This is difficult for me to write.
Please understand that, first and foremost.
It brings back old feelings, old hurts, and all kinds of vulnerability, and it scares me, because I’m never sure if my “old friend” will come back for a visit.
I’m going to start somewhere in the middle.
I’ve mentioned a time or two that I used to be a model. I was, with one of the biggest agencies in New York City. I was courted by three agencies, and sadly I think I chose the wrong one in the end.
But that’s neither here nor there, because what I haven’t mentioned is that, in my early 20’s, I was a model. A plus-sized one.
This was back in the days of Mode Magazine and when Lane Bryant was just starting to enter mainstream. It could’ve been lucrative. It could’ve been exciting. Most of all, it could’ve been just what I needed to feel healthy about myself, and share that with other people.
But let’s step back. Where it started.
High School and Hate
Despite my deep, overwhelming desires, I was never sinewy. I was never lithe. I was never skinny. In high school, I was 5’10”, large framed, and 160 pounds. I was in a very healthy weight range, but I towered over my 5’5″, size 4, cheerleading friends.
I hated myself.
And I compounded that hate with plastering pictures of Kate Moss and Christy Turlington all over my bedroom walls. They glared at me in disappointment when I had pizza for dinner. They jutted their hipbones at me tauntingly. Their pouty lips said, “Unless you look like me, you’re disgusting. You’re worthless. You probably shouldn’t even be alive.”
And I listened to them. So I quit eating.
And then I started doing really unthinkable things. I wrapped duct tape as tightly as I could around my waist and hips, just to try to hide any evidence of curves.The tape would tear my skin as I tried to remove it, but I found that I could avoid bleeding if I just retaped immediately. I even went to the homecoming dance like this, but refused to participate because I was afraid a boy would feel the tape beneath my dress.
I’d lay in bed at night, sobbing and praying for cancer. Praying for cancer. Just so I could lose the weight that wouldn’t go any lower after three months of eating ONLY saltines and running three miles a day.
I’m not sure I can give the hurt I felt justice with words. It was gnawing. It was blinding. I lived in fear, constantly, of other people’s words. Of overhearing someone say “chubby” when I walked past.
I lived in constant fear of other people’s words.
I was a freshman when the anorexia started, and then I moved on to bulimia, and then years and years of binging and purging later. This has haunted me my entire post-pubescent life.
I wrote thousands of words in my journal, all addressed to my “friend.” The one friend I could count on. The only one that understood why I hated myself so much. The one that punished me appropriately when someone told me my butt was big. The one that offered the only option when a little skin peeked over the top of my jeans.
The anorexia was my only friend.
For a long time, it was cosmetic; it was about looking like a runway model. But then it became more than that. It was emotional. It was me thinking I was being the best me I could be. Because that’s the only way that women are accepted, isn’t it? No lumps? No bulges? Not natural … not happy … just thin.
Idealism Gets You Nowhere in Fashion
I say with all sorts of humbleness, but I was blessed with a relatively striking face. In my distorted physical view, it was the only thing I had going for me. Ever.
But somewhere around the time I started talking to agencies, I decided I wanted to champion healthy body image for teenage girls everywhere. I wanted to try to be okay with who I was, how I was. And I wanted to give that to other people.
When I chose to sign with an agency and move to NYC, it was with one goal in mind: To become famous enough to travel to high schools and give girls of all sizes love for themselves.
What I didn’t plan on was the backlash that plus-sized models got.
In my agency division alone, there were “plus-sized” models ranging from size 8 to size 18, with mostly the size 8 to 12 girls getting work. These were beautiful women. Gorgeous. Breathtaking and real. But not plus-sized.
I was a size 12.
But it wasn’t enough. I’d sit in our little office, tolerating the abuse my agent loved to give on a regular basis, and watching the straight-sized models breeze in and out of the main office. They were always off to their $20K gigs, cigarette in one hand and a Louis Vuitton full of disdain in the other, not even glancing into our windowed cul-de-sac.
All the while, my agent would look at my fingernails and declare them a disaster area, insisting that she wouldn’t send me out on go-sees unless I got a manicure that day. Then, she’d take my measurements, look at me disapprovingly, and tell me that it was no surprise why I wasn’t booking any jobs yet. If I didn’t shave 2 inches off my waist, I could consider myself done in fashion. And when I lost the 2 inches? There was another surprise 2 inches to go.
The world I thought would give me love, would help me love myself, only brought more pain, more anguish, and more starvation.
“Real-sized” models, right? They’re supposed to inspire. They’re supposed to encourage tolerance.
Instead, they were the butt of jokes, even as some of them tortured themselves to be beautiful.
Haunting and Beauty
I wish there was some kind of grand resolution to my body image issues. To be fair, I’m happier about the way I look now–even though I’m not as thin as I was when I was modeling–than I’ve ever been.
But that’s only because I don’t think about it as often. I don’t dwell on the size of my butt. I don’t spend hours flipping through catalogs and dreaming about what I’d look like if I could only fit into that strappy, slinky black dress.
I focus on healthy now. Happy. Peace. Acceptance.
There are still moments, though … moments when someone will grab me around the waist and pinch into a little pudge and my heart stops and I have to hold back tears. There are times when I’ll stand next to a petite friend and wish I had the courage to bring my “old friend” anorexia back. Because at least it was something, right?
I eat healthy foods, though. Very healthy. I walk every day. I don’t exercise as much as I should, but I exercise enough to know I’m not a lazy lump of blah.
I come from hearty, German stock – and what I am now? It’s what I’m supposed to be.
But it all haunts me. I always wonder what my life would have been like if I’d have been born thin. Kinda messed up, isn’t it?
