nutrition.
My advice if you’re feeling judged it to ask youself honestly what do you feel guilty about? If your answer points to a product, then reevaluate the product and if you can do it yourself. If your answer points to nothing, then don’t worry about it! In the end, does it really matter what others think?
Oh – BTW – to the earlier comment about buying “expensive” organic food with EBT, as a tax payer, I’d a whole heck of a lot rather pay for healthy “expensive” organic produce than ding-dongs and cheetos…
This is fascinating to me! My fiance and I try really hard to eat healthily and naturally, and as he’s a great cook, most of the time this means our shopping trolley is full of good stuff. However, he has an eating disorder and this means some of the time, our trolley is full of nothing but sugar, sugar-covered sugar with added sugar, and sugar. And I totally, totally feel judged when this happens, even though I’m sure it’s all in my head. I feel like people are either looking on in horror or assuming we’re just massive stoners. If I run into a friend or family member on such occasions, I immediately start making excuses for the amount of crap we’re buying.
And yes, I do judge people with kids when I see their trolleys full of junk and processed stuff, and I do cringe at myself when I do it. It’s a gut reaction – “don’t they know how bad that stuff is for their kids?” – and then I feel like a terrible person and I smile too much at them to make up for it, which probably doesn’t alleviate the impression that I’m a massive stoner.
What a good post! So the people who feel judged, are actually being judged. I didn’t worry about it until recently. I’m just finishing up a certificate program in holistic nutrition consulting, and I had to give a public speech on Why Diet Matters. I’ve launched a Health Challenge and I’ve created a facebook page and so NOW that I’ve advertised myself as a Healthy and Clean eater, I am more aware of what my cart looks like, and occasionally -when I know that only part of my produce is organic, or I’m picking up the lunch meat that my husband thinks he can’t live without -I hope I don’t run into anyone I know. 🙂 On the flip side of this, I try not to be judgmental. I WAS the person who honestly believed a pop-tart was a perfectly fine choice for breakfast, and who had to have a bowl of ice cream every single night. THEN my whole body fell apart and I was forced to learn the hard way. I’m a big believer that the people who have carts full of processed foods are the people that simply don’t know any better.
Here’s a link to my speech if you’re interested.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpEHu4RRy7s&feature=youtu.be
PS-I’m glad you’re posting again!
http://kyokushin-aoki.sakura.ne.jp/www/tvojdi.php
I do feel judged and I sometimes judge others in a pathetic move to justify myself. Sure, I have a bag of Baked Lays in my cart, but THEY have cupcakes, non-baked potato chips, and just look at all that soda, no wonder they are a little overweight! I try to catch myself before I get too far into that train of thinking because a) I have no idea what their personal circumstances are and it isn’t my business and b) they could be taking it to a company party or some other event and I’m not a member of the Food Police so what right do I have to judge others for their choices unless they are directly endangering myself or my family? I could preach at them all I want about eating leafy greens but it is their deal what they decide to eat and I wouldn’t like it if someone walked up to me and told me I was eating crap. There are better ways to educate. My advice is to make good choices for your family and be confident in them and understanding that other people are doing the same. Then just don’t worry. Because worrying about things that are out of your control is not worth the stress and unhappiness.
I don’t get really judgy unless it’s BAD, like the time I saw a woman with a loaf of white bread and a bag of Doritos and she refused her kid who was begging for an APPLE. That one pissed me right the hell off, but I probably wouldn’t have even thought twice about what was in the cart had she not been denying her poor kid some fruit. (And yes, those were the only two things in the cart at the time.)
I used to have an ebt card, and yes I bought healthy and organic food with it. I laughed about it. the sad thing is that costs more, and processed food is cheap. I love how you did this, i just became aware of the fact i do judge people because of the content of the cart. I just want to go home with the people that have steak, beer, and fries in the cart. I don’t eat any of those anymore sometimes i envy that. coconut ice cream sounds awesome.
