Update: Yikes almighty. You guys are amazing, but I think we bit off more than we expected to chew (but we can chew it – yes we can!). Two-hundred of you ordered the cleansing grains special, but what I didn’t count on was another 100 Etsy orders at the Crunchy Betty Natural Market. Bear with us; everything SHOULD be going out no later than Saturday.
I woke up at 6:00 this morning (Tuesday) to write this – something I’ve been wanting to share for weeks – and spent over 6 hours on it, never quite content with the way it turned out (PMS is NOT helping). So I shelved it for a bit. And after spending the afternoon stewing about it while knee-deep (not literally, ew) in cleansing grains, I thought … What if I just post it the way it is? What if? That’s the game. What if?
What If You Play the What If Game?
I’ve been doing this little thing lately that I’m calling the “What If” game.
We all do this all the time, anyway, with stuff – but I’ve discovered that when I play it on my brain, it makes me feel less like stabbing my problems with a fork and more like making out passionately with life.
Life loves it, by the way. I’m not, like, forcing myself on it. It’s consensual.
When we experiment with beauty treatments and foods and whatnot at home, we’re playing the What If game, only it’s easier than playing it on your brain. You go, “What if I don’t use shampoo for the next month?” And then you learn and it’s not a big deal and you either end up with gorgeous bouncy hair or string cheese growing out of your scalp.
Either way, you learn and then you go on with life and everything’s fine.
So keep that in mind. It’s going to get kind of weird for a minute, because I’m going to let you into my brain so you can see how the What If Brain Game works.
Everything to me is a Very Big Deal. Things I have to do, things that happen in my life, and things like whether or not the outdoor temperature is optimal for wearing short sleeves or should I wear a light sweater or maybe I should just stay at home because there’s a 10% chance of rain. Big deals.
And because everything is a Very Big Deal, changing the way I look at it all seems like a huge commitment that I’m likely to fail at. Reading a library full of self-help, motivational, and spiritual books hasn’t helped me all that much, because of this Very Big Deal outlook on life.
Every time I read a book about Success!, or decide to start exercising more, or want to change anything, it feels like a commitment. People are all, “Look. You just have to have willpower.” And what I hear is, “Look. You just have to be miserable and force yourself to do something you hate and you’re probably going to give it up after a while, anyway.”
It is very easy to make yourself do something you hate, continuously and forever. Right? RIGHT?
Finally, after 37 freaking years on this planet, I have decided that it’s okay to not be motivated by that kind of thinking, and I will create my own FUN motivated thinking. And, like any game, the more you play it, the better you get at it.
How to Play the What If Brain Game
The Objective: To learn whether, through no-biggie experiments, you can change the way you look at life, achieve a goal, or kick a bad habit – without feeling like any of it is a Very Big Deal.
There are only a few rules:
- What Ifs are all experiments, and nothing about the outcome is a Very Big Deal. It’s just fun to play.
- It doesn’t matter what other people think about the experiments you run by saying What If.
- If you don’t like the outcomes after a few trials, you can adjust the experiments or just move on.
- As long as you’re unattached to any specific outcome, and as long as you play it truthfully and without manipulation in mind, it is a success, even if it fails, because you’ve learned something new about how you navigate your life.
Here’s what you do:
Notice Something In Your Life That Causes You Problems
For me, it most definitely was worrying and over thinking, which led to being controlling when people didn’t do what I thought they needed to do in order for me to be happy.
For you, it could be that you get very angry when people disagree with you, or the fact that you don’t eat as nutritionally as you’d like, or that you can’t motivate yourself to write that novel because it’s such a Big Deal and who wants to read about a blind English peasant girl who finds the meaning of life in pretzel making, anyway?
Whatever it is, notice it and be honest that it’s YOU that’s actually creating the problem by way of your inaction or your reaction.
Then ..
Start Thinking About Potential What Ifs
Once you’ve played the game a few times, this part comes completely naturally, immediately upon noticing that you’re causing your own mental anguish.
Just start thinking about the alternative ways you can react to something, or the alternatives to your inaction.