This All Has Something to Do With You
I read a lot of blogs. I pay attention to everything I possibly can on Twitter. I look at your words. And I am very, very sensitive to your negative self-talk.
Every time you say that you’re not going to show a picture because you have a double chin, it hurts. It hurts me. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t show myself, either.
And if it does that to me, ladies, how many other people do your negative perceptions of yourselves impact?
How do you think it might affect your daughters? Or your friends’ daughters? Or the girl who’s sitting next to you, thinking you’re beautiful and perfect until you start talking about your thighs?
I’m not saying that you should squelch your negative feelings deep inside only so you don’t hurt other people with them.
No. I’m asking you to be conscious of those moments–really feel those moments when you feel less than worthy because of your size or because of your nose or because of whatever physical quirk you think everyone’s staring at.
I’m asking you to feel them, then remember how beautiful you really are.
But, moreover, please know that people are here – in this world of 0s and 1s – who love you just the way you are.
Who look forward to your words and your pictures and you. All of you.
I’m so, so, so inspired by you strong women who are just out there–good or bad, bed-headed or fancy, in a designer dress or a ripped T-shirt.
You inspire me when you do that. You inspire us all.
What I Hope For All Of Us
I’m hoping you read this and felt one of two things: Either you related, on some level, to the pain of feeling not good enough, not beautiful enough to count …
Or you were a little put off by the fact that someone like me could be so narcissistic and self-centered that I’d think I wasn’t worthy of life because of my dress size.
Either way, know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this. Know that there are thousands and thousands of girls–right now–who feel these things. Know they can’t see past their pain, past the comparisons with Natalie Portman or Paris Hilton, past the way our society equates thinness with beauty. Thinness with worth.
The next time you see a teenage girl, say something nice to her, okay? Tell her that her smile is infectious. That her beauty radiates from within. That she’s perfect for who she is, and that she shouldn’t ever change just to try to fit in.
And then find a mirror and tell the same thing to yourself.
I promise I’ll do that, too.
Promise.
Nutmeg Microdermabrasion and Exfoliator
There’s a book I think you should read. I just picked it up from the library to read for a second time. It speaks to these exact issues, and I swear, when I read it, I feel like I’m reading my soul in those words. It’s called “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul”. I cried through the whole thing last time, because I felt as if I was being reminded of who I am, in a hundred ways I’d forgotten. This is the book for you, I promise.
I worry, a lot, about this stuff, raising a daughter. Once when she was about six she told me she hated her fat cheeks 🙁 I almost died right then. I try not to put myself down around her, or at all, but I think I’m just avoiding it, and not really putting forth a positive example of just loving myself. Or maybe acknowledging that I struggle with loving myself because of what society tells me about how I look (I’m too fat and therefore a lazy overeating whale not worthy of society’s acceptance, right?). It’s really hard to model positivity when you’re still very much a work-in-progress. I worry about things she learns from things outside our home, and thinks she sees other people in her life doing, someone who will eat a piece of cake and say, “this is going to go right to my thighs,” or “I’m going to be naughty and eat this cake,” or “I’m going to have to run twenty miles after this dinner!” I want so much for her to love herself the way I do, see herself the way I see her.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It touched my heart. How truly sad that a size 12 is considered ‘plus size’! That’s incredible. Wasn’t Marilyn Monroe a size 14? Geez….how times have changed.
What an amazingly touching story. And your ability to open yourself to the world like this is truly inspiring. I totally know what you mean about how fashion and agents treat plus sized models. I am a makeup artist and I did several shoots for Mode Magazine during its day. I remember bringing the tear sheets back to my agency, excited to put them in my portfolio next to my tears from Elle and Harper’s Bazaar. My agent chuckled and said I couldn’t. I asked why. He said because it’s not useful to put pictures of fat models in my book. I was shocked.
But sadly enough, I didn’t say anything. I felt frustrated that I had perfectly good tear sheets with pretty models and I couldn’t use them. I did lots of catalog shoots with plus models and became friends with many. They told me similar stories to yours. And most of them had to have part time jobs to survive, while the skinny girls could barely keep up with their bookings. We live in an unfair world.
Wow. Thank you for sharing, Todra. Funny thing – your story brought me RIGHT back there. It was such an exciting time, until the reality started sinking in. After I left NYC, I did a lot of catalog stuff in Kansas City. That was MUCH more fun. The photographers were super nice, my agency was VERY supportive and encouraging, and I made great friends with a few makeup artists there, too!
I visited your site, as well. LOVE what you’re doing there! Can’t wait to see updates (and videos)!
Thanks so much. I love your site, too. Been poking around reading stuff. Your writing is really nice. It’s hard for me sometimes with blog reading because the writing is…um, not so great. You’re really engaging. I’ll check in often.
I’ve been trying really hard to be more healthy in mind and in body, I think I’m in a better place even though I’m the most overweight I’ve been. I’m not happy but I don’t beat myself up all day long like I used to and I don’t go to bed crying about what I ate that day. I figure, that’s good progress.
Wow. I can so relate, but on a different level.
First, you are YOU. Big, small, short, tall. We are ALL irreplaceable in God’s eyes. I’m glad to hear you are growing past your body image heart aches. I know this was painful to write. ****hugs!****
I hate hate hate the false sense of what a woman should be and look like that we are surrounded with every day. I hate hate hate that even though I say I don’t care that I have “thunder thighs” I really do care. I hate hate hate that my two daughters are growing up in an age where they will surely face more complications that our generation faced with regards to beauty.
I am 5’2″. In high school, I too lived with my “friend” because I was scared I would balloon if I ate. I lived on Diet Coke (hello, cancer). I was a walking stick (but, still with thunder thighs!). A little weight on my small frame was alot. I played sports in jr and high, but stopped my junior year of HS. I wasn’t gaining anything but was terrified that I would.