I am so glad you’re covering this. I HATE shopping for groceries and supplies for this very reason. I would like to think that people don’t really pay attention to my cart, because I certainly don’t really pay attention to theirs, but after reading all of the comments from FB and this post, whew, I was wrong!
I think I feel most judged when buying anything remotely sexual or maybe something medically embarrassing. I’m also overweight (but I’ve lost 18 lbs – go me!), so when I to treat myself and buy something like Weight Watchers ice cream, I feel like people are thinking “fat fat fat fat fat” or something equal.
In reality, I don’t care. I won’t see those people again and my anxiety typically leaves me once I’ve left the checkout and my items are safely nestled in my shopping cart.
To answer one of your questions more directly, one circumstance you mentioned I observe quite frequently. The stressed mom, 2 or 3 kids in tow, who are going absolutely bonkers and unable to behave in the store. The mom is appalled at their behavior, and seemingly lost as to the cause. Her cart is filled to the brim with sugary drinks, snacks, and processed foods. The kids have of course demanded the junk food, as this is the norm for them. The mom is griping about how expensive this shopping trip is going to be, and how ill-behaved the kids are yet again, and rationalizing aloud that she “needs” to buy so much ready made food because she “Doesn’t Have Time To Cook”. I wish I could tell her the kids are probably acting like heathens because they’re loaded up on the sugary junk from last week’s trip, are coming down from that high like smack heads, and behaving like any addict would, as they’re following around a buggy full with their ‘drug’ of choice. I want to say if we all cooked from scratch a bit more, we would save money, which means we work less, which means we gain time. I want to say that I find it ridiculous how our society now undervalues time spent making our own food, but then overvalues spending an ostentatious amount of money on store bought junk food, and eating out…holding those two ideals in such high regard seems quite contradictory to me. Finally, I want to say to the mother a little pre-planning with the kids before the shopping goes a long way. Involve the kids in the weeks menu, let them decide healthy choices for each meal, let them help make a list, and now at the store you’ll have a clear “battle plan” to keep the kids entertained, and invaluable teaching moments. Explain to the kids why instead of potato chips, we’re choosing carrot chips, how it’s important to have fruit juice or water over soda, etc. The little ones can be occupied by finding produce by color, etc. Those are just some of the things that go through my mind, maybe some more than others. 🙂
Some good points. I hope you have children in your life–sounds like you’re a natural teacher! I get sad when I see this sort of thing happening, too. I don’t like to judge, even internally, so I try to think of what it’s like to be that mother. Is she divorced or a single parent? Did anyone ever bother to teach her the importance of eating well, how to budget her time and money? Did she ever have the opportunity to learn how to parent by example, to observe and interact with a devoted, intelligent mother or father? What limitations (intellectual, emotional, etc) is she working within?
I think the fear of judgement of strangers is really a reflection of us judging ourselves. By the time you get to the line, what seemed like something you absolutely needed or deserved is now clearly a bit foolish, and instead of realizing that, we’re distracted by what others might think of us, instead of recognizing what really matters is what we think of ourselves. It’s never too late to change your mind and ask to put things back…yes, that might be a bit awkward, but the time that takes is much shorter than it’s going to take to work off that pint of ice cream you were planning to eat by yourself watching TV.
So i read but don’t normally comment, however this post I have to comment on because not only do I admit to doing it, I know it happens to me. When I was massively pregnant I had a craving for those tasteycake individual cherry pies. I HAD to have one. The rest of my cart was fruits, veggies, gluten free foods (my husband is gluten free), veggies, and the cashier got to my pie and goes “well that’s an odd purchase right there. All this healthy stuff and then the pie”. I almost died. I was so embarrassed evening buying the pie… i don’t usually eat like that! However anyone who has been pregnant knows that sometimes you just have to give in to the craving.
To this day when I have people over and have to shop for “unhealthy” food I don’t normally purchase I feel like yelling to people “This isn’t for me!! I don’t eat like this every day!!” because I can feel people staring at my bags of chips and cans of soda going “oh god, shes one of those parents who feed their kids junk food”.