“What if I just sat down and wrote a page of my novel?” Or “What if I let go of my need to be right, and let that other person believe what they want to believe?” Or even, “What if I just go out and walk for 15 minutes and then decide whether or not I want to play the What If game about exercising again tomorrow?”
It ain’t no big thang.
For me, my initial What If was this: “What if I just let go, stopped worrying about this situation, and smiled instead? What if I just do one thing to move forward, make one little decision, and then let go and see what happens until I’m ready to play the next What If?”
Put Your What If Into Action
Once you isolate the What If you want to act on, you actually do it. But it’s no big deal, because it’s just an experiment. Just to see what might come of changing the way you behave, perceive, or do for a little while. It’s a mystery, what might come of it!
Real-life example: When Skip lost his job, I started down my road of worry. Two days into it, I said, “Wait. What if I just let go and believe that everything’s going to work out all right?”
So I put that What If into action. Within days, the situations that led to the Crunchy Betty Natural Market had played themselves out, and let me tell you people, Skip has embraced his role and is enthusiastic about being a part of it, and things are going exceptionally well in ways I couldn’t have experienced if I’d been Miss Worry-Until-Everyone-Around-You-Hates-Your-Face. And even though we’re SO busy right now, I keep playing “What If” every time I start to feel stressed out or worried. And – NO WAY – it’s actually a blast!
Notice the Outcome Without Being Discouraged
Again, this harkens back to the rules of the game. You cannot be attached to a potential outcome. You just have to notice what happens.
Did you spend the rest of your day writing? Did you feel more at peace because you moved on with your day positively, even though that chick with a stupid opinion ticked you off? Did you feel great after going for a walk?
Those were great outcomes! Experiment with the same What If again until it just becomes your new way of being. (New Way Of Being seems more official. Let’s go with that.)
However, you might find that your What If made someone else react to you in a weird way. Perhaps your What If was something like, “What if instead of continuing this fight with my husband, I just look at him, tell him I love him, and that we can discuss it again in a few days if we still think we need to.”
And his reaction was, “WOMAN! I AM NOT DONE. YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM RIGHT.” And then he stomped off and went to the garage and drank beer and fixed his car with a wrench or a nut or whatever you fix cars with.
Well, that might not have been a great outcome. The first time. But you might want to try the same What If again, because you know in your heart that, when you’re both comfortable with that What If, it will lead to better communication.
Don’t Give Up On Your What-If Until You’ve Experimented a Few Times
You cannot develop muscle without repetition, unless you’re the Incredible Hulk. So be prepared to run the same What If a few times to fully decide whether or not it’s a new way of doing things that you’ll make a part of your life forever.
When you get used to asking What If, you’ll start noticing that your reactions to situations are easier, more peaceful, and open to SO many more possibilities. What if you just … try it for a little while?
In the Game of What If, EVERYONE Wins
Do you want to pick one thing to start playing the What If Brain Game about? What do you think your first What If should be?
We can chat about it here, but remember, there are winners. And the winners are ONLY going to be the people who play, but it just so happens that if you play, you win. That’s how it works.
Tada! Crunchy Betty’s Natural Market on Etsy – Limited Special for Crunchy Betty Readers!
Utilize any search-engine to find them.
one of the most overused lyrics on the planet, but-
you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.
i’ve been having an absolute sh** year and it’s not over yet. but- crunchy betty i absolutely mean this- your blog was what i needed at the exact moment in time that i needed it.
i have gotten so wrapped up in all the bad stuff this year i started to feel like a vortex of awfulness. happiness evaporated within a half mile of me. sarcasm became my native language.
what if i just concentrate on one thing at a time? what if i pick up one project and finish it? what if i decide that i’m ok? what if i don’t dwell on things that i can’t change or improve?
what if i just concentrate on finishing one project? that’ll do for the first experiment. i’ll pick a project sitting on my workbench and finish it up. good idea crunchy betty.
What if….. I stop trying to aim for perfection with how my body, skin, clothes, face, nails, hair, relationship, family, job looks like? Or even with how my life looks like??
I feel much more relaxed just thinking about it already! =)
Thank you so much for writing this empowering article. It took all of a few minutes to read but it’s so effective and useful!!