I look back at pics and wonder where in the world my parents were through all of it. I was naaaaasty.
I am about 30 ell bees heavier now, 20 yrs later. My thunder thighs have gotten me over the finish line in 6 marathons and ultra marathons. My thunder thighs have helped me pedal 180 miles over a two day period, several years in a row. I have learned (and am still learning) to embrace what God gave me.
I am trying to teach my girls health instead of “thin” is sexy. That a woman can be strong and sexy. That there are no foods off limits, as long as the majority of our diets consists of fruits, veggies and healthy proteins.
I applaud you for writing this post. Thank you. Thank you for helping me remember that being the best mom I can be means teaching my kids to love themselves, just the way they are. Just the way they were created. I have a freckle faced, strawberry blonde curly wirly girl who used to hate her locks. I told her often of how special and unusual her features are, but prolly haven’t mentioned it lately. I can’t wait for her to come home from school today so I can remind her how beautiful she is!!!
I think this was one of your best posts yet! It inspired me to photograph my double chin and share it with the world.
I have nothing left to say. You’ve said it all. Beautifully. It can’t be topped.
XO,
Kim
http://www.confabulicious.com
I love your vulnerability, it shines light on a secret and helps others do the same. I live for the day when we women DON’T bond with mutual body snarking and every conversation like this brings the day closer 🙂
Incredible post. I am currently trying to lose weight and that is the story of my life. NEVER happy with where i am with my weight. Hate it.And I have an almost 12 year old and I try to always make her celebrate her beautiful, althletic body. She is not a twig, she is really beautifully shaped with muscle but she sees
lots of twigs girls and it gets to her. I totally understand because she has the body I had. I am also a teacher and I tell all of my girls and boys that they are wonderfully amazing in many ways. I make a point to tell them about their strengths and to remind that we are all different and not one type is any better than another.
This was really a fantastic post! Thanks for sharing with us!!!
This is a great post on so many levels. At the end of the day, It’s just a shell. It’s what’s on the inside that counts…
This brought tears to my eyes. I’m very insecure about my looks. Not necessarily my weight – I was freakishly thin, actually when I was young. But I’m not what you would call “classically pretty”. I think every girl who has insecurities about their physicality has made comments that they shouldn’t. I know I have. And you’re right; you always need to pay attention to who is listening. I have two small daughters and I need to remember to show them I’m confident in me no matter if I need to lose weight (which, now I do), or I don’t like my nose or my hair or whatever. Thank you for sharing. I have a friend who also went to NYC to be famous – as a Rockette. She is bulimic and finally reached out for help. She’s now a counselor for people with eating disorders. Her blog is called “Life with Cake” http://lifewithcakeblog.blogspot.com/
WOW!
Thank you for writing this.
I am just getting past my body issues, and not a moment too soon, I have two little girls to raise and remind them that they are beautiful every day!
Thanks for coming by my little home on the web as well. It means a lot to know that I’m just not shouting into the void!
What a beautiful post. Thank you for that.
I’m thinner now than I’ve ever been in my life, but it’s all due to some truly terrible stressors in my life. I’m finding it really fascinating to see the range of reactions to my current size – everything from “you need to eat a burger and fries” to “you look amazing!” Ironically, most of the “you need to eat” comments are coming from men, while the “you look amazing” comments are coming from women. Warped perceptions, eh?
This is such an awesome post. Searing, and thought-provoking.
You are telling this story, which we hear a lot, in such a different way. I love that you pull your audience in at the end: when we say negative things about ourselves, it hurts you. I never thought of it that way, but you’re so absolutely right.
I am trying to approach my own flaws, over which I obsess and let get me down, more with a sense of humor than anything. I’m over 40 and unfortunately, time is a very strong opponent, I’m finding. He cannot be vanquished. We do our best to be healthy and who we are meant to be, and beyond that, we must just embrace. But that is never an easy task.
I do have a daughter, and at age 5, I already see her struggling with self esteem, and focusing on appearances, and I wonder, how did this happen? Have I not been mindful enough of keeping my own self doubt to myself? Is she just wired that way? it is scary.
Amazing post. Those words are so inadequate, but they are absolutely true. I have struggled with body image my entire life. Even when I was 110 lbs, I hated my body. I have a 3 year old daughter and it is my goal in life to instill in her a positive self-image. I hope I can help her to understand that beauty is not a size, even as I struggle with believing it myself.
Well, y’know, I think the first step to instilling it in your daughter is being VERY gentle and loving with yourself. My mother was always pretty thin when I was young, but I heard a lot of “Ugh, I’m gaining weight, have to stop eating” growing up. And I have no doubt that just compounded my belief that it was the only way I was going to be beautiful, too. (Especially since she was already so thin … I didn’t even know HOW to measure up.)
We’re so lucky that we have this – this way to share thoughts and feelings – so we make different choices that hopefully don’t lead to things like anorexia and bulimia in our daughters.
Beauty is not a size. It isn’t. Throughout history, women have been adored for all their different sizes. We’re in a time now – us women – where we can bring all that together into one giant acceptance of ALL sizes at once.
We just have to start with ourselves first.
Not an easy task, but we’re SO up to it. I mean, we’ve got each other!
Big, giant love.
What a beautiful, honest post. Learning to accept myself as beautiful no matter my size has been a huge struggle for me all my life. I also have had serious skin issues throughout my life (severe eczema and occasional infections) which just reinforced my belief that I was unattractive and would never be loved as a beautiful woman. It took a long time to accept myself, and then to learn how to accept love and appreciation for my physical self, in a healthy relationship. It’s still a challenge. This past year I’ve been recovering from a serious skin issue that was treated with prednisone. The steroids caused me to gain a lot of weight and now I have stretch marks on my arms and legs. Trying to accept that I am beautiful and lovable in the midst of it all is so hard. I’m grateful for a wonderful husband who encourages me, and my faith in God, that He sees me as the beautiful perfect woman He designed me to be.