Wow. Yep. I’m a total jerk. I always check out what people are putting on the conveyor in front of me (I’m not so obsessed yet where I stare in at passing shoppers as I pick up my organic bananas. Yet. God help me.)
When I see what people are buying, I think, “OH MY GAWSH this person is KILLING themselves! They don’t even know you’re supposed to consume only fermented soy! Look at the GMO corn products in their cart! These poor people think they’re being healthy – eggs from a STORE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!? Are they buying kombucha? What, can’t they make it at home? Well, whatever, at least they’re drinking it, which is better than that person behind me who has vitamins not made from whole food sources, might as well just randomly throw them out the window on the way home because they’re going to do them about the same amount of good.” And that’s only in the organic health food store. I have to pinch myself not to gag or do a painful squinty eyeball look when we go in a regular store, where mostly I just think, “You are going to die. Like today. Pop? For real? Do you even know the pH of pop is like 2.5, 100,000 TIMES more acidic than tap water, which, is horrid in itself?” There are so many more thoughts there that it would take an entire blog to explore them all.
So, as you can see, I am a total jerkface. I know this isn’t an excuse, but my jerkfaceness does stem out of wishing I could change the world, rid it of all the nasty stuff because when it comes down to it, you can’t blame the people if they don’t know. You can, however, get a bit bothered with the companies who are promoting these things even though they have the research to show they are indeed killing people en masse. And it makes me sad for the people, even though my previous paragraph makes me look like I’m nothing but a total freakazoid.
As far as what I’d say to the people who feel like they’re being judged – I say, why do you think that? Should you be buying it? Are you okay with it? If so, who cares what I think? Have you researched it? Are you strong on your stance to consume it? Then it doesn’t matter. If your purchases are educated ones, then stand strong and educate others when they ask. If your purchases are out of just because you crave it and you only eat it once a season, who cares. You know you’re not sitting in a dark closet scarfing Oreos every day (dear God, the partially hydrogenated oils!). If you need to change, change. If you don’t, don’t. Stand strong on it and live your life.
Ms Daisy,
You may be my long lost twin. That’s exactly what goes through my head!!
Ha ha! High five (Well, not high fiving on the “yeay we’re jerks together”, but on the long lost twin thing)! This I don’t need to explain though, as twins can read the minds of the other, right? I also blog similar madnesses (made that one up, sounds like Schmeigle) if you want to come visit me at Pink’s Thinks (if you google that phrase, there I am.).
I think I tend to judge myself more harshly than other people probably judge me. I am fully aware that my own sweet tooth regularly gets out of hand. I don’t assume that other people care very much what I’m buying!
As far as judging others, I’m prone to do it but I try hard to recognize that and stop myself. I think there is SO much that has to be considered when filling up a grocery cart that affects the decisions a person makes about what goes in there. For individuals who are low income and use EBT (been there btw!) the grocery store is full of tough decisions. Fresh produce is expensive, and it’s not always very filling (don’t tell me lettuce fills you up!), making it a poor choice for someone on a limited income who has a family to feed. Another thing to consider is that people in this country have not had equal access to quality education, and that has the potential to affect their knowledge of how the body uses food and how closely related some illnesses are to diet. Frankly, I’ve got 5 years of college under my belt and food labels still confuse me!
I’m not trying to get preachy here, I just think it’s important to remind ourselves that we never know the whole picture, and people usually make the best decisions they have with the resources and knowledge that is available to them.
A) I totally feel judged. I live in a small community, so I constantly run into people I know shopping. I’m well-known for being The Vegan, but few people know that my husband is a microwave pizza loving carnivore…so I worry that when folks see my cart, they’re thinking, “She lied! She’s buying pepperoni pizza and fish filets and CHEESE. WHO IS SHE REALLY.” But, to be fair, that’s never actually happened (I don’t think?).
B) My mama is a coupon clipper. So many years ago, shopping with myself and my sister, she had double coupons for whipped cream. To maximize her savings, she sent each of us through the checkout with 1) ten cartons of Cool Whip 2)the bras that she bought us (on sale, duh), and a few other odds and ends. Fifteen year old me was so mortified, I could barely push my cart. So, there’s that.