I just had to say….what an awesome thing to read. Seriously great advice that I need to take….”What if, I take this advice and really try it!?”
I have always been a night owl, seriously, since the day i was born, i hate sleep. but during the day i get tired and rundown and i know its because i dont get more then a few hours of sleep every night. Trying to shut my brain off and closing my eyes….. nearly impossible. so what-if i try to go to bed a little earlier each night. I know this will help my focus and energy and so many other aspects of my life….
So I played the game this morning. I have been “no poo” for over a year now and on very rare occasions might put some castile soap in my hair to get all the oil out from a hot oil treatment or oily hair mask. Today I looked at my jar of homemade lotion and thought, “hmmm…it sure does look a lot like hair conditioner. I wonder if that is how hair conditioner got started in the first place…somebody just put it on their head?” So…I washed my hair this morning and put 1 Tblspn of my homemade lotion on my hair, worked it through and left it on for 5 minutes, then rinsed it out real good. Wow! My hair is soft and happy. 🙂
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has been playing this game lately:)
fantastic article, as per usual. and so gosh-darn applicable to the real world… slash to most women out there! i have too many what if experiments to write them all down here – im excited to get started. thank you a million!
I take things way too personally. Even when I know it’s not personal, even when it (whatever it is) is directed at somebody else, I still feel like it’s my problem. So I’m going to try “What if I stop being so thin-skinned?”
I love you, Betty. Magnificent idea! You do more than you realize for us ladies and gents here on teh interwebz. I can’t wait for the next situation to come up so I can play this game!
So much LOL-ing @ “Woman! I am not done!”…and going to the garage to drink beer and fix a car with a wrench or a nut. This I love. Your “what-if” I write this sentence turned into making my day.
Great advice. I heartily encourage people to “just try it”. You are a real whiz-bang, Betty! Don’t let those Very Big Deals eat you up!
I used to play “What’s The Worst That Could Happen”, and that was pretty good… but focused on the negative.
I think “What If…” is even better. Much more positive. Thanks for the new perspective, great timing (as usual)!
“What’s the worst that can happen?” works for me because generally it is nebulous fears that hold me back and the fears are so much bigger than the actual risks involved. Generally the worst that can happen is that things stay pretty much the same as they are if my venture fails. But I’m focusing on What if OMG I COULD FAIL AT THIS instead of What if I try and fail– the worst that could happen is I’m out a few hours a bit of effort etc and maybe something better could come out of it. I think its a personality thing.
I have actually been playing this without realizing it…what if I said yes? what if money wasn’t an issue? what if I just signed up and went? what if I stick one or two toes out of my comfort zone?
I’m glad you wrote this post because reading it I realize I want to play it with my children as well as myself. what if every little annoying behavior doesn’t mean that I am raising jackasses? what if they are just being kids? what if I make it more fun? what if we take and extra few minutes to deal with it?
what if the possibilities are endless? 🙂
Oh my goodness I needed this post and this change in mindset!!! I am a perfectionist at heart, which means I tend to also be a procrastinator. I am easily overwhelmed by what I perceive to be the sheer volume of things I need to do!
Like you, self-help books frustrate me even more and leave me even more overwhelmed. But this???? This I can do!!
What if I folded those clothes?
What if I didn’t eat that?
What if I cleaned the stove?
On and on….I guess I don’t understand it, but just saying “what if” takes the pressure of perfection OFF me.
My goodness thank-you!!!!!
Great post! I’ve actually been working on re-wiring my brain in much the same way the past year or so. It takes a lot of effort especially at first but it’s really worth it, imo. The greatest advantages I’ve noticed are: less guilt for not reaching my preconceived notion of a good outcome and more joy from taking experiences as they come and not worrying so much about how it’ll all turn out. Thanks for your encouragement to keep trying!
I <3 U. Best post ever!
After a few life-threatening events, I have changed my “when to worry” criteria. Can it kill me? Will anyone get hurt? If not, it’s not a big deal. The end.