That’s so tough … having medically-induced weight gain. On one hand, you’re doing what you need to do to get healthy. On the other, you’re doing something that only makes you feel worse about yourself. It’s such a trade-off.
It sounds like you understand, though, that it ALL comes from within. And just because you understand it doesn’t mean you can automatically believe it. But you’re making a great start.
And here? Here you always have love and acceptance, too.
Thank you so much, lovely lady. So much just for being here, joining in, and making this one of the best things I’ve ever done on this blog. Ever.
What a fantastic blog! Thank you so much for sharing!!
And thank YOU for reading. It was a tough thing to talk about, but gosh-darned it, I’m so glad I did.
Big love!
“Every time you say that you’re not going to show a picture because you have a double chin, it hurts. It hurts me. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t show myself, either.”
Great point, beautifully said. By indulging in our own body-hate, we’re condoning it in others, especially in those most impressionable, young women.
We SO are! And I know we think we’re just joking around, or bonding in some really weird way, but I just keep thinking about Thumper from Bambi “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
And, I mean, I’m not saying that’s how the world works or even could work, but maybe if we JUST applied that rule to ourselves first? Maybe things would be better than we could even imagine.
Thanks for your comment, lady. (And for helping me talk myself through that Thumper thing).
Thank you.
For explaining how important a few words can be, but most of all for this:
“But then it became more than that. It was emotional. It was me thinking I was being the best me I could be.”
Odd little thing out of a very beautiful post, but it hit home for me – I’ve been trying to reconcile enjoying discovering how much I am capable of and not being good enough. Thanks to all of that, it’s easy for body image issues to be masked with the pretense of just trying to be the best I can. So, thank you for the needed reminder and to look underneath the first reason, to make sure it’s the REAL one, when it comes to body image things, just like I have to for everything else. Thank you. <3
Ah, it’s so true! And that REALLY uncovers another big question about what we do to (masquerading as for) ourselves in the name of health and beauty.
Ultimately, I think if we’re doing things that don’t contribute to our sense of peace or joy – or that don’t help expand our consciousness – we’re doing ourselves a HUGE disservice.
That could be exercising WAY too much, lamenting over the size of our hips, or eating broccoli if we really hate the way broccoli tastes.
This blogging thing – it sure has a way of helping you figure things out, yeah? Only, as soon as you get one thing figured out, you get 20 new questions. A roller coaster, to be sure.
Thank you for your comment – and for bringing up 20 new questions in my head. (Hee.)
Mwah!
I can’t even begin to tell you how powerful this is. I can just feel your pain and torture when you described suffering through anorexia. I love that you are recovered and sending such a wonderful and uplifting message into the world.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Oh my gosh. It’s SO interesting – your blog post from today. I spent the better part of this afternoon reading all the comments and blog replies to that horrid Marie Claire article.
I’m headed off to read your post – but before I do, THANK YOU for your lovely, lovely comment.
It’s one of the ones that brought me, quite unexpectedly, to tears.
Someone mentioned this post on Twitter and I am moved beyond words. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for visiting, and for your comment.
This has been such an eye-opening experience for me. I hope to find the courage to write more about it in the future.
Big love!
Oh girl.
I didn’t think I could love you more.
But now I do.
So strong. So beautiful.
xoxox
Thank you, my dear. This helps explain my neuroses, though, right? A little bit? Heh.
Mwah! (As always.)
As someone who has been weight-conscious and has had (still has?) that negative inner voice telling me all the reasons I’m not good enough, this was an incredibly powerful and moving post. Your honesty and bravery to be completely vulnerable has touched more people than you can know.
So thank you. Thank you for sharing.
And thank YOU for your comment.
When you’re ready (and I mean, really ready … it took me three months to get the courage up to post this), you should write about it and put it on your blog.
This has absolutely been the most freeing thing I’ve done here. Probably the most freeing thing I’ve ever done for my own sense of self worth.
If you do, invite me over, okay? I would LOVE to support you.
Big love!
Who would have ever known. You are always so cheery and humorous. Your struggles are not uncommon sadly. However, you appeared to have risen above it all.
This post initially caught my eye because you see I’m a native New Yorker (still here). I never expected to read what I just read. I could totally related because I was the opposite with similar feelings. Always very skinny and got teased for it.
You see back when I was growing up, thin was NOT in. People made fun of me and called me Ethiopian and the girl who part of the itty bitty tity committee (don’t laff).
Fast forward to now, I’m no where near thin and it’s now In. What the h….? I sometimes wish I could go back to those days of being thin but what you have made me realize through your post is that it doesn’t matter how you look as it matters how much you are able to embrace and be comfortable with who you are.
Michelle 🙂
You’re so right, Michelle. We could follow trends or try to be beautiful for whatever phantom judge of beauty is out there, but it’s just chasing a ghost, really. “Ins” come and go – whether it’s thick or thin, bobs or shags, the color pink or the color purple.
But if we’re true to ourselves – if we have that unshakable core that KNOWS we’re worthy – we’re golden.
On one hand, I like to think the being “different” only makes us stronger. On the other, I think that’s the kind of lesson we can probably learn in other ways that aren’t so hurtful. Don’t you think?
Either way, YOU are gorgeous.
And that beauty? Man, that’s ALWAYS in.
Awww thank you crunchy 🙂 You touch my heart with that. It’s so good to meet some (if even virtually) who has such a multifaceted persona 🙂
Love this. You are beautiful in and out and I know that after only reading one of your posts!