C) Also, if I’m buying booze, I feel like I need to pick up a few other things or I look like an alcoholic. Awkward.
Sometimes, I shop in the town a few minutes away just to avoid all this 🙂
When I read that on the facebook page I thought “No way, that’s a thing?” My sister and I used to try and put the items in other peoples shopping together and figure out what they would be eating that day (the weirder, the better!) but I never thought about the person at all – in either a positive or a negative way. I am, however, probably the queen of weird shopping trips. As live in family support I’m not responsible for the food in my house, but occasionally I get sent to the shops with the kids to pick up a couple of things that were forgotten from the list, and I usually buy some things for myself then. I do sometimes wonder what other people think of my shopping – a fairly young girl with multiple children buying a head of lettuce, a jumbo pack of toilet paper, and a bottle of wine for example. And that’s one of the more normal ones! But I’ve never even considered judging/being judged.
1. When we’re supermarket shopping we go to the place down the road that tends to have really cheap and kinda scary meat, and not great produce. We get most of our meat and veges from a butcher and a vege market respectively, so we don’t get many veges from the supermarket itself – I think that makes us look kinda dodgy – just buying cheese and soymilk etc. However, because of the cheap and nastiness of some of the food at the store I tend to judge other people a LOT – like the woman with her daughter and a cart filled with icecream and loaf upon loaf of processed white bread. And nothing else.
2. Baaaasically I just think about what awful food people are putting into themselves/their children. That white bread I think of as colon glue, so I think a lot about colon glue at the supermarket. Oh, when I see people with out of season veges I think “OMG FOOD MILES”. But I guess it’s there choice to pay ridiculously high prices for imported fruit and veges that’s mostly off by the time it arrives here (NZ).
3. I don’t worry so much about being judged but sadly I don’t try to much to get over my judgyness. I just roll with it – I’ve never said anything outloud though, and I don’t even think I’ve given any one a sustained ‘look’.
4. To the judged I say: Screw it, a little bit of what you fancy does you good. Even that colon glue bread is ok provided it’s a ‘sometime food’.
I definitely feel judged when grocery shopping. Partly because I’m fat, and any person who is fat shouldn’t buy food at all, or if they must it should only be veggies.
Not only am I fat but I’m also fructose intolerant so even at the health food store I buy a lot of meat, and potatoes, and only a little bit of the green stuff.
Of course I do feel judged also when I’m only walking down the street because, well, fat, so there’s that.
I used to be one of the people judging others because of the amount of processed food they have in their cart. These days I try to not even register what they have. I’m not the food police.
We buy our produce at a local salesman close to where we live, so at the grocery shop, we usually end up just buying dairy products. I’ve sometimes looked at my cart and thought it’s a bit funny that we just buy milk, eggs, cheese and yogurt. But I wouldn’t say I feel anxious about it. Only if we buy meat, which we do rarely … A lot of people in our area are vegetarians, and when the person in front of me has bought soy protein and quorn, I feel like telling them that I’m not “actually” a meat-eater (which, you know, I still kind of am).
I do look in other people’s carts, but I’d say it’s more out of curiosity than anything else. Like “oh, what are they cooking for dinner?”. But I think it’s funny how we tend to group things other people buy together and try to make a whole picture out of it. There’s actually nothing that says they will be using all of those things for the same purpose.
This is a super timely post – I was JUST thinking about this while shopping at Sprouts, with a cart full of produce, and I put a bag of chips in the cart (snacks for a class of grown people who can make their own choices, I also bought carrot sticks for them), and I was totally worried about what people would think! And then I went over and grabbed myself a pre-made dinner near the meat counter, and once again, felt judged (although that time I felt like people just thought I was sad and lonely for buying a single-serve organic pot pie).
Maybe it’s because we’re shopping at “health” food stores? I mean, these stores still sell the unhealthy stuff for a reason – there’s no way people don’t buy it. So maybe it’s not just WHAT we’re buying, but where we buy it?