I love this post! I am familiar now with having to just “let things fall into place” as I have been laid off twice in the past 2 years. The first time I stressed out completely the whole time I was unemployed and made everybody miserable, and I eventually found a job. The next time I learned I didn’t have to do that, and now I have found what I truly want to do (at the age of 40!). I am going back to school next month to be a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner and am so excited to have finally found my calling in the throws of something so terrible. In the meantime I have done a workshare for a CSA farm and am loving doing farm work too. Even though you may doubt it, saying “What If” and letting things go often brings about the greatest things in life 🙂
Amazing post. I could definitely apply this to my life.
What if… I stop worrying about perfection and just start my blog?
Yes! I needed to hear this so badly. Thank you! What if? What if? That sounds like the single best self motivation mantra ever… Thanks so much 🙂 http://www.healbelly.com
I’m a huge procrastinator, and I’m trying to change up some of my habits so that I will be able to graduate from high school (I’m about a year behind in my schoolwork). I’m also turning 18 in 6 months, taking my first ever driver’s test on Friday, trying to maintain the health of my body, and dealing with peers who have made it very clear that they don’t want anything to do with me unless they can use me. I feel like there is so much pressure on me, and I feel unprepared to become an adult and handle tougher situations when I fail at handling my current situations.
It’s thoughts like yours that remind me to take a deep breath and remember that this is not the end of the world. I can make it through this. I can regain control over my circumstances by changing my perception, reactions, habits, and by extension, my outcomes. By experimenting with the What-If’s in my life, I can make real, lasting changes that come naturally, not by using force: changes that I’m much more likely to develop and maintain.
Also, I read a book just a week ago called ‘The Power of Habit’. It really sounds a LOT like what you’ve written, Betty. It also talks about habits and experimenting with them in order to change the outcomes. It seems really funny that I would read a book and a blog post which are not related to each other in any way, yet they talk about an identical topic. I guess someone’s trying to tell me something, eh? Seriously, though, I would strongly recommend that book to anyone interested in the contents of this blog post, as the book offers a deeper understanding of habits, perception, and experimenting with both in order to affect the outcomes.
What a great post! I’ve always been somewhat of a worrier and it’s something that I constantly work on. I think as I grow older I learn when to let things go and whatever happens, happens. My what if lately is…what if I just stop over analyzing and worrying and have fun with life and let the pieces fall into place? It does make things a lot less stressful.
This is beautiful. It’s like you were in my head and voiced all the things I feel about committing to doing better in various life aspects. “What if” is friendly, non-threatening, and easy on the brain. Thanks for sharing this!
Fantastic post…I love your thought processes. For me, it’s worrying about how my ex and his family perceive me and relay that to my children. What if I just decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they think/speak well of me?
Betty, have been a fan now for quite awhile. I’ve never commented before, but having a few years on you I just want to applaud you for where you’ve gone.in your thinking…bravo!! Also as you make this a “regular” part of your thinking you will find it becomes a part of who you are! Finally there’s hope, because as you age-40,etc,you will find you worry a lot less. It seems to happen with age….smile. Keep up the what if…it’s a great tool!!
Thanks,
Molly
Two thoughts:
First — Yay! This really is a lovely way to mental stress FREEDOM. I heard a version of this years ago referred to as “What is so terrible?”, and I love it. I didn’t use the word “freedom” lightly, because it really does feel like freedom to let go of the anxiety and be ready to accept the consequences of your choices. Like you said, watch and see and at the very least, you’ll have learned something. And that’s a nice big thing to have happen.
Second — your anecdote about your husband. My husband is the one who taught me how to stop arguing and to disagree pleasantly. From our first meeting, he defused every argument by simply refusing to argue. He showed respect for my point of view, and showed clearly that his love for me was more important than winning. Because of his attitude, it’s become such a habit for us to get along, find compromises and use large doses of humor that it would be really weird for us to actually argue. He gets all the credit and I get to revel in sweet peace at home. So I totally agree about not giving up on some “what ifs”. If ornery, sarcastic, cynical me can learn to play nice, anyone can!