I am stumbling this and tweeting about it too. Oh, and I’m your newest follower!
Powerful stuff and yes, I promise the next teen I see, I will make feel feel great about themselves.
Hey, new crunchy! Thanks so much for your comment here. This was one of the toughest things I’ve done so far in my short bloggy lifetime. I’m just overwhelmed that it touched so many people … and especially that we were all so supportive of each other and other women – of ALL sizes.
Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here!
This post made me cry. Partially because I’ve had friends with eating disorders, partially because I’ve made myself feel sick with the laxatives and partially because someone I love is made to feel like shit about their weight by thier own parents. I think it was very brave of you to write it. I don’t think you are narcissistic or self centred, eating disorders are never that simple. I hate how normalised it is to hate one’s body. Looks fade and then we are just left with ourselves. I think this issue should be discussed in terms of how negative self talk not just the media encourages envalulating oneself by weight. Also, you are amazing for reaching a point where you eat healthy foods, that takes strength.
Thank you, dearest. You know, it’s impossible to really know what other people are going through – but your friends are so, so lucky to have you.
I feel like the biggest problem is that the media (and the governments) have set these standards of “overweight,” with “overweight” meaning “unhealthy.” And there’s no room for individual body types, metabolisms, or constitutions. It’s a one-size-fits-all approach to something that’s VERY personal.
Quite coincidentally, I started reading all the replies to a horrid article at Marie Claire from yesterday (dealing with size issues, only taking the absolute opposite approach than mine) and was SO delighted to see how many people who fall into the overweight category standing up and saying that they run marathons, or own a dance studio, or cross-country ski and hike on a weekly basis.
It just goes to show that this predetermined (by society) healthy size isn’t the only healthy size at all.
And, of course, in the end, it’s ALL about being happy and authentic and comfortable with yourself.
Everything else is just gravy.
Exactly. And besides if you execrise why the hell can’t you enjoy a slice of cake? I also don’t like how curvy has become a euphemism for fat. Because some people are curvy and some could eat a bucket of fried chicken every day but still remain rather slim. The world will not end if someone else isn’t skinny. I think the media contributes (it is a good thing how photoshop is becoming more acknowledged) but I also think that we are the ones that buy into it. Also, we are the ones who discuss hating our bodies in front of children.
I also feel it reduces a women and her achievements down to a dress size. Like I’d rather been known for something other than my firgure. That said, holding up a phyiscal ideal that can injure a women doesn’t seem too new, I just think of corsets squishing organs.
Just read that article. Love how the writer doesn’t seem to realise that some people are fat for health reasons beyond their control.
This was wonderful. I don’t think I know one woman who doesn’t have/hasn’t had body issues. Not one. What a terribly sad and ridiculous truth. I look back at pictures of me as a young mom. At the time, I genuinely thought I was dreadfully fat. I had three babies in 18 months (a single birth and then twins), and my belly was definitely now what it had been, but I was fine. I just didn’t know it then.
I own a daycare and I make a point of sending the kids positive messages about themselves–about their strength, their kindness, their brilliance, and their beauty. When I tickle them, I say, “I love your beautiful belly.”
Thanks for the reminder to be as gentle with myself.
Oh my gosh. I know what you mean about looking back at pictures and being appalled at the way you were hard on yourself. My high school pictures, especially, I’m like, “GOOD GRAVY, I was hot! Why on EARTH did I think these things?”
And, y’know, 15 years from now you’re going to look back at pictures of yourself from now and think the same thing.
Ultimately, it’s about enjoying the moments your in, and it’s absolutely impossible to do that if you’re focused on your own appearance – at least to the degree we’re talking about here.
And thank you (!!!) for sending those messages to your daycare children. I was reading a comment elsewhere today by a woman who said three 4-year-olds called her daughter fat a number of times at daycare. The girl, who’s now 7, is already in counseling, dealing with eating disorders. Heartbreaking.
I’m so glad your kids have you to help them in these critical, early-self-awareness years.
Wow! I woke up feeling one way and headed to the shower feeling something different and a bit more enlightened. Sometimes, we need to be reminded of who we are, and to accept ourselves and our body image. Love ourself, every tiny, not-so-tiny, beutiful, or imperfect part of ourself!
Thanks for sharing and bringing me back to reality.
Yay! I’m glad I could contribute to an enlightened shower.
I don’t think I ever understood – until this moment – how important it is for us to ALL tell our stories authentically and with raw, scary honesty. We’re so afraid of ridicule that we bottle all this stuff in. But when we share, we learn that there are SO many others out there that feel the same – or even a fraction of the same.
Thanks for joining in here and leaving your love. It’s one more mark in the department of TRUE acceptance and a deeper understanding of our own beauty.
Big love!
I could relate to what you said on many levels. Culture plays such a strong role in how we view ourselves. As an African-American woman, it is attractive to have curves. Hips, butt and breasts are the desire of men and I was the complete opposite. It is silly how we constantly try to fit into an illusion. I’m pretty happy with my body now, it is those people hung up on nonsense that have to get a grip when they look at me. I pray that your soul is free today because you allowed it breath.
By the way, the sexiest woman today (in my humble opinion), is Christina Hendricks- She plays Joan Harris on Mad Men. She is ‘plus’ size, and works it!
Blessings
I’m SO glad you brought up Christina Hendricks. She’s one of the few “plus-sizers” that really gets true respect. For a while, I was happy that Jennifer Lopez was considered sexy, until I really started looking at how NOT “substantial” she was. It was less of a boon for women of size and more a boon for women with REALLY small waists and larger behinds (like Kim Kardashian).
I only hope that the ever-increasing variety of women in entertainment means more acceptance by society for women of all sizes.
But I think it starts with us, y’know? We have to accept each other first, and then we ALL need to not tolerate the ridicule that women of size endure (whether they’re a size 12 or a size 22).
Thank you for your insightful comment. This whole discussion is sincerely the best thing that’s happened to me in years.
Mwah!
I am so glad I found your blog. Besides being a whore for all things natural, I can really relate to this. I was never a model, but a dear friend was and said it was horrible. It made her feel worthless and ugly (and she is the most gorgeous person on earth, for real). Also, I had a severe eating disorder on and off for a looooong time and I know what a bitch that is. No more needs to be said, we understand each other by nature.
Haha. We DO understand each other already. Being a model definitely isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You’re wanted for all the wrong reasons, and despised for all the wrong reasons, and ultimately you just end up losing a part of your soul, because you’re so focused on the outside.
I miss Long Island. Next time I’m there, we should do lunch. Or martinis.
That would be lovely! Im not sure I have ever had a proper martini, which is weird living here. I guess I do wine or diet coke and vodka most
This is beautiful. You have bared your soul.
I promise to think & say kind things to myself & others.
Thank you, lovely, lovely lady.
You, though – you seem to have so much love already. For yourself AND for others. You’re an inspiration, truly.
Mwah!
Wow, you literally took my breath away just now. Thank you for sharing this with us, and reminding us that people are listening, our girls are listening….I am guilty of the negative talk, too, usually thinking it’s just funny.
It’s not always funny, as you have so wonderfully pointed out.
Wow.
Well, they say there’s a bit of truth to every joke. And, sadly, I think girls with body image issues pick up on that truth WAY more aptly than most people.
It really wasn’t until I started paying attention to what some of my favorite bloggers were saying about themselves that I realized just how easily affected I was (and girls could be) by negative body talk.
It may not solve everything, but if our girls know we love ourselves, they’ll feel so much more comfortable loving THEMSELVES.
All this talk REALLY makes me want to have a daughter now, so I can help her have all this confidence and love.
You’re so lucky.
(And so is she.)
Thank you for writing this post. I feel like everything I would want to say here has already been said, but that in itself is so great… it means I’m not alone, we’re not alone. That’s SO powerful. Thank you again for baring your innermost self in such a selfless way. I’m glad your life has finally brought you to this place. You’re finally able to do what you had hoped to do but now you can reach even more people with your message.
Magazines, TV, and catalogs are all about appearance and illusion, and that’s so dangerous for a woman/girl’s self esteem. None of it is real! Physical imperfections are simply Photoshopped out. Heck, the models we are meant to emulate don’t even look like their own magazine photos!
You are so right… we need to love and celebrate ourselves and each other for who we are instead of lamenting what we’re not. (I promise too)
Yes! Yes! And look at you – you had SO much else to share that wasn’t covered already.
And, y’know, it wasn’t until I hit publish on this post that I realized I could actually make a difference this way. It’s really, really gratifying – knowing I’m not being dependent on girdles and layers of makeup and all sorts of smoke and illusions to get there. Here, we just get to be us.
And you know what? Who we are is enough! We don’t need more, more, more (or less, less, less if you’re talking about dress sizes). We just need this – the sharing and understanding. Gah, this has been such a great day.
And, as always, you’ve touched me like you always do. I don’t know, Stephanie. You’re like a warm blanket. You really are.
Love you.
Promise!
Thank you so much for sharing. When you share you bring light to the darkness, and that drives away the shadows. I tip my hat, madam!
Aw. What a great quote to remember! This was a REALLY scary thing to do, but your little quote right there? It made it all make sense. It really showed me that sharing these scary things diminishes them exponentially.
Thank you, lady. As always.
Mwah!
Okay, I admit it… I’m petite, and I’m pretty vain about it. But I still pinch my thighs and wish they were just a bit smaller, and look in the mirror and wish my stomach had just a bit less of a pooch, and step on the scale and wish I would lose those few pounds I gained last year. Or I’ll put on a bra and wish I were just one cup size bigger, put on make up and wish my eyes weren’t quite so small, shave my armpits and wish I didn’t have quite so much body hair. I’ve become so much more comfortable with my body since my high-school years (I suspect those are pretty miserable for everyone), but I still catch myself wishing my body were something it’s not.
What kills me even more is seeing my two tall, beautiful, buxom best friends call themselves fat and compare themselves to me, wishing they weighed what I did–regardless of the fact that they’re both a good 3 or so inches taller than me and have all the curves I wish I had. So don’t you ever stand next to that petite friend and think you’re not good enough. If she knew what you were thinking, it would hurt her just as much as you.
Coming to love our bodies, no matter what size, is definitely something we all struggle with. Thanks for sharing your struggles so openly. You are a gorgeous, gorgeous woman, inside and out.
It’s so odd, isn’t it? The way we do those annoying little things to ourselves, when it could be so wonderful and freeing to just love and accept ourselves the way we are?
Thank you so much for your perspective. It’s unfortunate how often my petite friends have told me how ridiculous I’m being when I refuse to wear anything but a big sweater and jeans to hide. How often they’ve repeated that if I could just see myself the way they see me, I’d be mortified at my own thoughts.
It’s just so hard to believe someone else’s eyes, when yours are seeing something you genuinely dislike.
This, today, your comment … it’s helped me realize that all that really matters is confidence and trust in the ones who love you.
I wish everyone could have a blog, so that every time they felt badly or less than they could write a post and get all the support I’ve gotten today.
If everyone could have this, all the time, the world would be SUCH a better place.
(Thanks for making mine a better place today.)
What a powerful and beautiful post.
I always knew that when I had a daughter it would be important to help her form a healthy body image and I am working to do that. But once we had a boy, I realized that it’s so important for us all to teach our sons to respect women as people, not objects.