Fantastic post. The idea of not being attached to a potential outcome reminded me of the point made in this article:
http://99u.com/articles/7198/How-Goals-and-Good-Intentions-Can-Hold-Us-Back?utm_source=Triggermail&utm_medium=email&utm_term=ALL&utm_campaign=MIH+-+August+12
Being too focused on achieving a particular outcome may ruin the experience along the way.
Love, love, love this. I tend to be overbearing and controlling, but because I care about others and want the best for them. I tend to expect the worst.
I am going to start playing this though and will do my darndest to do it in my most uncomfortable moments….
I love it. I make Very Big Deals habitually and need to put things into perspective. I have been known to ask myself, “in ten years will this actually matter?” If the answer is no, why am i wasting so much brain power on it?!?! Creating drama for drama’s sake is what high school was for. Lol Seriously, I’m bookmarking this and I’m sharing it with whoever will sit down and read it. Who knows, I may actually give myself some breathing room, and get back into hobbies I used to enjoy.
This was a really great post 😉 🙂 It reminded me of a time, quite a few years ago, when I was living/studying abroadin Europe. I was thinking about going home instead of staying for a second year…and it was a real battle in my head…and my German friends, one in particular, said you don’t want to wake up years from now asking “What if…”…It’s better to try it and know then to have questions and wonder about what could have been. so I stayed a second year, and a third…and it was the best time of my life 🙂 🙂 Love and hugs from the ocean shores of California, Heather 🙂
You’ve hit on something important here. From my reading on Jungian theory (I admit it, I love personality tests), I’ve learned about four scales to measure temperment. The fourth scale (and hardest to explain) is called Judging/Perceiving. It’s about how we look at time and decision-making. Judgers view choice as concrete, permenant. They tend to be organized, to-do list, routine kinds of people (and I’m guessing they’re the ones who write all the self-help books!). Us Perceivers simply can’t function that way. For us these things are more fluidic, we are uncomfortable being tied-down. I’ve read we should make May-Do lists instead of To-Do lists, so we have more options etc. Anyway, what you’re recommending here seems like a valuable tool for people like me, for Perceivers (if you like). I like this game. After feeling guilty about my dishes, unmade phonecall, or unused exercise equipment, today I will stop, let go of the guilt, and wonder what if… Thank you!
I too am analytical about everything in my life! I take myself way way way too seriously at times. So…..what if I stop trying to control everything(as if I ACTUALLY had any control in the first place!) and allow those around me to make their own decisions and mistakes and learn from those mistakes? What if I stop being so serious and enjoy myself and the journey? I could actually have some fun!!! Hey, I like this game.
What if I really did use a homemade bathroom cleaner in my tub/shower? If I just stopped procrastinating about it and cleaned the dang thing? This was my thought 24 hours ago. So I did it, and I discovered the “hmmm, those tiles are not actually white, they’re painted to look white, and oh, it’s actually really cheap white paint but that’s ok because I rent anyway” outcome. But, at the same time, I’m not sure it’s ever been cleaner! Pretty simplistic, but hey, no rules, right? Thanks for this reminder. I needed it.
Absolutely love this game. Gonna start playing tomorrow morning.. what if I started waking up earlier than I need to be up…….. I wonder.. 🙂
Thanks for posting!
I love this post, it’s inspiring. Change can be so hard and this approach makes it simple and, this is very important, it makes it ok to try a different way if the first one doesn’t work. I just found your blog and I’ve been reading the archives. I’m really enjoying it.
I really needed to hear this. It’s a fantastic idea and I’m going to start playing right now. Thank you!
what if … i close up this computer and snuggle into a warm bed?
{night, night}
thanks for writing this 🙂
I have just read this post and thought I am so glad you thought ‘what if’ and just posted it! I have had lots of not so good things happen to me lately and started to think ‘I’m giving up’ however after reading the post it has made me think about things differently. I like a simple life, drama free, full of fun and smiles (who doesn’t?) however others can make my life so complicated and unneccessary. There are some people I cannot just ignore. I can’t change others, however I can change myself and the way I see/do things. I will definitely be playing this game 🙂 xxx
Oohh! The possibilities . . .
I’m going to start playing right now.