Thank you for putting your experience into words and sharing them with us…I am better for having read this.
Oh, woman. If there was an award to give out for best comment ever, you would get it right now.
In fact, I’m seriously printing this out and putting it on my wall. Us bloggers, I think that’s our holy grail. Someone saying, “I’m better for having read this.”
In any case, I absolutely agree with you about the importance of teaching the boys, too. It’s so unfortunate that the age where boys are the cruelest is also the age where girls are the most sensitive.
And as parents, we can definitely help break the cycle. For both sons and daughters.
Your kids are SO lucky to have you as a mother.
Ginormous love, missy. Big and huge.
This post is wonderful – and such a fantastic reminder that beauty is not 5’8, 115 lbs and blonde. That’s why I love the Dove campaign so much.
I just liked this on Stumble Upon and I’m tweeting it next 😉
Thank you, Natalie. For the comment and the social love.
I’ve found myself watching the Dove commercials/videos online a lot lately, too. It would be so nice to see some of the fashion houses follow suit.
But, y’know, I really honestly think it’s unstoppable now – real acceptance of the physicality of women in all forms. This internet thing … it’s huge. And we’re powerful in numbers.
And the more we support each other, the more confidence we have. And the more confidence we have, the more we can instill it in our daughters.
Oh Betty,
Our society has placed such an unbearable amount of scrutiny on its women. And it causes so much pain, pain so few women can find words to describe, but you. You put our pain into words…beautiful words from a beautiful women. I think at some point we all self loathe. Mine is quite dumb but since you shared I will too.
I have found balance with being 5’5″ at 165 lbs but the thing I most envy of others is a uniqueness. I know Im beautiful in so many ways but the fact is I feel average. I wish I had some striking physical element about me that would render me unforgettable. I dont feel ugly I just dont feel special.
Aw, sweetie. Here’s the rub: You’re as special as you believe you are. That’s one thing I’ve learned and take to heart every day.
I watch the hippie women walk around here – no makeup, dirty hair, no shoes, and no particular physical feature that stands out – and they just radiate this unearthly confidence. This thing that comes from within that’s gorgeous and absolutely original.
You just need to dig deep and find your confidence. That’s where it all stems from.
But it has to come from you, y’know? Looking for justification or attention from other people only negates it.
And, for what it’s worth, I think you’re absolutely uniquely beautiful. Believe it, girl. You’ve got something special.
I promise. Thank you for sharing this story. I’m sure it was hard for you to write. This is why you are an inspiration and a good role model. You take the time to share things that aren’t so easy to share, and it makes people who are going through the icky-ness of self criticism feel not so alone. When I work up to bathing suit season and I am at the beach I watch the other larger women in their 2 peice bikinis and I think to myself “if she can do it then I can do it” I don’t judge them for their curves, I admire them for their confidence.
Sarah, your comment really made me think a lot about how I look at other women, too. And it made me realize that I’m unfortunately guilty of occasionally going “jeez” to questionable attire … or, even worse, “She’s WAY too skinny” to women I should be supportive of no matter what. Because we ARE all in this together.
THANK YOU for sharing your open-minded goodness here. It helped me! It changed my perspective even more and made me realize those momentary reactions? They weren’t about the other women. They were about my own issues.
I owe you one, girlie.
What a heart-wrenching post! You are wonderful!! And so beautiful. I loved your sense of humor and smile since I started reading a few months ago. I am so glad that you are an advocate for women–I am actually a “lurker” on your site. I was a very thin girl/woman until about 8 years ago. I’m in my early 40’s now and and age coupled with gaining weight really destroyed my confidence–man, people ARE mean about weight! I’m fighting back eating healthier (organic) and while I haven’t lost a much weight, I am feeling better and I tell my daughters about all your tips! We have all been putting food on our faces:)
Thank you for telling your story. I pray my daughters will not have to put up with such stress about body image!
Oh, thank you for unlurking! Thank you for your thoughts!
Your comment was one of the many that made me cry when I read them. This is honestly beyond my comprehension – women being so, so, so supportive of one another. Like this. You know?
I will say that going organic actually resulted in a good bit of weight loss for me, but not until I started eating only grass-fed beef and drinking as raw of organic milk as I could get, etc. It definitely seemed that giving up the chemicals as much as possible did good things for me. Now, I may not be skinny, but I feel SO healthy. And that’s what counts, right?
I’m also so very happy to know you and your daughters have been putting food on your faces! A few other mothers have mentioned doing that, and I’m working diligently to try to put together a mother/daughter spa night blog post … I just need someone to stand in as my daughter!
Thanks again for your comment. All kinds of love to you!
Thanks for sharing. This is why you ROCK — you are a REAL woman! We need more real women to share their stories – I truly believe we can all learn so much from each other. I think everyone can relate to your powerful story in one way or another. You are an inspiration in more ways than one — and you ARE championing a healthy lifestyle just like you wanted to when you started modeling — but even better, you are reaching a much wider audience than just teenage girls on this blog!
It’s so true!
And you know, that aspect of this blog didn’t even occur to me until after I hit post. I just knew I had to share – I had to. It was blocking me … keeping me from moving forward in SO many ways.
It’s amazing what taking a HUGE risk (and doing something REALLY scary) can do for your perspective.
We should all remember that the next time we’re feeling like we can’t do something because it might hurt us emotionally.
With great risk comes great reward, right?
Big love!
Honestly my first reaction to this is “5’10” and 160lbs? LUCKY” Which is precisely the problem isn’t it?
Thank you for your story.
And yes, I will try to feel that love and self acceptance. I have a daughter now and I know that’s what I would want for her.
It IS the problem. I mean, I can see it now, from age and perspective, that even though I weighed myself every 6 hours and would fall apart over the tiniest nick in the upward department, the number didn’t really matter.
No doubt there were girls in my high school who were 110 pounds doing the exact same thing.
The number never matters. What we believe about ourselves? What we radiate to other people? That’s the important stuff.
Mwah!
This is exactly what I needed to read! It brought tears to my eyes. I have been blessed with a husband who tells me every day that I’m beautiful, and yet I only see flaws when I look at myself in the mirror. I know that this is something that I need to work on as it makes my husband very upset and I know I do not want to pass this onto my future children. I hate it, too, I cringe whenever I hear myself pointing out some flaw of mine to my husband, it’s not the kind of person I want to be. It’s because I always compare myself to others, and as you have pointed out that is a very dangerous thing to do! Thank you for this honest post, it is so touching and inspiring and I for one will certainly be making an effort to be kinder to myself and to be happy with who I am. : )
Isn’t that the oddest thing? All of my boyfriends (my Fiance included) have been nothing but completely complimentary to me, and have loved me for ME. Yet, it didn’t matter to me. I was still imperfect (to myself) and was going to feel bad no matter what, until I believed differently.
We’re so lucky to have them, though, you know? Maybe if we tried seeing ourselves through their eyes, instead of the eyes of some perceived judgmental person (i.e. us) … maybe we’d love ourselves more.
So glad you came by to read, and shared your thoughts. The BEST way to get over this (I think I’ve learned today) is to share and share and be supportive as much as we can.
So big love to you. Always!
Love this post, thanks for sharing, even if it was hard. We all need to hear these things once in awhile, because more than likely, everyone has the same feelings at some point in their life. I keep comin’ back for a reason, excellent post.
Sarah M
Thank you, Sarah. It was very, very hard. But I learned so much from it. The more you share, the easier it is to let go of things that you think are immutable, untouchable … and will always be a part of you.
I’m just so lucky to have all you guys here to give encouragement. And, hopefully all this encouragement will be seen by others who need it, too.
So moving and beautiful, and heart-breaking. And inspiring. The mirror as friend, reflecting back love and admiration. What would my life have been if I had done that in my younger days? What will my 7 year old niece’s future be if I inspire her to do it now?
Thank you for your heart and generosity in sharing your journey. Your words make a difference.
You are so very, very intuitive and wise, lady. Thank you so much for the heartfelt comment. Hug your niece for me, mkay? And goodness knows she’s seriously blessed just to have you in her life already.
Big love!
Crap. I came here looking for something to put in my dry hair and now I’m crying. Thanks for sharing this. I promise too. Love.
What’s weird is that when I read your comment earlier, it made me cry, too.
When I was writing this, I was thinking about everyone I know with beautiful, healthy, glowing daughters – and I thought of yours. Hug them for me, will you? I want all daughters hugged for me today.
PS – Sending you email shortly. Mwah!
PPS – Coconut oil for the dry hair.
What a heartfelt post, thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome. Thank you for reading.
It’s hard to hold things like this in for years and years and years – thinking the only option was to pretend like nothing hurt and everything was fine.
Knowing there’s someone listening – and caring – that makes all the difference in the world.
Mwah!
I am not at all surprised to hear that you were a model. Your stunning beautiful face is simply captivating.
I wish the career had gone a more productive direction for you, but more I wish that a body dysmorphic problem had not plagued you.
Because it is hard to look at the beautiful you – inside, outside, sideways, up and down – and not be astounded that you could not see what the rest of us do.
And yet, it is so so common.
I’m glad you shared these words. I hope they reach the right hearts.
I hope they do, too, Lori.
Thank you for, you know, everything. Like I just said to Kristin, I’m starting to feel like we – the normal women with blogs – are the new “superstars.” Only we’re real. And we’re REAL.
This day has definitely, without a doubt, opened my eyes to just how strong and compassionate we can encourage each other to be.
Thanks, lovely. You’re a blessing. Truly.
So. Very. Brave. I’m raising girls and negative talk about my body is something I work hard to stop. For them and for me. It’s a scary world for girls. They need all the self-esteem they can get.
My mom was a model for many years. A size 4 model. She always had to lose weight too. She remembers being told not to come back unless she lost 10 lbs.
Those skinny models you remember looking at you with disdain- it was hunger and misery I suspect. No one is ever good enough in modeling.
I’m glad you left your “friend” in the dust. Dead wouldn’t be very fun.
No one is ever good enough in modeling.
This is one thing, over these last few months, that I’m really starting to notice about blogging.
We – normal women – are becoming so much more powerful than we ever have been. We’re supporting each other in ways we probably never have before. We’re finding strength – in ourselves and in numbers.
Your girls are VERY lucky to have you as a mother, in so many, many ways. Hug them for me, yeah? (And then tell one of them I said she should go to sleep and stay in bed.)
And thank you for bearing your heart to us!
You are very welcome. It was scary. This whole day, with every comment, I’ve cried.
It’s incredible what sharing can do. Suddenly, I feel so much more free from the “monster” than I’ve ever been.
Thank you for reading, and leaving me the inspiring comments and … just thank you.
Mwah!
“But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’ ” (1 Samuel 16:7)
I found your site looking for homemade beauty recipes and found your story. Thank you for reminding all of us that we are beautiful and to stop focusing on things we think are flaws. I love your website and I’ll be reading more.
I’m so glad you came by! I just visited your blog and absolutely LOVE what you’re doing so far. Especially the green smoothie recipes! I’m in the middle of writing an ebook on acne recipes, and one thing I included (sadly, not based on my own personal experience, but the recommendation of others) was how incredible green smoothies are for clearing up acne. Now that I’ve found your recipes, I’m definitely going to have to try one. Even if I don’t have acne. (Anymore.)
Thanks again!